I wish I could say something that could help you. All I can say is that I honestly know how you feel, having your hopes dashed again and again. (((((hug)))))
Maybe it's time to go back and read your own solution journal - the stuff about letting go, the stuff about it being their own journey and us having to stand back to avoid getting dragged along behind them through the dirt (I don't know if you wrote that, but some days I feel that way). So much of what you wrote helped me put things into perspective - that's why I thought you would make a great solutions buddy. Whenever things don't go the way I hope, I try to remember some of the wisdom that you gathered together, I go back and reread it for a reminder of where I need to stay focused.
Remember, you didn't cause him to leave again, he was not ready. Funny how each time it happens, it affects you less and you can bounce back quicker. Maybe all it takes is practice to get this DBing/detaching/GALing right.
My H is cycling back again in a significant way, but I find myself being very, very cautious. So it doesn't matter what they do or what we do, it takes time to work through all the issues. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your art. Be happy for yourself.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
FA, Yeah, you are definetely right about me needing to detatch and go read my own solution journal to keep me on track.
I feel like I am losing hope very quickly for my situation. Sometimes I read so many negative things (and hear it from all my friends and family) that since he is extremely depressed and an alcoholic, that I am up against double the odds. I know that I dont want to lose hope that he can and will someday change and get help and heal, but it all seems so unpracticle.
It just feels like he has hurt me so bad and just continues to do so by the coming and going. I hope he is really doing that due to his own confusion and not to make sure I dont get too far out of his grasp.
Thanks again for your support and I know I need to not focus on him, I need to focus on myself and my future. I need to go back to working on my goals : of not crying about it all day, and not talking about it with friends and family so much, and keeping my hope and love alive for him. TIPPER
Tipper you can do this....just try to take care of yourself and not worry so much about him...he is going to have to fix himself BEFORE he even tries to work on your marriage....
Please listen to everyone here. My H has gone back and forth about 10 times in the past 15 months. It is horrible to go through so many times. I really wish I hadnt let him back after the 2nd time he left....each time he has come and gone he has taken more from my heart to where my love isnt as strong for him as it was in the beginning.
Be careful and just try your best not to worry about him. There is nothing you can do for him, only you.
Take care. You can always have hope....I do, even though my sitch looks hopeless now. I am finally now to the point I can move forward and not worry about his thoughts and going ons.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
kissak & others, I really want to have hope, and I can't even believe that for the first time ever I feel like I don't even want to be with him (due to what he has done and what he has turned into). I would still like to believe that if my H does get help and want to truely come back, that I would have a change of heart and be able to accept him. But I can not bank on that happening.
In the meantime, I know my focus has to be on me. And while I am GAL if I end up accidentally meeting someone that treats me well, then so be it.
I ran into my H this weekend at one of the local bars that I was at with my friends. He walked in and I didn't even see him. My friends were immediately like, "come on lets go", so we left and went across the street to another tavern. While we all left, my H's old best friend stayed and were talking. My h's old best friend told him to stop using me and putting my through this crap. I guess their conversation got pretty heated and my H wanted to fight him, but others stepped in and diffused the situation.
Then today, I woke up and my H text me that "he has no regrets, and he hopes I don't either" ,and again to say "I hope we are still friends - please". I finally responded with: "I will never regret trying, and that I am sure we will always be friends on some level". He text me back and said "a very good level, I presume", and then again to say, "I know this sucks, but it is awesome that your still my friend - wow". I didn't respond.
Then later in the afternoon he text me again, and said "can I rent out your grandmas old house". I didn't respond, I don't even own it - my parents do and this would put them in a very awkward position. I cant believe the nerve he has to even ask this again. TIPPER
Hey Tipper...I know what you are talking about....I dont want my H the way he is either....he is so cold and insensitive....but then again, he could be thinking about me more than he lets on and just doesnt contact me because he knows I dont want him to....I hope it is eating away at him!!!
We will be ok, if we can just get through all this mud first!! They are the ones losing here....my pastor said last night in his sermon that even though we have been defeated, we havent lost! Made so much sense to me.
I just dont understand how they think they can be "best friends" with us after all they have put us through....I have gone very dark on my H this week. It hasnt been that hard though...the hardest part was trying to avoid him when I had to see him...
So, what are your plans this week? Doing anything??
Take Care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
hi, this is cat wearing a new hat for now, just in case...
Quote:
I cant believe the nerve he has to even ask this again.
They are so methodical, as long as they are OK and in their mind "moved on" then they think we should also be feeling the same way, that we are on their same insane pg, of acting like all is fine, as if this stich doesnt' tear our hearts appart.
Keeping you in my prayers, take care hon))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have been reading your thread and see that you have been going through some tremendous pain and ups/downs in your relationship. I can only imagine how difficult it has been to have him close and then pull back like this. Seems like there is so much confusion going on for him, like he doesn't fully know himself right now. On the other hand, you sound like you are managing some very difficult boundaries with him and staying as grounded as you can. My thoughts are with you during this painful time.
I really wonder some times how much more of all of this I can take. My heart has been completely broken by him and he just keeps on seemingly getting worse. Sometimes, I have hope and other times I feel like I am crazy for even thinking that we could be back together.
My H hates life and people and responsibilities. I am pretty sure he is still infatuated with that stripper and he definitely still goes to see her. He has become a huge alcoholic. He admittedly says he is depressed and cant sleep, and spends money like its going out of style. There is just no resemblences of my old H left for me to cling on to anymore. It sucks!
I will try to keep my mind off of him this week. I did art with a friend last night. I have v-ball on wed. and trivia night on thurs. and my weekend is filled with going out and bowling.
Everytime I get my mind off him for a bit, the memories (good and bad) come rushing in and flood me with emotions that I simply don't know how to deal with anymore. I feel like I just want to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.
I know I have to be strong and have patience, but I feel like I am having a break down and it is coming upon a year of me feeling this way and I just don't like it anymore. TIPPER
Tipper, He moved back, but the light bulb needs changing. I feel that he needs counseling. Just keep up the GAL and 180s for now so that his trust in you is built up. At a more appropriate time,suggest counseling.
You need to set new relationship goals, and boundaries. The Keeping Love Alive (KLA) series will jump start it. Please check the KLA forum yourself. Its a great resource! At this present time, do not show H.
There is Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality, and others. Next time, I hope he rejects self-denial. Proper diagnosis and treatment received!
