Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

I am just falling apart lately. H is away for 5 days and I haven't called him once. He calls at night to talk to the kids. Today he asked to speak to me and was nice and friendly. He told me to tell the kids he loves them, which hurt because he didn't say he loves me, though he called me "sweetie." I am finding myself jealous of my Ds, how sick is that? H is so loving and affectionate with them and while I of course wouldn't want him not to be, it actually hurts for me to see it sometimes. Especially when he and D11, who looks just like me, curl up and read together on the couch. That's supposed to be ME.

I have been feeling such profound grief these past few days, realizing what my future holds--Xmas without H, summer vacations at my family house without him--so many traditions and things we've done for almost 20 years together and then with the kids. It seems so sad and lonely to think of doing all these things without him--just unbearable. And to know that he can only be happy if I am NOT part of his future--it's just too painful.

I already take ADs and see a therapist, and I have a big support system of friends--but still, I feel on the verge of tears all the time and like someone is searing my heart in half.

I know my H feels horrible about causing me so much pain--so why, then, must he???