Althea - I love your work. You have really used this journey to mold yourself into a more mature, wise woman. What a gift, hey?

When I was in the thick of separation in early 2005, despite the fact my husband displayed ALL the characteristics of an MLC, I posted on the Infidelity board, because when I read this board, I could see people who had been posting here for years, talking about the whole thing taking years and I just couldn't set myself up for that. Later, when the pain was cooler and my head clearer, I read MLC because there were/are some good, clever, thinking people here who I enjoyed reading and discussing issues with.

One of the problems for me with the MLC concept is that we almost set up an expectation about how long it's likely to take - and build into the DB/MLC culture that a good god-fearing wife or husband, will stand strong and pray for their spouse until such time as they come out of their crisis, which will evidently lead them home to the welcome heart of family. You know the reality of that for me was always that he'd break up with his partner and come home for lack of a better offer!!! And at the time, I thought so little of myself that I was going to be OK with that!!

The fundamental problem with that logic is that when a person is going through a personal crisis, they change. That's the point of crisis it makes us change, reassess how we are going in life, make new plans - our partner changes, the environment changes, the kids change etc etc - and yet we hold onto all hope that marriage is the one institution that can or might survive all that change and personal growth. It's flawed logic.

I know how important hope is, especially when going through what I think is probably the most painful period of your life, it certainly was mine. But hope itself might keep us going - it's not enough to fill our life with.

The other problem with the MLC thinking around here is that it's "their" problem. MLC allows us to take the mirror off ourselves to some extent and make the marriage problems about our spouses 'illness'. What I always liked about Infidelity back in the day was the emphasis on GAL, setting goals, reflecting on the things I did that meant when my husband did have an MLC he had hooked up with the first woman who came along, rather than feeling safe enough in our relationship to live through his crisis within the bounds of the marriage.

There are a couple of women on the boards right now, one of them's been here as long as me, who are still "standing" for husbands who have been violent towards them, to come out of the tunnel and back into the family home and I really worry about them.

I particularly worry about one of them, who every now and then seems to come to her sences and admit that she thinks she might be fighting a losing battle and inevitably a whole heap of very religious posters come out and give her some more carefully edited "evidence" from (at times questionable) religious liturature. To my mind that is even more potentially harmful than the "well he might be coming out of the tunnel" advice.

You know none of us knows what tomorrow might bring. Just this weekend, a woman I know, who was in an extreamly loving and commited marriage has become a widow after her husband died in a horrible car accident. Another friend's wife died of cancer on thursday after a short illness. A woman was telling me today about her friend who returned to her ex-husband after being divorced for 4 years. Life is a miracle and it can bring so many surprises - good and bad. We have an obligation to open ourselves up to the changes that can bring good things in our life.

"Standing" for a marriage, sometimes for a really long time, that may or may not have been as good as we remember it, is almost like stamping our feet saying "I'm not accepting that this is over. I don't care about your point of view, I don't care that you want something else- I want to be married and I'm going to stand here pouting until I get my way because what I want is more important than what you want." - and that can't be the basis for any healthy equitable relationship.

Keep up the good thinking Althea.

v

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.