Anyways. I just kinda feel lost. I'm doing pretty good at the whole standing up for myself thing. I had a bit of a health issue that caused some babying from every one (H included) for a few days, but i'm healthy and doing better now and, apparently, no longer important. That sounds bad, but that's just kinda how i feel.
I feel better about myself than i have in a long time. Probably the best i ever have. The lady that I'm seeing is just awesome and has really been encouraging me to take better care of me. I put a lot of focus on my family and taking care of them, so i end up neglecting myself. It would be nice if my H would try to help me, so there was more time for me, but no expectations, right! For now, I'm making sure i spend some time each week (30 minutes or so) just doing something for me, painting my nails, sitting in a bubble bath, girlie stuff... hehe. It's nice.
I guess i'm just sitting in limbo right now. Kinda floating somewhere in between sad and angry and accepting in my M. If that makes any sense. I go from being confused to thinking i understand to moments where it all feels hopeless. I'm scared of shutting off again. I feel like i could be shutting off my emotions kinda and don't want to get to that point. Sometimes it just really hurts to think about all this and i don't like it. I wish this was easier... i know we all do!
I'm totally clueless as to what will help my H to see me differently, to see that our M is worth a little effort and time, but I guess i can't worry about that. His anger and the way he handles it is starting to get to me. He had a rough day at work yesterday. I was supposed to go to church last night, but H needed to work late so I didn't go. I made him dinner and cleaned house some. I just wanted for him not to have to focus on that. We all sat down and I could tell he was short tempered. He yelled at the baby. I normally don't stop him when he is dealing with the girls, if i have an issue, we talk about it after cause I'm all about having a united front, but I had to stop him. She is just a baby and doesn't deserve his anger because he had a bad day. All she wanted was some milk... no reason to yell at her... anyways. Then, after i get them to bed, he just lays on the couch and practically falls asleep, then goes back into his office for another couple hours. It's kinda just been random outbursts from him like that lately. We all have bad days, but he can't let every day be bad. I'm worried about him slinking back off into his office rather than spending time with us and I'm clueless as to how to help him or talk to him about it.
When he's angry and takes it out on me or the girls, i address it, but it doesn't change anything...
Just trying to deal with everything and take the very best care of my girls that i can!
I hope everyone is doing well.
((((you)))))
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
For now, I'm making sure i spend some time each week (30 minutes or so) just doing something for me, painting my nails, sitting in a bubble bath, girlie stuff... hehe. It's nice.
