on hold

[sandi2]

Hi Stella,

I posted before reading to the end of your thread, but when your H calls and says some of the things he does, I think he is just feeling you out to see if you will ask him to come back home to you. You are doing good by not falling for this game. Stay detached and let him work his own hell he created out by himself.
In the meantime......you stay busy and GAL. Take care of yourself with the right diet and exercise. I've read a lot lately that exercise is really good for people that suffer with depression. If the depression is not too bad, the St. John Worts is pretty good (if you take enough), but if it continues, go to a doctor. You have good reason to be depressed and there is no disgrace in asking for help.

Give yourself a treat to a "make-over" or do something to brighten your life up and feel good about yourself. You know, we women tend to place a lot of blame on ourselves that really is not our fault and it causes us to have low self-esteem. Therefore, I recommend reading good books that will uplift your spirits. Watch only funny shows and not any of the sad love stories or where somebody is dying. I had to stop all of that b/c it wasn't good for me. I think you are at a point that you really need to think about Stella and not worry so much about H. Man, I said that easy, didn't I? Harder to do, I know. But sweetie, you need to for your own sense of value and your health. While you are doing all this for yourself, it will help the time go by quicker and help with the detaching.

You keep coming here as much as you feel like it. You've got our support and we care about you. No matter what happens.....don't give up on you! Okay?


Sandi

[stella_k]

Sandy, thanks for rthe words of encouragement.

I am getting used to the detachment and don't get all worked up when he doesn't call. His attitude as of lately - one call per week, usually Saturday, so he can speak with D17.

The reason I'm not going to try and ask him to come back is that I know he won't, not until he is ready. Everything I read about MLC confirms that. And he is such a typical MLCer, to the very last detail.

I don't want to think of it as a battle of wills, I know that he is genuinly confused and depressed and wants the nightmare to be over as much as I do. But if it comes to that, my will is stronger. I always stick to my word, he always questions his decisions (used to drive me crazy!), never made a single move he didn't regret afterwards. He knows it about himself and it adds to his confusion.

So I will just keep going dark.

Problem is, I came up with the deadline more then a year ago, when the first Bomb was dropped, and I knew nothing about MLC. The deadline is May.Now I understand that the process should go uninterrupted and it takes as long as it takes. But how can I take it back?
He is planning on coming here in May, to see our D graduate and help us pack and give me his answer. I have 2,5 months to come up with something.

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance!

[Andy O P]

Hi Stella_K, Just wanted to thank you for your support over my own MLCer.

I think you are right my W is in a living hell herself and I am sure she wishes it would end. My W is the same and is not a great decision maker as she does not look forward for any future problems but just wants to be happy on the day.

I think the real problem is the self-esteem issue and as hers has sunk mine has risen so I am feeling very detached.

I do love her and want to be with her, on the other hand I know that I could live without her and have a good life too. The decision to ride out the MLC is mine and at least that is something I have control of.

How strong is the deadline in your H's mind? My W cannot accurately recall what she did or said yesterday, the MLC fog is causing total confusion, it really is like dealing with a petulant teenager. When I have pressed W on any issue she has just said the most hurtful thing she can and then rescinded. Could you just ignore the deadline and see what happens? Perhaps if he doesn't mention it neither should you.

Andy.




[/quote]

[sandi2]

Dear Stella,

As far as putting a deadline on a person in MLC.....it doesn't work that way. I think you have figured that out already. Unless you feel that YOU have to make a decision whether to stand for your M or to move on without your H and make another life for yourself.......that would be the only reason for a deadline. I think every person in MLC takes a different amount of time to get through their "process". It is so painful for everyone.

I don't think I was in a full blown MLC. Good thing......at my age (lol). I am making fun of myself not anyone else's problems.....(my weird sense of humor at 4:00 a.m.)

The thing is sweetie, it takes some men (especially) two or three years to get completely through it. From what I am reading in your stitch, it seems that your H was beginning to come around more and staying longer before you went dark. Perhaps I missed something somewhere. I read a lot of threads on the board, so I may be thinking of somebody else's stitch. I know you were trying very hard to do what the DR book tells you and what the folks here were telling you, but remember we are not professionals. We are here to support you and try to encourage, etc. I support Michelle's books. I have discovered that some newcomer misunderstand the "timing" of some things and want to immediately jump to the LRT or go dark too soon. I am wondering if you went dark just about the time he was beginning to come around and stay longer at your house?

You said he was planning to come to D's graduation in May, so that means he has moved? I'm sorry, my mind is foggy this morning, I should have gone back to re-read you stich again.

I know how frustrating it is to have a H that is a slow thinker and doer b/c that is exactly the way mine is! It drives me out of my mind at times. But, back to you.......I believe you are right to wait for him to be ready and for him to want to come back home. If you are seeing signs in him that makes you think he is hinting to see how you would feel about that decision now.......I would give hints back at him that that is what you still want him to do. If in fact it is what you still want, Stella. I can understand the depression he is going through. It is awful and he does want it over and he does want to be "normal" again and have his life back again. He really just does not know what to do at this point in his life. It is sad for him, and for you as well.

I believe the real decision lies with you. What do you want after detaching from him? Your D will be graduating and going on with her life.....what will Stella do with her life?

I hope that when he comes for the graduation that it will be a time for celebration for your D. But, I also hope that other positive things will happen. After the cermony of the graduation, I hope the two of you will have a chance to really talk about the R. I hope it will be a decision making event for the two of you......one way or the other. However, if not.....and you still want to stand for your M, then you go for it and hang in there. There is always hope as long as he is not M to another woman. If he does, then you need to make another life for yourself. If he regrets marrying another woman or whatever.....it's too bad, he made the decision. (I can be kind of hard.)

Stella, dear, you know how much you love this man. You know him and we don't. It is your life and your decision as to what you want to do. If you think he is worth waiting another year or however long it may take......do it. If you can't......do what you need to do for your own health and peace of mind. Although we are here to support busting divorces, in the end.....each person has to do what they feel is right for their own lives.

God bless you. I know this is horrible for you. It is for him also. Keep coming here to us b/c we care about you. Whatever decision you make.....and you don't have to make one by May! We still care and want to support you. Take care.

Sandi

[stella_k]

WOW, Sandi!

I g2g now, have class:(, will read when I get back home.

((((((((Thanks a buncn!))))))))

[stella_k]

Thank you again, dear Sandy! You gave me so much to think about!

From what I am reading in your stitch, it seems that your H was beginning to come around more and staying longer before you went dark. I am wondering if you went dark just about the time he was beginning to come around and stay longer at your house?

We are "unoffiicially" separated (due to his work. Long story!) for 19 months now. He is coming and going ever since .Last time (after finding out about the OW) I've told him that i will not call him, unless it's an emergency. And I never did.

I'm not sure I know what "Stella wants"... as if he influenced me with his crazy MLC and I don't even know who I am anymore. He is not the only one who needs time to process things... I guess I expect him to do something to clean up the mess he created and to convince me somehow that it's for real. Dreams

I've already decided that I want to go home first (I'm in Asia now) and see how things will turn out to be. Then, accordingly, I will decide what to do with my life.

Sorry, if the whole thing doesn't make much sense. Cannot write to save my life!

[stella_k]

ok, something happened just now and I still hardly believe it!

H has called (I didn't expect him to call until tomorrow or Sunday). I was upbeat again, told him about D playing in the school concert yesterday. He said, oh, that's why nobody was home, I was calling (?).

Then we spoke about his work, beautiful weather we're having here, my work, and I asked him about his depression. He said, it's still there and still bad. I suggested a few things, including IC, gym and vitamins. He said it won't help, he still feels terrible about what he has done. And then he actually said it: I WANT THINGS BACK THE WAY THEY WERE!!!!!
Now, I don't know what I was supposed to say. That's what i said: Please, don't rush.
I said it lovingly and called him by his pet name, but still I could tell it was not what he expected! He changed the subject and said good bye pretty soon.

It was so much more then hints and I guess I should have given it right back at him!

I really don't know if I blew it or not.

I just don't want to get hurt again! My gut feeling tells me he is not done yet and I can't take his yo-yoing any longer.

Also, if I remember correctly, I should expect him to run back into the tunnel again.
(Honestly, with all that tunnel talk, I can't help but picture a small frightened mouse (H) and a big sly cat, waiting for it to stick it's nose out of the tunnel (Me).

Any thoughts please?

[stella_k]

Andy, I'm so sorry, I didn't see your post! Must be in a fog myself

How strong is the deadline in your H's mind?

[/quote]

Yes, the same. H is so confused, he can hardly remember things. With deadline it's going to be different, though, since he has to come over here (from overseas) for our D17 graduation and help us pack and move out.

I am glad you're feeling strong and in control!

[stella_k]

bump

[addie]

Not much time to post.

You didn't blow it with your reply. You were shocked that he said this. It is a very positive sign but don't have too many expectations. If he's still depressed he's not out of the fog and may go right back into the tunnel. H has shown a few baby steps lately. Hang in there.