My husband is having an affair

[alwayshoping]

Yesterday was another tough day for me....not because of any actions made by H, mostly me dealing with the anger and loss I am feeling. Somewhat feeling sad about the possiblity of what may be happening. I continue to read several posts on here and am finding bits and pieces that give me hope and some that discourage me.

H was oddly concerned for my plans over the weekend. Expressing that he wanted to make sure I was doing things I wanted to do. How kind of him to consider my happiness....my gut tells me it's cuz he is riddled with his own guilt and is trying to feel better. He knows he is happy and would feel happier knowing that I am happy too....sorry to sound so negative, but cant help it.

As considerate as he may have sounded on the phone when I arrived home last night to make dinner for H and S4, I just felt uncomfortable and almost like a stranger in my own home. My words seemed to have no affect on my H regardless of how trivial they may have been. I would stick to convo about S4 or work or things like that and try to stay upbeat. but felt defeated. I eventually said that I was going to leave for a little bit and that I would be back to read a story to S4. When H said I didn't need to leave I just said that honestly I was feeling uncomfortable and thought it would be best. Had I stayed I would of definately engaged in conversation about the R would have made me feel worse.

When I got back home the rest of the evening went fine as I just stayed away and in my room (used to by our room)

Today is a new day and I am feeling better. I spoke with the DB coach...Jodi and truly feel that I can do this. Her suggestions were to still attempt to create an environment in the house that is not tense. If I feel that way again, then instead of leaving then maybe turn on the radio or start playing I SPY with S4. Keep things light and breezy for now. I don't need to retreat to my bedroom when S4 goes to bed. I can stay downstairs and make lunch read a book or watch TV. But my only goal right now is to focus on no tension in the house. Play with my son and make my self feel at home.

Anger is a natural response to all of this and I continue to feel as if I need to not let H have his cake and eat it to. Which is what my friends think I am doing. I am not okay with H seeing OW but the fact is I can't control that...only my actions are within my control. I am choosing to intentionally create harmony and an environment that is good for me and my son despite H insanity right now. If in the end this plants seeds of doubt in his mind that great!

Feeling strong today but I'm sure I need help soon as my emotions are all over the place.

You have all been so wonderful and I hope I am able to advise some of you too!