Only you can decide what you want and need to do. You will have to ask yourself if there is a good chance that he will fix himself of his problems, and if he does, will you ever fully trust your H if you remain together. From the sounds of it, he seems to have been weak in controlling his urges throughout your M.
My W has made if pretty easy for me by saying that she has no guarantee that she wont go with some other guy 1 or 2 years from now. I cant live with that uncertainty and I must move on.
My hopes are that after the D is over that I can meet a nice woman that has the same strength of character and honor as you.
My profile shows no messages except the welcome message from back in January so I don't know what is up there....
Kerry thank you for the compliment.
MIL called a little bit ago said H told her he was buying a truck tonight and coming down tomorrow. So I called H to find out what was up...needed to know what to tell S so he isn't disappointed. H said he needed to get a truck b/c his little truck didn't fit the kids. I said "Ok, but for the record last night you said you wanted to come down here and relax for the weekend so that is what S was planning on.". H said he never said WHEN he was coming down this weekend (Wed. he DID say he would be down Fri. evening but whatever). He said either he gets the truck tonight or he comes down, rents a car, and takes kids up to Iowa w/him so he can buy the truck tomorrow. I said again I understood you to say last night you wanted to come down HERE to relax....He said well if I don't get the truck tonight I can't do that. I said just let me know what you decide to do so I can tell S.
It sounds like you are trying to force your H to come over.
Is it because: a) he promised your son b) you want to see him c) you need to get away d) you want to hit him with a shovel
It sounds like he wants no part of your home this weekend. I would plan accordingly. I think you need to ignore him for a while. Do your own stuff and don't expect him to be around.
Just my 2 cents....probably not worth more than that.
Try not to allow him to get you all twisted up. I know it's important to look out for your kids, but agruing with him right now is only making you more upset. I know I'm not there and not in your shoes, but take a step back and read what you are writing. You are getting yourself all twisted over something that won't matter beyond this weekend. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but focus on the goal. Even if that goal is just feeling better about yourself today.
I don't know why the PM thing doesn't work. Maybe it needs to be set up. I've never tried it before.
So going dark is going to be hard with the kids. Guess when we do talk I just make it about THEM and only THEM. H and I were just on the phone again. He said the truck payment is going to be $550/month. His old payment was $350/month. He asked what I thought. I said, "Well, if we wind up together, with me working again we should make up the $200/mo. no problem. But if not, you will find a way to get the extra $200/mo." Then I said, "Actually, with you not having to drive back and forth from Kansas City anymore after these next 2 months, you will make up that $200 in gas money alone. So if it is the truck you want, and you feel it is the right choice, then I say do it." In the old days--last week! :)--I would have thrown a fit at the idea of a $500 car payment. Now I just don't care. In the grand scheme it just isn't that important anymore...
Don't know if that was "right" or not. Then I told H that if he wanted to get the truck tonight, I would handle that w/S. That if he wasn't getting here until 9 tonight anyway, S would be going to bed so it wouldn't make a big difference if he just came down in the morning...He said he was deciding what to do and would let me know.
I know I can't micromanage anymore. It is his problem to solve. But at the same time as the mom I don't want to wait until 6:00 on Friday to find out when my H is coming to see his kids for the weekend. Going forward there will have to be a real schedule put into place...
I wrote my last post before I read yours. You guys are all dead-on. It is going to be so hard to just move on. I want H to come down here b/c 1)He promised his son 2)He told me he wanted to come down here and see US.
Just last night he said to me, all I want to do is come down there this weekend and RELAX with you guys. Visions of couch snuggling danced in my head. Of course that was before I hit him with the question about the phone calls,TMs to OW. So I am sure now the idea of RELAXING here is not quite as appealing or possible for him. Honestly with him leading his double life still, he wouldn't have been able to relax anyway.
I guess it is the letting go of the dream, the plan, whatever you want to call it that is so hard. I want to walk away. If I didn't have my kids here I would love to jump in the car and drive, not anywhere in particular. Maybe I would drive to Texas, I love San Antonio. Maybe I would drive to Florida and fine some sunshine...Anyway I would just go until I didn't want to go anymore and then I would stop to get some rest. But I still have my kids and my house and a new temp job starting on Monday. So I am here in my house where my daughter was conceived, where H and I have ML countless times. Where we have shared so much love in addition to the pain....
I want to separate from him entirely, like let him take months to work out his crap. AND I want him here on bended knee pleading and loving the hell out of me and helping make this whole stupid thing BETTER again. I know that makes me weak and dumb and naive and everything else. But dammit, we were together 16 years even though a lot was rough a lot was amazing. I don't yet know how NOT to be married, how NOT to just naturally include H in my thoughts and plans. I don't know how to do what I need to do. I am just so frustrated and disillusioned right now...It is hard to drop the ideas of a future w/him since I have been planning one since our second or third date....I know, I know I need to but it doesn't mean it is easy.
I will just hide all the phones up on top of the fridge or something so I don't reach for them today. Can't talk to him anymore about anything right now. Don't want him to hear my tears. Don't want to fight. Just want peace....
I think you need a clean break somewhere around here. No more dwelling, discussing, translating, hurting. You need to distcnce from him and lick your wounds. He needs to figure out his s$*t before he approaches you again. It's not going to be easy for you but it hasn't been easy so far either. Do not panic, your dream of your life together isn't gone yet. Even if you wanted it to die right this minute, you can't force that unless you are ready. And you are not...
Just a tip :Going dark on the phone means you NEVER ask a question and whenever he does, you answer with something that doesn't need explanation or creates more questions. It feels like you constantly leave him hanging. I did that for 3 months, it worked fine and believe me, he'll notice. Polite, distant, strictly business. When a lot needs to be discussed (arrangements for the kids etc) use the email. Hand the phone to your little ones when he calls and don't take it afterwards unless he asks for you. Very soon it becomes a habbit... (for you, never for him)
I did not want to add to your stress. I apologize if I did. I just want to say that I understand wholeheartedly what you are feeling right now and the furthest thing from my mind is to judge you. I know it is not easy, if it were, most of us would have jumped ship a long time ago. Look at me and all the [censored] I put up with in the last six months and I am still here like a doormat.......so yes i know how you feel but I will never judge you or anyone else on this board who is hurting and hoping. Honestly, I have grown attached to a few posters and wish nothing but happiness for them. You are one of those. Last night i felt your pain and I am sure you felt mine. If you decide to have a couple of shots of jack, "Salute" (to your health).
Thanks guys, in the interest of not dwelling, I am getting off of here, at least for a few hours (which means you will probably see a post from me in 30 minutes!!).
I will go get caught up on the five loads of laundry I haven't folded in 3 days...Kalni I get what you are saying. Even as I was discussing the weekend plan w/him I knew it was wrong. I guess I am not past that stage yet of wanting him to just SNAP out of it....But I will get there.
And John, you did not add to my stress. Like my other frequent posters, I consider you a friend, just one I have never met in person. I appreciated your support last night when I felt so alone...and you were right on your mutiple-choice list. It wasn't just my concern for S that had me disappointed H didn't want to come down. Funny how he can admit he is still w/OW and yet I am wanting him to come down????? That is how I know I need to do more work on me........
