I wrote my last post before I read yours. You guys are all dead-on. It is going to be so hard to just move on. I want H to come down here b/c 1)He promised his son 2)He told me he wanted to come down here and see US.
Just last night he said to me, all I want to do is come down there this weekend and RELAX with you guys. Visions of couch snuggling danced in my head. Of course that was before I hit him with the question about the phone calls,TMs to OW. So I am sure now the idea of RELAXING here is not quite as appealing or possible for him. Honestly with him leading his double life still, he wouldn't have been able to relax anyway.
I guess it is the letting go of the dream, the plan, whatever you want to call it that is so hard. I want to walk away. If I didn't have my kids here I would love to jump in the car and drive, not anywhere in particular. Maybe I would drive to Texas, I love San Antonio. Maybe I would drive to Florida and fine some sunshine...Anyway I would just go until I didn't want to go anymore and then I would stop to get some rest. But I still have my kids and my house and a new temp job starting on Monday. So I am here in my house where my daughter was conceived, where H and I have ML countless times. Where we have shared so much love in addition to the pain....
I want to separate from him entirely, like let him take months to work out his crap. AND I want him here on bended knee pleading and loving the hell out of me and helping make this whole stupid thing BETTER again. I know that makes me weak and dumb and naive and everything else. But dammit, we were together 16 years even though a lot was rough a lot was amazing. I don't yet know how NOT to be married, how NOT to just naturally include H in my thoughts and plans. I don't know how to do what I need to do. I am just so frustrated and disillusioned right now...It is hard to drop the ideas of a future w/him since I have been planning one since our second or third date....I know, I know I need to but it doesn't mean it is easy.
I will just hide all the phones up on top of the fridge or something so I don't reach for them today. Can't talk to him anymore about anything right now. Don't want him to hear my tears. Don't want to fight. Just want peace....
