Update to my sitch, the end has come

[LOVE_JONES]

Mako...I'm sorry but my opinion from being in your shoes...your wife would be "best served" going to the halfway house. I am really sorry but I think that is the best place for her right now. I say this even though I do not know your sister, but I do know what happens at the halfway houses.

The ones that I am familiar with have very structured routines. The clients can only leave for specific reasons, they have group sessions, therapy, meetings (internal and external) and everybody has chores to do and are encouraged to find jobs and pull their own weight. I really think this is the type of environment your wife needs right now. Not people who are going to cuddle her or 'baby' her back to health. It's not gonna happen that way....

My H was told many, MANY times during his recovery NOT to make ANY life changing/altering decisions during this time...esp as far as relationships are concerned. In fact, many of the sponsors would tell them not to even get involved with the opposite sex because of the difficulty of making rational decisions during recovery. I would think this applied to marriage/divorce/separation/reconcilliation etc. H and I were not married at the time and truthfully he ignored their warnings and had a really difficult time ACTUALLY getting clean. It took a real long time and many relapses and rehabs for him to FINALLY get it together.

Now I'm not saying it was bcuz he refused to give up our relationship but I'm just saying that this is a very difficult time for your wife. I know how hard it is for you right now too. If your anything like me, I know that you want to help her in anyway....to take the pain away and make her all better. But it is not your fight to win. She HAS to do this on her own and this is the first step for her. She has to take responsibility for herself and her actions. She may not be able to face up to that if she has you and your children to face as well.

My only advice is to allow her to go the halfway house...a reputable one. A program that is geared toward helping addicts gain their own self-respect and inner strength. Once she is able to deal with her pain she will be better able to deal with the day-to-day issues of life in general...including your marriage and family.

My best to you...I think of you constantly and really feel for you. I have been where you are now....

LJ

[mako_man]

We Spoke yesterday and her initial concern was that being in a halfway house (they recommended 6 mos) for that long she wont be able to see the kids. And if she just goes back to her sisters house, which is very much a positive environment, the courts will see that she didnt follow a recommended treatment plan. She then began to talk about *us* and her williness now to put everything out on the table, which she in fact started to do, I heard a lot. I then stopped her and explained its best to do this in a theraputic environment. She professed that if she could have anything it would be for me to trust her again. It ended with me telling her that I just dont know if thats possible but didnt completely rule it out. I understand her desperation but I need to make sure she is being genuine and not just playing me for a fool again. She has always been holding onto the this "you cant even prove an adultry case against me in court", but she clearly has now reversed that and admitted all kinds of things. I honestly do think its making her feel better to get these things out. I am just overwhelmed at the moment, and on the defense.

[LOVE_JONES]

It's natural for you to be on the defense...I completely understand. Also the trust issue is going to take some time...for sure. But it can happen, if she is willing to put in the work to make it happen.

As far as the HWH...and not seeing the kids, I believe many of them have set visiting days/hours. She should still be able to be with her children...at the specific visiting hours.

I hope she is not pleading her case to keep from going to the HWH. I hear you that her sister's house may be a positive environment, but it probably does not offer the kind of structure she will require in order to get her life back on track...and ultimately your marriage and family life.

But, I'm no expert and I do not know your wife or her sister. I do know many addicts though (too many) and I have not met ONE who went home after rehab and successfully remained clean after leaving.

Think long and hard my friend...her life (and your family's) is at stake. I wish you all the best.

LJ

[mako_man]

LJ, I hear you but its like this. This really isnt in my control, my plan is still to divorce her and hopefully move back to Pittsburgh with my children. I feel a godly obgligation to help her in ways that dont negatively affect myself or my family, I did take vows and believe in them. However, if you want my honest opinion I dont believe she will stay clean, at least I am certain she will drink again. One positive is that our mutual MC is chomping at the bit to finally talk with her again, he claims that she is at a stage where therapeutically he can finally do his thing. Up to now all the counseling has been a waste of time because of her dishonesty and denial. But again, this is out of my control, and while she recently has confessed that I am her main support system (involuntarily), I will be putting the welfare of my children first at all times. I love the woman, but I think if we were to get back together ANY time soon I would start to regret it even if she was clean, honest and permanently "fixed". I can feel that the depth of my feeling for her has been shallowed (does that make sense?), who knows. I dont know, that for sure, each day brings so many new things to think about I just am overwhelmed.

[cat03]

But again, this is out of my control, and while she recently has confessed that I am her main support system (involuntarily), I will be putting the welfare of my children first at all times
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glad to hear this, you are still in my prayers, take it one day at a time))))))))))))

[faithisbelieving]

I love the woman, but I think if we were to get back together ANY time soon I would start to regret it even if she was clean, honest and permanently "fixed". I can feel that the depth of my feeling for her has been shallowed (does that make sense?), who knows. I dont know, that for sure, each day brings so many new things to think about I just am overwhelmed.

Mako..you sound strong and in control. Your sentiments sound familiar (lol). Keeping your children safe...and moving yourself and your family to emotionally safe seas is always a good choice. Ya know...someday..she MAY come around and perhaps at that time YOU'LL have some choices. It's clear to me that you are protecting your kids and thinking safely and soundly.
Stay strong.
FIB

[mako_man]

Yes, LOTS of choices to make. I actually received a call from her counselor at the rehab yesterday (wife was in the room as well). It was presented to me by the counselor that I need to be supportive if she goes to this halfway house for 6 mos to a year. And she asked me point blank "do you still intend to fight for full custody while she is in there?" and told me "This could seriously derail her recovery efforts." [censored], I thought that was kind of unprofessional, and its not like I need any more pressure.

[mako_man]

Bah, I hit submit without finishing. The counselor was preaching AL-Anon for me, ok, I get that part. But isnt Al-Anon all about "dont enable your spouse or loved one", "focus on bettering yourself", "you are not responsible for their addictions or behaviors." ???? Needless to say, I was pretty pissed at being put on the spot like that, and I let her counselor and my W know, but I did tell them both I cannot make a decision at this time as to what I going to do.

[sandycay]

Wow, Mako_man I can't believe the counselor would do this in front of your wife. I think you should speak to her supervisor. I am glad your wife is trying to recover, that is a step in the right direction.

[mako_man]

Yeah, apparently the counselor was assisting my wife in finding an attorney as well, which is neither here nor there. But she did attempt to put me on the spot, which I wouldnt allow her to do.