save a spot, will be here at some point

[MissH]

Hi Cat, I just wanted to drop by and say thank you for your support on my thread recently. It means a lot!

[cat03]

sure toots)))) I have received so much goodness from people here that I feel compelled to give back and look out for my fellow db'ers when the going gets tough.

[cat03]

Yea, something IS definetly up with H and wanting me to file 4mths earlier, he just WON"T give up!! he was civil and all nice til this pm, when he starts harping me about finding a mediator, to just go with the only one I found (yea right).
I tried looking harder and it surprised me the variety of ways they work and charge, I told him so too, but all he wants is just any that will do and now "because I want this over with quickly".
THen we are back to the same ol' crap, the 4mths, he pushes the button that annoys me most "why do you want to hang on to me?". We argue back and forth, anytime we talk D my voice just gets strained and even without me willing it i sound so angry.

He is now in full attack mode "why do you want to drag this?" "i want to move on" and then, oh man, he comes up with "I have been miserable for so long"

Oh My .... I was speachless...

HE was miserable???? he?????
I lost it, I asked him "oh, so you were misable when you found me with another man and I jumped out of the balcony? or when you found out I was half living with another man while I was supposed to be alone and think about my M?" He then said he wans't going to talk about that stuff anymore. I told him that if he still wanted to prove to the ho that he really was S from me back in sept. like he told her last yr he'll just have to BS his way out that one, that i was not going to lie for him nor do him any favors.
He is not even trying anymore and keeps pushing me to the limit, and then all I could think was of the email Amyc send me and her indignation at him pushing for the 4mths, and I said it:
you'll just have to wait, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN! and hung up, I'd had it.

I was supposed to give him the names & #s of mediators I had found so he can have the info too, he's been calling my cell, I ain't answering, he can squirm for tonight (I always answer or call back).

This stupid D is going to cost me, I was happy I'd be out of debt with my tax refund, but no, H will sink me back down again.

*SIGH* but I will be alright, I know i will.

Was reading my devotional tonight and found this gem

Every one has many opportunities to enjoy instant gratification in many ways, but only those who have built up a habit of clear thinkign will survive temptations.

[sofaraway]

Cat, I just want to throw this out there to you. It is not about the financial burden, it is about doing things the way that are most comfortable for YOU, not him.

Take all the time YOU need, do it the way that you are comfortable with and forget about the rest. It's not about whether he squirms or is uncomfortable with the pace, in fact he has no bearing on how you proceed at all or what so ever. There is no timeline and this is not a race.

It is amazing how they try and turn it to guilt for us in order to push us forward with what THEY want to do. Don't respond to his nonsense, don't get into these silly conversations with him, and do not allow him to vent his own frustrations on you.

It is time for you to be courageous and strong for yourself.


Ian

[oldtimer]

(((Cat)))

Cat, exactly why are you supposed to be doing all the D-related work? Is he unable to find mediators for some reason? If so, perhaps you can challenge his competency to make any legal decisions And, why are you talking to him on the phone about it?

This is not going to be a nice divorce. STBX has already consulted his own counsel. Consult with your own counsel, and let them handle the communication.

If you really want to go the mediator route, tell STBX *by email* that pushing you is unacceptable and that you are unwilling to lie on any legal documents, period.

I totally agree with Ian that you get to make your own choices about timing here. But keep in mind that the longer you wait, the less favorable your settlement is apt to be.

And Cat, you've got to take the emotion out of this. It is a business deal. You aren't going to get to punish STBX with it, you aren't going to be rewarded for having been the better spouse, you aren't going to get to prove how messed up he is. It is business. The emotional attacks (on both sides) aren't going to get anyone anywhere. They aren't worth your time or energy. Tell him once if he starts grilling you on your choices, "STBX, this isn't about you. This is about me and the kids and what is best for us. How it affects you or your life is not a factor in my choices right now.)

If he starts in again, simply say, "Unacceptable," and hang up the phone (which you shouldn't be on to begin with.) If he attacks you in emails, copy and paste the email, take out everything except the purely business matters, and respond to those.

[princess_nic]

Cat,

I'm so sorry to see you here. I don't think I've ever posted to you, but you were one that I thought would make it. Well, I've been wrong before, ha!

This is a really good suggestion from OT:

If he starts in again, simply say, "Unacceptable," and hang up the phone (which you shouldn't be on to begin with.) If he attacks you in emails, copy and paste the email, take out everything except the purely business matters, and respond to those.

This is what I do, except that I discuss NOTHING about the D on the phone - I just get too upset.

I am at the end stages of negotiations, which have been dragging on for MONTHS. We started with mediation almost a year ago - last April. It didn't work out, and I finally got a lawyer last summer. I felt more comfortable knowing that I had someone on my side exclusively. In my experience, the mediator will tell you if something is legal, but not if it's in your best interest, and not if you could be asking for more.

I wish you as much peace as possible in all this; you are getting very good advice.

Nicola

[cat03]

and turn it to guilt for us in order to push us forward with what THEY want to do.

he's been doing that all our M, challenging me and making me the bad guy so that I give in to his whims, he still thinks that's teh case.

The emotional attacks (on both sides) aren't going to get anyone anywhere. They aren't worth your time or energy.

thanks OT! I need to understand this, I still from time to time mention ow stuff and how he hurted me. This is a business deal and he's using emotional stuff to get to me and I'm falling for it and making an @ss out of myself, he shouldn't make me loose control like that.
He tried again today, not the full 4mths but at least the beginning of the month, I still said no. Then the full attack: he wants in writing that he left Jan x so I dont' "keep" changing my mind (me? @#$#@!)He said he can't trust me to keep my word & how does he know I wont' just delay the date to screw him up. He actually threaten me w just getting a lawyer "to make me" sign such a paper. I told him that no lawyer could force to sign such a thing unless he wanted to serve, in which case it'd turn into an ugly battle which he'd loose & would have to pay my lawyer's fees.
He kept insisting and insisting that I might try to do something to him, that if I wasn't going to do anything bad why was I refusing? that I prob had a good reason not to put in writing right now that he left that date. *SIGH* in ended in a yelling match, arghh!! I do NOT want to find myself acting like that! I know *should* know better! he is just so infuriating!!!!!!
He even said we might just have had to go to court just because of this thing I dont' want to do, I told him I had the A on him, he asked me what proofs I have, I told him : a cell with txts from him and her (I'm guessign there are txts from them since it is the first secret phone, I have to find the charger if I need to check), a dated pict of them on that V-day cruise, a good number of picts and lovey letters/cards that OW gave me that day she found out there was no S nor looming D.

I ended telling him I"d think about it, that I'd ask first if it'd hurt me in some ways to have that in writing. He did say he could call some mediators, but at this point I dont trust him to get a good one and I've already called 2 and waiting on 3 to call back today, so by monday we would have picked one and get the ball rolling.

More and more I see how this man is nothing like my husband, even to the one I had right before he left, I truly want nothing with him again. Must remember to be business like and cut him off if he's trying to pull stuff on me.

Thanks for the reality check guys))))))))))) I"m letting myself get too emotional and having get the best of me.

[cat03]

In my experience, the mediator will tell you if something is legal, but not if it's in your best interest,

thanks nic! H fooled me too :P, I also thought I was in the finish line, life has a twisted sense of humor.
I will choose my less burdened CC and get a lawyer to look at the stuff I'm asking for. If I just want to do a one time visit with a lawyer and have him look at the settlement at the end do I need to pay a retainer?

[princess_nic]

I don't know about the retainer - my L didn't require one.

[oldtimer]

Mediators cost money too...

You should be able to see a L for a consultation, an initial consultation may be free. You pay a retainer if you hire the L to represent you on an ongoing basis.

If STBX says he is going to do so-and-so, simply say, in a plain tone, "I see." Better yet, STOP TALKING TO HIM ON THE PHONE.

AND STOP SHOWING HIM YOUR HAND. Now he knows exactly what you have and don't have with respect to the A. BTW, in most state an A doesn't matter worth a hill of beans when int comes to settlement, but you don't have to let him know that.

Email STBX: "I do not intend to delay this divorce. I will proceed carefully and rationally at a speed that works for me. The best thing you can do not to slow this divorce is to treat me with decency and respect. Bullying, insults, and threats are unacceptable. I will not expose myself to them further. Thus, in future, I will tolerate no divorce related discussion by phone. So, please address all related matters to me by email."