I really struggled with detaching: what it meant, how to do it, how can you love someone and be detached. Now, I think I'm having a little trouble attaching. Don't want to be too attached, which I think I was.
Detaching. You can be too detached, but I don't think you need to worry about that. I came to think of it like this: A co-worker tells me about his knee that he hurt while skiing. I like this guy, and I'm sorry he's hurt, I really am. But when quiting time comes around, I go home and forget about his pain. It doesn't mean I'm not interested or concerned, just not attached, or correctly detached. Moving closer, my best friend is having a tough time. I hurt for him, but still I can go out and have fun at dinner with other friends. I'm detached. I can put it out of my mind. Their pain is not my pain. I can sympothize, even empothize, put it's not my pain. Is this working?
It's partly, mainly, the control issue. What can you control? If you can't control it, let it go. Don't let someone elses mood affect yours.
meanwhile, you GAL. You control what you can control and move ahead. Let go of what you can't control, take care of what you can control.
Obviously, she is attraced to you in many ways. From that, the other kinds of attraction will build. They talk about the spouse being addicted to the OP. Well, they are addicted to their spouses too. She's still addicted to you. She can't help it. It's physical and chemical. Thinking about her being attracted to you may help your ego, it may help you see the small postives that will give you the strength to keep going, but it may be in the way of detaching.
You mentioned that you need stop being her friend for a while. I hear you. You may need that to an extent to really be able to find the right level of detachment. Can you still be her friend though, just not as close? Can you listen if she wants to talk? It's really tough to walk that tight rope. Detach, but not too far. Give her space, but be ready to be there if she is ready.
You can think of it as a challenge and as problem solving if you want. A huge challenge that will really test you. And you can do it, and you'll feel great when you do.
Do what you need to for you though to detach. If you need some time, take it. Since I had kids, I found it really hard to just cut the ties, even for a short while, but I wanted to.
I think I'm babbling, or soon will, so I'll stop there. I think you're doing well. You're going down the right path.
Good luck,
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
You offer great advice. This is the direction I'm headed, but I'm worried that I'll drop into my old ways. It's amazing to me how I think I've got everything figured out and then suddenly I look at what I'm doing and it hits me - so THIS is what backsliding is!
She has ties to me in many ways. Attraction? Not so much right now. We haven't done anything together, other than dinners out (which have been extremely enjoyable and chatty), for a very long time. Everytime I offer, she says she has to work. But she clearly is extremely conflicted. I think me starting to turn down some stuff is really going to leave her with herself - I can't be the "back-burner" safety guy.
A challenge - interesting way to think of it. It is like a dance, but a puzzle might be a better way to think of it. Can you do stuff in the right combination to get to the next level? When one combo doesn't work, can you critically evaluate and try again? Interesting ...
I already see the tight rope walk between detaching and being available as a friend. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but am thinking about how to handle it.
Thanks for the encouragement - it's been great to know that you, grasshopper, WCW, and Sara have been checking in. I'm starting to appreciate this community in a new way.
Still no contact since W moved out. I find it amazing that she could be so conflicted about staying or leaving and now no contact for 5 days. She always has been able to partition her emotional life off and not deal with it. Yesterday was her IC appt. I don't have a lot of hope that much was accomplished, but shouldn't even be thinking about it - it's about her dealing with herself.
Anyway, fighting hard to keep PMA. Spring has sprung and the weather is supposed to be beautiful this weekend. Am planning on a bike ride with new friend, hiking, and starting to plan a native plants garden.
Unfortunately, PMA doesn't include my M, just me. It's really hard for me to see how this could ever work out when she's so intent on fighting it and staying mired in the past. Not even staying mired, but actively dwelling on stuff until she feels trapped in the present by her feelings about the past. Do I need to go a step past detachment and go dark? I'm at that point right now - will need to decide soon because I'll probably get a call from her by the end of the weekend.
Just wondering, why is it up to W to make the first contact? She might be thinking 'gee, why doesn't lodo at least say hello? is he that mad at me?' I used to tell H that he wanted to wallow around in his own misery and he should try climbing out of the pit. Didn't get me anywhere, so don't do that, but I agree with you that it happens.
Have you read Mars and Venus?
Spring? that's not a season. We only have 2 seasons here. Winter and Construction.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
When W was moving out, she first said she wanted to wait to talk until after going to C, then she said she wanted to go a couple times. Maybe she didn't mean to cut off contact, but I'm tired enough of her emotional swings that I don't feel like making the effort at this particular time. She's actively working against friendship and I feel like I need space from that negativity.
Oh boy. Here I go, skyrocketing out of piecing in a big way.
W asked to come over and get some stuff. We ended up talking - I let her talk while I listened. She said she's actively looking for places to live and she's decided to try things with OM. During our conversation last sunday, I had said that most affairs don't last over 6 months, so she asked if we could talk again in 6 months. Talk about cake-eating! I said I couldn't answer that right now.
She said she felt terrible, that OM was advocating for her to be with me, and that she cared for me deeply but didn't understand why she didn't feel like being with me anymore (strangely, since she started affair). Also said that we should start separating our finances. I agreed and said we could cross bridges as we came to them, but we should take things day by day. I said I appreciated her honesty and hoped that we could continue being open - she said yes. I also said we were friends first and hoped we could continue on in that vein - she said she very much wanted that.
There it is. I'm really feeling pretty crappy right now. lodo
What am I willing to put up with? Good question. Deep down in my heart I know that we can fix things if we both approach the M in a positive manner. She obviously still cares deeply for me - said that's why she'd been back and forth so much.
So if I follow MWD, I be patient, a friend, and work on myself to show her a more attractive man to be with. If I follow Dobson, I give her an ultimatum, even though she's already chosen another over me. If I follow the advice on most of these threads, I wait and hope the fog lifts or the alien leaves.
I don't know. Right now all I can see is the disintegration of almost everything in my life. Still, I'll be okay no matter what happens. I just need to start planning for the worst now and make sure I take care of myself.
Nothing much to say - just checking on your sitch and to encourage you to keep looking out for yourself - and to suggest that if you have the mettle to continue with the friendship, consistency and patience while keeping the drama low and your PMA and GALing high you may get to your destination.
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Thanks for checking in. Kinda bad timing right now.
I'm looking out for myself but feel like I'm facing a steep road ahead. Glad I've been participating on this site to have a variety of views on what to expect.
No matter what happens, I'll take care of myself and keep going with my PMA and GAL - that's helped tremendously so far. I think I might need to change the 24-hour rule to the 48-hour rule.
The crazy part is that I have every reason to hate my W right now and be ranting/raving. But I'm not. I still love her and I understand how this could happen. Not why she's making the choices she's making, but why the opportunity arose.
I came to think of it like this: A co-worker tells me about his knee that he hurt while skiing. I like this guy, and I'm sorry he's hurt, I really am. But when quiting time comes around, I go home and forget about his pain. It doesn't mean I'm not interested or concerned, just not attached, or correctly detached. Moving closer, my best friend is having a tough time. I hurt for him, but still I can go out and have fun at dinner with other friends. I'm detached. I can put it out of my mind. Their pain is not my pain. I can sympothize, even empothize, put it's not my pain. Is this working?