Forgot to discuss the IC appt. Basically she asked how it was going and I said I was actually quite fine surprisingly enough, just tired of living "in limbo". That we hadn't discussed what our "separation" really was, geographical or relationship-based. I said I wanted to ask him what he thought it was and get some expectations/boundaries whatever from him, but didn't want it to be considered pursuing. She said asking your spouse for his current expectations in the relationship is NOT pursuing. She asked how things would look different depending on our status.
I said:
When H comes home on the weekend, if we are "working to fix" the M and he is just gone for work, I would greet H with a hug and a kiss as I always have when he gets home from a work trip. I would sleep in bed with him and maybe be physical with him. Be affectionate during the weekend, talk to him, do family stuff, etc.
When H comes home on the weekend if he is "figuring himself/things out" in order to THEN decide what to do w/us, I would be more distant, giving him his time and place.
When I move back in a month or so, if we are "working on it", I would be talking w/H about finding a home for us to live in. While we are both home, we would live under the same roof, or at least alternate hanging out at each others' parents' houses w/the kids TOGETHER even if we slept in different places. (But don't know why we'd really need to sleep in different places.)
When I move back in a month or so, I H is still "figuring things out", then I would be finding my OWN place to live w/kids...I would alternate nights I have the kids w/my parents, and nights he has them w/his...
Things like this are what I think about a lot right now. I just wish I knew which direction we were headed. On the one hand, he told MC he wants to "work on things"; on the other, he told her he would use our time apart to "work on himself/figure things out".
And I told IC about my snooping. I almost didn't b/c I was embarrassed so I told her w/5 min. left and we went over by 20 min!! She said at this point, if I had asked H whether he was talking w/OW would I have believed/trusted his answer? I said "No." She said then the only way I would find the truth was by looking. She said generally it is a very bad thing to spend time snooping but if I was trying to make a decision whether to continue w/my M and it was the only way to find out the status w/OW, she understood why I did it. Also said that if I felt I couldn't trust H to give me honest answers regarding OW at this point, it was wise for us NOT to reconcile/move back in together, since I don't trust him.
I told her the phone bill was only up to 2/7 and a new one should post tomorrow or Saturday showing up to 3/7. That I vowed not to look at it but since I am trying to decide if I want my marriage back I am torn. She asked the same ?, if I were to ask H if he stopped contact w/OW and he said "Yes", would I trust/believe him? I said Honestly, no, not with his track record....
She said that if I was truly at "decision time" w/H, then I needed to know status of OW. She said that the fact that I have made huge strides in my process and he has made almost NO progress since we started this in Nov, reflects in his relationship w/OW. She said that if he is still talking to her 4-5-6 times a day, he couldn't possibly be able to dedicate himself to our marriage and helping us get back to a healthy relationship. She said as long as OW is in the picture, H and I would not be able to work things out successfully, and she recommended that I NOT move back in w/H if I felt OW was still in the picture. She said you can't work on a marriage and be "seeing" someone else at the same time....which is so true.
I know you guys came down on me for snooping and I came down on myself too. But at the same time I guess for me, if I move up to Iowa, move into a home w/H, feel confident that we are moving in the right direction, and then 6 months from now find out that he and OW have been together the whole time, it will be even more devastating for me than just staying apart right now....
After his A 5 yrs ago, we got back together w/out a real discussion of our problems, or what we wanted to be different in our relationship to "try again". My only pre-requisite was that he left OW. But we have wound up back here again. I don't want to move too fast to rejoin him only to have it blow up in my face again. I guess I could wait several months to see if I just suddenly "feel" that OW is no longer a factor. OR I could wait for H to spontaneously leave his phone out, or call her up in front of me and repeat how it is over, etc. But I don't see H ever doing anything like that. And even if they aren't sleeping together anymore I can't stand the thought of getting into bed with him in Iowa every night knowing he has been calling/texting HER all day long. And there have been a lot of pictures sent and I don't want to know what those are...
So I know this is one of those 48-hour things where I should wait for my emotions to level off....But I also know I am not going to keep working to save this M if he is juggling me and her.....
