Here is H's letter to me, maybe it is a violation of his privacy but oh well. Any input would be appreciated...
Bobbi,
I really do not know where to begin and I have been there for a long time now. I am stumbling along searching for every next step. I am tired, I am broken, I am lost, I am not happy, I am frustrated and I am severely disappointed with how my life is turning out. Thank God for [censored] and Nate. I truly believe that without them around my time on this planet would have been cut short by now. I no I have hurt you and am hurting you and though it seems perculiar I have never had that intention. I have just been very selfish and self absorbed but at the same time very unhappy. It is not your job to make me happy and I do know we can have fun together we have several times in many places but right now I do not feel fit or deserving of any thing you have ever given me. I hate me. I have done my absolute best at all the wrong things. I quit and f 'ed up my good job in KC and was fortunate actually blessed that something showed up that might facilitate my own personal ressurection.
I can't stop lying to you and have been doing it forever, and to more than just you and maybe that is precisley why I can talk with Doug and Nathan because I let them see all the ugly truth of how horrible I am. I do not feel nor have I ever felt like I can do that with you and several others for that matter. I have to be funnier than I am, stronger, smarter, and better than I am capable of being. I think that is because the real Dan was so boring for the first part of my life and now i feel like I have to be so much cooler than that.
Stephanie has not fixed the problem only complicated the living [censored] out of everything or I would be HAPPY right now and I am not. I know she is not the answer and blame my stupidity and lack of character on most of the sever problems in my life but it is much bigger than her. I know you think it is a copout when I say that I hate women but I do. From theproblems in Wichita to the problems in Boise to the strippers and whatever else I blame my weak and broken nature on how I deal with all women.
With one exception, SYDNEY!!!! I know you say that my actions show that I do not love the kids but I do and more than my own life. I NEED them desperately to keep me sane. Nate is my anchor and that must be draining for him to see me angry and miserable all the time I hate it. I want so much more for me and now my new job sucks too. I cannot not win.
I need time, time away. From you and the world and her and who knows what else but of my own solutions are working and I think it is the only way. I am drained I have nothing left to give and I am burning a very short fuse on both ends. I want to be happy and you deserve to be to it is just that all the things I am surrounded by other than the kids bring me fleeting moments of but eventually complicate my life way way way way more.
I have fallen and cannot get back to who I was and as I cannot remember who that is it will be a long time until I get back there.
I know you I have put up with more than any woman should ever have to and i just keep kicking. You deserve better and hopefully you will find it in me and hopefully you will have enough patience to see if that is possible. Yet, I know I can expect no more from you than I already have gotten and will try my best not to hurt you any longer whether together or apart.
Most of my dreams seem to being falling apart fast and I barely have the energy or confidence to tackle even the most minor of problems. I miss me. I liked me once upon a time and this just sucks.
I do not know if this helps or hurts but right now and for as long as I can remember I am lost, and trying to climb the mountain of fixing me and you I cannot muster the energy to fight.
I do love you. I know that sounds pathetic with all I have done but I do and I hate the way I am treating you.
I do not knowif this helps or hurts but it is the best I have now.
I know you will want to talk to her and her you and I say go ahead how much worse can I look than I do now. I don't much left to lose other than the kids and God help me if they disappear. As ugly as you have seen I am sure she can paint an uglier picture and that you could do the same for her.
I need help and rest and without it I can fix nothing.
I am so angry at him but I see/hear/feel his pain in his words too...man is he struggling. I just don't want to go down with the ship...
