You send the message loud and clear of being done with your M, and done with your W. I'm not judging you for this at all - you really fought the good fight, and "stood" for a long time indeed. You've grown and GALed and PMAed with the best of them. I applaud you for every bit of that.
So, today, given that you are "Already Gone," why don't you go ahead and file yourself? As you say, there is a better life (and a better partner) out there waiting for you. What are you waiting for?
One possible answer I could anticipate from you is, that you want W to be the "bad guy" - you won't be the one who ends it. If there's some spark of hope for a reconciliation, then I do get that. But if it's truly over in every way but the legalities, then... why?
And you know - holding out until W files could take a loooooong time. If waiting and waiting and waiting for your MLC-crazed W to make a final decision and pull the trigger is standing in the way of your own moving on to real happiness, how does this help you? How does prolonging the agony make anything "better" for you? Or for your kids?
Please don't take this as a flame - that's not my intent at all. I'm just trying to understand where your head is at these days.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Hey Mark, I am new here. Just started posting only 1 month ago. I have read this current thread and must admit that it is hard to hear what some are saying about DBing actually not helping them in their M, as I am still in the early stages and hoping this may work.
You do sound like a catch and I am proud that you have been able to gain confidence through this journey you have taken and I too feel that everyone on these forums have and continue to help us. It's actually been overwhelming the support you get here and much needed for me and it has seemingly offered you the same.
Only you know when you are done and it sounds as if you are there. Everything happens for a reason, I believe this deeply and you will look back some day and thank god for some of your unanswered prayers you may have made.
I feel that good things are on the horizon for you. We are what we project and what we project is who we attract!
Be happy and true to you!!!!!
Congratulations on finding your way through this!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Hey Mark, I am new here. Just started posting only 1 month ago. I have read this current thread and must admit that it is hard to hear what some are saying about DBing actually not helping them in their M, as I am still in the early stages and hoping this may work.
I think some spouses are determined to end their marriage no matter what, maybe they are in MLC or addicted to an OP or a combo of the two (as I suspect in my H's case). I think DB'ing helps with your own PMA and that is really important. I was a total mess when I first found my way here, and I have a lot better mental state right now definitely.
I also think I have slowed down my H a little bit in his actions to divorce and selling our house. That ultimately may mean nothing, we may and probably will still divorce, but I think I have at least made him think hopefully a little about his actions by DB'ing rather than the initial chasing, pursing, and begging that I was doing initially. If my H files for divorce, I will also know that I have done everything to save my marriage. Karen
I tried to send you this via pvt. mssg. but it says you are over the limit, so here it is.
I like the song lyrics you post and so I have one that I thought you might appreciate. I don't know if you are a fan of Social Distortion, but this song really helps me!
Far Behind Social Distortion Best of Social Distortion
With friends like you, who needs enemies? You ain't right, you ain't never gonna be You're out of the car, I'm afraid you've been declined. You shake my hand, while you're pissing on my leg I'm cutting you loose, I don't need this misery Your soul is toxic, you ain't no friend of mine. NO!!!
You talk real trash, when I'm not around To build yourself up, you gotta tear me down. You'll have to excuse me, I got better things to do You smile through your teeth, you talk out you're neck Every chance you get, you're going to stab my back Your time's run out, I've got nothing left for you.
[Chorus:] I'm leaving you far behind I'm leaving you far behind Stop wasting all, all my time I'm leaving you far behind, Yeah!!!
So I'm pulling out the weeds, I'm taking stock You can talk the talk, but can't walk the walk Your narcissistic ways have gotten the best of you So I'm leaving you to sink in all your glory For you and me it's the end of the story Get out of my way, I've got better things to do.
[Chorus x3]
With friends like you, who needs enemies? You ain't right, you ain't never going to be Your soul is toxic, you ain't no friend of mine.
Give it a listen if you are interested, but the words help me when I start to feel bad or down and need to remember what my H represents to me in our sitch...
Have a great day, Corey
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Sorry to sidetrack here, but I wanted to respond to this comment.
Originally Posted By: alwayshoping
Hey Mark, I am new here. Just started posting only 1 month ago. I have read this current thread and must admit that it is hard to hear what some are saying about DBing actually not helping them in their M, as I am still in the early stages and hoping this may work.
AH, I think you will find that DBing by itself does not save marriages. When a marriage is being threatened by one person's MLC, nothing the other person does can "fix" that. The MLCer has to eventually come back to reality on their own.
However, DBing DOES do many wonderful things. It gives the WAS the support to get through this horrible period. It shows the WAS how to detach from the craziness that their spouse is going through. It helps the WAS learn to be happy and healthy in their own right. These are all great, and necessary if the M is going to ever stand a chance again - but they are not a guarantee.
With a lot of work on helping yourself, and a lot of patience while your spouse goes through their MLC, you MAY reach a point where rebuilding the M can begin. Or you may not. Which one happens is outside of your control.
Either way, though, YOU will be a better, stronger, happier person - and in the end, that's the most important thing.
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled thread.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I know Rob pretty well, and I think he made a mistake. I think that he means "LBS" when he typed "WAS." Let's try this: However, DBing DOES do many wonderful things. It gives the LBS the support to get through this horrible period. It shows the LBS how to detach from the craziness that their spouse is going through. It helps the LBS learn to be happy and healthy in their own right. These are all great, and necessary if the M is going to ever stand a chance again - but they are not a guarantee.
Anyway, regardless, Rob is spot-on. As he posted earlier in the thread, DBing is more about salvaging the LBS than it is about saving marriages. If the marriage is saved, GREAT!! If not... hey, there's a terrific life ahead for us. Let's go live it!!!
So my (our) message to alwaysshopping is that you (and all of us) should focus on making ourselves better. If, after we improve ourselves, the WAS doesn't wake-up and return - well, that's out of our control and not our problem. We will land on our feet, and be better off anyway. That's my attitude, anyway...
By far, this is a better place to be emotionally. I arrived where you are some time ago and had the same euphoric notions of a new life as you are having. Your right to think of that future, because it can be what you are imagining.
Yes, there are many available Woman out there, Yes, there are many that are faithful and honest, and Yes, you can enjoy that companionship again.
However, and I hate to be the spoiler here, but there are issues after this point that start to take precedence over our own lives. That being the lives of our kids and the "new" arrangement between Mom and Dad that they have to adapt to. It's a new life for them to. This is what I am going through and dealing with right now. I'm struggling to form a workable relationship with the stbx. Trust me, she's as obnoxiously disrespectful and dishonest as yours. I would be interested to know if you are considering this new relationship with stbx at this point. I believe it's a important component of this whole dbing process.
I wish you all the luck!
Tom
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
