Thanks jmw. I'm amazed juts how easily people except things. It's like people don't want their own livesmessed up too much so they just want things back to normal as quickly as possible. But there's no such thing as normal for us anymore. We have to create a new normal out of circumstances that we hate and that are beyond our control.
L went ok. She is sending a note to his L requesting his financial statement now. She's also hoping that it will shake out that he will owe me money in order to get out of the house rather than the other way around. Fingers crossed because that will definitely slow things down.
L was STRONGLY opposed to be letting S go overnight with H this weekend. She said unless I'm ready to make it regular thing I shouldn't even give in once because his L will be all over it. I hate playing this game. Anyway, it's good because I really don't think I'm ready to let him go and I needed help to make a decision that does support what I'm feeling for a change. I've let him go with H from the time he was 3 months old. I've given up a lot of nursing time and been pumping my you know what's off just so he can have him often. He gets him 2 evenings out of the week. And every other weekend he has him Friday evening, Saturday & Sunday during the day. I just told him when he came to pick them up that I'm not ready to let him go over night yet. I told him that I have thought a lot about it and I really just need to respect it. He said ok...looked quite perturbed and was quiet. He's definitely flicked a switch in himself again and he's back to being cold guy. At least I got a slight glimpse of the better guy...at least I know he's in there. I'm hoping that he was starting to feel weird again when he was being empathetic and that has sent back to where he was. If that's the case...hey...maybe there is something still there.
I'm on a cycle with my emotions. I've been crying a lot again. I think it's PMS...I'm not supposed to get that while I'm nursing...but hey...why not? I've got everything else coming at me...including more freaking snow!!! Yes...they say we're about to break the all time record for snow accumulation in one year....the single year that I have to shovel!!
Anyway...I was hoping that by now I'd be closer to acceptance and that the feelings inside would be fading by now. But unfortunately the opposite seems to be happening. I'm feeling stronger and stronger in my resolve to save this marriage. With no signs pointing to this possibility. I'm wondering if I'm depressed. If not for my kids I feel like I wouldn't want to get out of bed. Thank God they keep me busy. But I'm crying a lot again and dwelling on the losses. Last night I did something I shouldn't have. I read the letter that my H gave me the night before our wedding. See, he e-mailed me on July 5, 2006 (just over a year before bomb drop) and attached to it was that letter. He said in his e-mail... Hey Babe, Just cleaning up some things in my files, and came across this! I still feel the same way as I described in the letter!! LOVE YOU
The letter goes on and on about how proud he is of the life we've built together and how he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I've made him the happiest guy on earth and he's so glad he'll always me to talk to and lean on and he'll always be there for me. It was the sweetest thing I've ever read and is a true profession of love. And he sent it to me a year and half ago saying it was all still true. HTF can it be gone? How is that really possible. I know I know...I shouldn't torture myself by reading these things. But it's killing me. I miss him. Alright...enough. I could use PMA 2X4 if anyone's got one for me. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
