NikB #25

[NikB]

Hey everyone - thank you so much for keeping up with me even when I can't keep up with myself!!

This will be a bit rambly, apologies in advance.

I have been SO busy with work I can't even believe it. Some of it was my own project and that was cool, but a lot of it was my coworker (who has my old job) came down with the flu. She has a backup who can do the little day to day stuff, but for good or bad, she and I are literally the only ones who are experts in the job. A huge issue came up the last 2 weeks that her backup would honestly have no clue how to handle, so I have been working 10-14 hour days plus had to work most of last Saturday just to keep up. Thank goodness for wireless and remote access, at least I got to work outside in the nice weather!! I am sooo sick of work. Finally have a job I like and the hours are making me crazy! On the plus side I am getting huge props at work, though. I talked to my boss a bit today and I've got some extra days off coming to me so that will help I think.

On the R front.. things are good and most of what's going bad is actually me setting myself up. I'm working hard on that.

This weekend we'll be out of town together for a race which I'm excited about. On Saturday my H runs for his license (the rest of what I've been calling racing is technically "school" for their licenses). If it goes well, Sunday will be his first actual race - pretty exciting! He's going for "Rookie of the Year" and I'm really happy for him. This has been a dream of his since he was a kid. Heck at age 2 he knew makes and models of cars! So this is a big deal for him. Unfortunately no passenger seat in the Mustang (the actual race car) sooo.. I will have to either watch from the stands or "bum" rides from other people. It'll be fun though.

haha H "hot Lady" - thanks

I'm kinda excited, I've been reading about how "traditions" and "rituals" mean a lot to men in relationships (women too but it seems moreso to men). One of H's friends actually made it onto a reality show about racing (called "Setup" for anyone who actually wants to look it up.. ). So now we have two "us nights" a week - Thursday to watch the show together and Sunday steak dinner which we've always had. Enjoying that we have a couple of regular "traditions" now.

As far as setting myself up - just an example. H brought something up the other night that bothers him. Which is SUCH a good thing. One of our big problems is/was he was afraid to bring stuff up because it'd hurt me (and we all know where that leads). So... he told me about something bothering him (in a nutshell me going into to much detail about little day to day things and it's too much for him to "process"). It should have been no big deal - he even prepped me by saying "Can I talk to you about something without you getting upset? I want to tell you something about how my brain works without making you mad." He told me.. and it should have been NO big deal.. and I totally lost it. When he said "It's just too much for me to process all those details" I heard "If you talk too much about anything I'm leaving you again." I was SO mad at myself. I burst into tears and clammed up completely. He kept hugging and kissing me and saying "No no, I just wanted you to understand how I think, don't stop talking I just can't take it all in when you keep going into all those details .. "

I took some deep breaths and realized how huge it was that he even brought it up. Finally got myself together and said "Thank you for telling me, it's so much better than NOT telling me." He nodded and hugged me again. The next morning as he was leaving for work I said "Thanks for talking to me." He said "sure" and came back for another hug/kiss, hoping that was good.

So.. good thing is he opened up, but I am so upset with myself for how I reacted. I guess the good thing is I acknowledged and apologized for it.. trying to focus on both that, and how to do better next time. I know I should have opened up to him too.. still pretty afraid, I guess.

He invited me to dinner the other night with him and his mom - that shocked me! It was a bit awkward but overall I think it went OK.

Oh, another positive, the other night I said "I feel like I'm falling into a rut, I need to get outta here for a weekend or something!" H immediately came back with "Me too!! We should go away to Tahoe for a weekend." Wow that was cool. I have been wanting to do something together but afraid suggesting a weekend away was too "pressure-y" so this was great. We shall see if it happens.. either way I am planning a weekend getaway for myself (and by myself) soon. From reward points I have a free night at a Hyatt saved up that has to be used before 4/1, so figure I'll find a night to use that.

Another funny thing - waterbed sprung a leak and while my side was dry H's was all soaked, but of course we didn't realize it til bed time and H didn't want to fix it. I suggested we could sleep in "my" room (in that bed I bought but never slept in). H said "Nah that's OK I slept on one of those before and it was really uncomfortable." I must have looked confused or something because right away he said "At my sister's. My sister has one. I slept on one at her house." (I haven't been to her new apartment so she may have one, dunno). I told him I had a featherbed topper for it and he looked very confused.

Sorry, like I said, rambly post!!

And just realized a lot of it is very H focused. Lately my life is "work, come home and catch up with H, go to bed" so there's not a lot else! I do have some fun meetup things coming up though, so will enjoy those and post more about them soon.

I am SO sorry for people I've lost track of lately. I do truly think about everyone here daily, even when I don't have time to post my thoughts and hugs.