While I understand your frustration, I really think these conversations you are having with DD about her mother are pretty unhealthy and damaging for her.
To see why, a helpful resource is a book on boundaries, Boundaries, by Anne Katherine.
I'll look it up, OT. It's difficult to know how to respond when the kids bring up mom's behaviour. I don't want to deny the truth in what they are saying nor do I want to use that truth to to bash their mom. I usually try to go middle of the road and maybe sometimes fail in that regard. I encourage them to bring up these issues with Mom and I tell them that we all have our own blind spots and this is one of Mom's. Thankfully these convos don't come up often. Thanks for your input.
Well, I just ordered the book OT. I've also ordered a book on recovering from emotional abuse because I'm recognizing that I have been putting that aspect of my R aside. I've been so busy keeping myself sane and active that I may not be really addressing the damage that was done to me. When I briefly look through writings on emotional abuse I see a great deal of what I went through, and still do, mentioned. When someone isolates you emotionally, constantly tells you in actions "you're nothing", dismisses or ignores your accomplishments, ignores your needs entirely, is never appreciative of any changes you make, leaves you for years feeling insecure in your M by saying "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore", withdrawl of affection e.g. we can have sex but I won't kiss you! Complete disregard for my needs as a human being e.g. when I was diagnosed with diabetes she said "I have energy for my job, my school and the kids. I don't have anything left over for you" after I confronted her about her lack of emotional support (btw, despite her lack of support I lost 45lbs and kicked the crap out of diabetes!). These are only a small portion of the abusive actions I have suffered at her hands in the past six years. Although I've come through so far with flying colours, I've got a long road to travel to get back to being a confident man who believes he has a right to be loved.
I'm also still looking for total acceptance of my self worth since my H has made me feel worthless for the past 7mths. Old habits die hard, I always felt I was falling short for somethings I did/say for the way I looked, whatever, always wondering what the heck was wrong with me that he couldnt' love me nor try hard to keep me.
I think I will visit my great C, the one we used to see with H last year, the one who saw right through him and asked me "so, if he does this again (see ow) what are you going to do?" he knew there was an unhealthy pattern which H had no interest in breaking.
In a few months wii, we'll be good as new inside.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I still maintain we are married to the same woman. The emotional drain of "never being right" is a killer. It seems like your W. is IDENTICAL to mine in that regard. She once told me that she saw Dr. Phil (I threw up in my mouth...but just a little) said” Would you rather be right or happy?” She honestly said "I can't tell the difference".
Although I desperately miss the woman I married, she's GONE, as it sounds, is your wife. They must be so very insecure in themselves, and really internally miserable. If you're like me, I cannot honestly, honestly ever remember her saying "I'm sorry" for anything. She talked about me not "meeting her emotional needs", but after a while, I was filled with resentment for always having to take the high road and say "This is stupid, I'm sorry", even when I had nothing to be sorry for, she made it seem like I was a total fool all the time. I was also emotionally exhausted. The diabetes story is typical. Who needs that? Strangers get treated better. Doormatus maximus!
Oh yes, "you aren't meeting my emotional needs" is a classic in emotional abuse! People who are interested in their partner meeting their needs are able to state what those needs are and discuss how we, as a couple, can work together to meet each others needs. I got "well, if I have to tell you then you just don't get it!" There is no possible grounds for success in such a scenario, you are set up to fail. My W wouldn't work on communication, it was all my shortcomings that needed to be fixed. When she says "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore" that should be an alarm bell that rings out for marriage counselling but my W wasn't interested, never suggested it and when I did she refused. It just chips away at you year after year and steadily demeans and denegrates you. My W continues these behaviours even now, for example, if I call and say "how are you" she will reply "fine" but NEVER will ask "how are you". This is another way of saying "you are nothing". The other night I told her about buying some clothes for the kids and when they didn't fit I had to ....and her response was to walk away with no comment. Again, "you are nothing" is the message. The beauty of these signature moves is that they leave you wondering and if you mention it the reply is "you can interpret my actions any way you want" (which is called "devaluing", an abusive tactic). I think it is good to recognize that what was happening was not just "we weren't meant to be together" but that one party was emotionally abusing the other. I don't believe my W was consciously trying to tear me down but I think she needed an outlet for her unhappiness and it was me. As you said FLTC, who needs it. I think I'm strong enough now to look at what happened and start to deal with it. My best friend has said for years "you're being emotionally abused". I think it's time to face it and deal with it.
I pretty much agree with that. Once I had bought and devoured the usual "5 Love Languages" and started to try to "speak' her language, her comment to me was "I know what you are trying to do, and it just irritates me."
I can feel the sting of your wife's actions and comments, and they make me wince, because I have been there. The "How are you?" is a classic one with me too. A friend I work with at home mentioned to another co-worker that he saw my W. in a store, and she looked terrible. Why not radiant with all the money I'm sending?
Without being redundant, I told you when she took me to the airport for Ft. Bragg, and then on to Iraq, my kids were attached to me, sobbing. She stayed in the car. Not a goodbye, not a "be careful", not even a generic "good luck". We had been married for 20 years, had 3 kids and I'm going to a fairly dangerous country mid-surge. She wouldn't be that heartless to a stranger. I am trying to harden to it, and be as unemotional back to her. It's for my own survival, and quite honestly, I'm more and more furious with her by the day. ( agin, not in a dangerous way, but in a "how can you be so cold?, "how could you betray your vows", "how can you wish this on your kids", you self-centered bit&h.")
FLTC, I'll give you my all-time favourite comment by W (it has also been voted "best comment" by my friends too!). She started complaining that I wasn't romantic, which was the latest in a string of neverending complaints. I, the fool I was, took these complaints seriously and tried to do better so I began sending flowers, making her heart shaped sandwiches for her lunch, bringing the odd treat to her workplace during lunch hour etc. Her response after a few months was "stop doing these things, you only do them because you know I like them" What a bastard, eh! The bottom line is that no matter what I did it was not allowed to make any impact. There was no interest in working on the M but there was an interest in tearing me down whenever the opportunity arose. Your L of L story reminded me of that little gem. FLTC, the thing that we can hold inside is that we did everything we could, we went the extra mile. We can hold our heads up whereas our S's cannot. That is worth something, isn't it?
The bottom line is that no matter what I did it was not allowed to make any impact. There was no interest in working on the M but there was an interest in tearing me down whenever the opportunity arose. Your L of L story reminded me of that little gem. FLTC, the thing that we can hold inside is that we did everything we could, we went the extra mile. We can hold our heads up whereas our S's cannot. That is worth something, isn't it?