Thanks Lizzy. I know there are good things in it...I do have to look for them. There are so many things that frustrate and sadden me about letting him go, but I think the biggest one is the confirmation that my family as I knew and wanted it is indeed gone. And when my kids are with him, I am in fact alone.
That things alone has me scared to death. And that in itself is probably the biggest reason why I SHOULD let him go. I need to be ok with myself. I need to be alone without being lonely.
It's funny because all of this freaking advice that I'm giving to myself is all the same stuff that I repeated over and over again to MIL when FIL did this to her. I remember thinking how she was so stuck, for years and how I did my best to help her through that...to help all of them through that. H and his sisters too. Didn't take MIL to drop me like a bag bricks though. Apparently all of that is forgotten.
I know that I am responsible for my own self worth and I can't rely on others to fulfill me. I'm on this journey to figure this out, I get it. But why do I feel like I don't matter to anyone? I know how pathetic that sounds...but it feels like me and my feelings just don't matter. The book I'm reading right now is helping me understand and get to the bottom of this within myself...but I'm having a really hard time letting go of the pictures and the ideals that I had set out in my own head. But I know they were just that...pictures, not reality. As this book teaches, I need to "Find a place acceptance with the NOW. Become friendly with the present moment. Make peace with the moment and what is, in order to get yourself out of it."
I'm working on it.
Meeting with my L today. We'll see how that goes. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
I can relate...when WAW has 5D on Saturday or Sunday afternoon, I get really lonely. And many GAL things, I wish 5D was there for...Amazing how much we took for granted. All those times thinking we could do that tomorrow. So many things doing with 5D right now and when Friday hits, she won't be there to do them. Realization of that reality just doesn't go away. I guess GAL w/o 5D then one w/ 5D best of a bad sitch...hope your cookies go well...
Also, my family with few exceptions, think I should just gets the D and move-on...nice support. They never were nice to my WAW. I actually told my WAW that I was done with my family because of they do not support me on the above. Odd way to tell WAW that I am through with family b/c I won't sign her unreasonable papers...lol...so once again...I can relate to the sister stuff, I do find it bizarre she is wanting to contact him though...what for would drive ya nuts if you let it...just do for yourself and try not to get your dough all messed up over it...
Thanks jmw. I'm amazed juts how easily people except things. It's like people don't want their own livesmessed up too much so they just want things back to normal as quickly as possible. But there's no such thing as normal for us anymore. We have to create a new normal out of circumstances that we hate and that are beyond our control.
L went ok. She is sending a note to his L requesting his financial statement now. She's also hoping that it will shake out that he will owe me money in order to get out of the house rather than the other way around. Fingers crossed because that will definitely slow things down.
L was STRONGLY opposed to be letting S go overnight with H this weekend. She said unless I'm ready to make it regular thing I shouldn't even give in once because his L will be all over it. I hate playing this game. Anyway, it's good because I really don't think I'm ready to let him go and I needed help to make a decision that does support what I'm feeling for a change. I've let him go with H from the time he was 3 months old. I've given up a lot of nursing time and been pumping my you know what's off just so he can have him often. He gets him 2 evenings out of the week. And every other weekend he has him Friday evening, Saturday & Sunday during the day. I just told him when he came to pick them up that I'm not ready to let him go over night yet. I told him that I have thought a lot about it and I really just need to respect it. He said ok...looked quite perturbed and was quiet. He's definitely flicked a switch in himself again and he's back to being cold guy. At least I got a slight glimpse of the better guy...at least I know he's in there. I'm hoping that he was starting to feel weird again when he was being empathetic and that has sent back to where he was. If that's the case...hey...maybe there is something still there.
I'm on a cycle with my emotions. I've been crying a lot again. I think it's PMS...I'm not supposed to get that while I'm nursing...but hey...why not? I've got everything else coming at me...including more freaking snow!!! Yes...they say we're about to break the all time record for snow accumulation in one year....the single year that I have to shovel!!
Anyway...I was hoping that by now I'd be closer to acceptance and that the feelings inside would be fading by now. But unfortunately the opposite seems to be happening. I'm feeling stronger and stronger in my resolve to save this marriage. With no signs pointing to this possibility. I'm wondering if I'm depressed. If not for my kids I feel like I wouldn't want to get out of bed. Thank God they keep me busy. But I'm crying a lot again and dwelling on the losses. Last night I did something I shouldn't have. I read the letter that my H gave me the night before our wedding. See, he e-mailed me on July 5, 2006 (just over a year before bomb drop) and attached to it was that letter. He said in his e-mail... Hey Babe, Just cleaning up some things in my files, and came across this! I still feel the same way as I described in the letter!! LOVE YOU
The letter goes on and on about how proud he is of the life we've built together and how he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I've made him the happiest guy on earth and he's so glad he'll always me to talk to and lean on and he'll always be there for me. It was the sweetest thing I've ever read and is a true profession of love. And he sent it to me a year and half ago saying it was all still true. HTF can it be gone? How is that really possible. I know I know...I shouldn't torture myself by reading these things. But it's killing me. I miss him. Alright...enough. I could use PMA 2X4 if anyone's got one for me. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
No 2x4's kid, just some big hugs and knowing that you are not alone. You're going to get through this...I know you will. I find it fairly easy to recognize someone's character through their writings...you're a wonderful person Jenny and sooner or later, your husband is going to realize that. It may or may not be too late for him once he does. But YOU will be ok. You're a strong, sweet girl that is also a great mom. Don't worry about what your husband does...worry about what you are doing and how you are going to improve you...for you. Everything else will fall into place as they were meant to be...I promise.
Hang in there kid, you've got lots of people rooting for you...you're never alone!!!
- IC, who is patiently waiting for a Cookie Chick franchise to open in his area...to hell with Mrs. Fields
the opposite seems to be happening. I'm feeling stronger and stronger in my resolve to save this marriage. With no signs pointing to this possibility.
I can relate so very much. This happens to me whenever I read or listen to R stuff...no matter how much my WAW hurts me, I love her more, unconditionally. And knowing I can't even speak to her...well you know exactly. I miss my friend and my primary goal now is to get out of stage 1 - negative emotions...I can't wait for stage 2 - friendship...
At least I got a slight glimpse of the better guy...at least I know he's in there. I'm hoping that he was starting to feel weird again when he was being empathetic and that has sent back to where he was. If that's the case...hey...maybe there is something still there.
You might find that he drifts back to being 'himself', but he realizes what he's doing and switches off all of a sudden. It's hard not to take it personally, but realize it has very little to do with you.
How has your H been doing when he has S? I know it's tough for you, but I'm curious how he is actually handling the parenting portion.
jm...I'm having a tough time with stage 2. I thought we were doing ok until the other day.
Lizzy...thanks for the hugs! Always appreciated!
Hey Brit...good to hear from you. H does well with S. Sometimes he has his Mommy around for back up...but not always. My H has always been a great Dad and he knows I know it. I do know that if he was having a hard time he wouldn't tell me though. He's mentioned before when S has had a fussy night...but he doesn't get into it much. He does the same with D. I know that D asks for him a lot when she's with me and I try to keep her in touch with him when she does. But doesn't do the same for me. I know she asks for me more than he lets on.
I think him wanting S (while I know is genuinely because he wants to spend to time with him)...is also because he really does want to be as involved with his kids as much he possibly can be to really show people that he isn't totally a bad guy. He left me...not his kids as he loves to say. But when it's my weekend though...H doesn't call. Not even to chat with D or see how S is doing. I find it weird and I personally don't understand how a parent can go 3 days with no contact with their 3 year old who can talk and understand perfectly well enough for a phone conversation. Sometimes I think he does really want to be the best Dad he can be...just part time.
Tonight when he dropped of S I asked if we were cool. He kind of just said yeah, why? I said because things were going well and we were communicating without the tension between us and now it's back. He didn't really say anything. He just said that I've made my choice (to not let him have S overnight) and he has no choice. I just nodded and he left.
I find it quite interesting because this is truly the first thing I've denied him. And I am truly denying it because I am not ready. I'm already giving S up more than I want to and giving up that time breast feeding...I'm not giving him up overnight before I'm ready.
Tomorrow H has S for the whole day though. I said I'd prefer if he kept him more hours in the day and brought him home overnight. So he'll be gone for 12 hours tomorrow. I'm bothered by it, but I'm trying to focus on the positives. I'm getting a lot of baking done. While S was gone tonight I made 4 batches of dough. I had a glass of wine and Ben Harper blaring! I haven't listened to music in a while because it depresses me...but tonight if felt good to turn it up and groove in my kitchen again. Tomorrow I'll pull out my Dave Matthews for the baking portion!! And who knows...maybe some more wine too. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
