Help I fell off the DB wagon

[sandycay]

A little background. I found out on Jan. 20th my husband of 17yrs was having an affair with a woman who lives on the other side of the globe. He met her through work over there. They have seen each other only a few times. This started in Nov'07.

He broke it off that day, and committed to working on our marriage. Well 10 days later he contacted her and told me about it and moved out that night. His decision. He loves her very much. We have not told our children the truth about his leaving.

He told me that she didn't want to have anything to do with him, since he "hurt her" by breaking it off with her. So, I figured their contact was over and that he needed space and time. So I have been giving him that for a month.

He has been at the house everyday to see the kids and I often accompany them on their outings per his invitation. He states that we have to friends no matter what the outcome.

Well, I found out they are in communication with each other. I blew it this morning and called him and wanted to know what was I suppose to do with the knowledge. He wants to know if I am pushing his back up against the wall, because I won't like the answer and he has to go to work and we will talk later. I said why are you contacting her? He said, you know why?

He states he doesn't know what he wants. What do I say or do when we continue this conversation later? I am having a hard time detaching from him.

Because of their limited contact, I don't think the affair will ever be stale and get old.

This was a good, stable man until this happened and this has thrown him for a loop.

I really appreciate any advice on what to say or do at this point.

[sandycay]

Ok you great DB'rs I need some input. He will be calling soon to talk.

[sgctxok]

Hi Sandy,

Welcome to Divorcebusting.com. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this situation.

In the short term...just listen. Just listen to what he has to say. Do everything to not react. You can do that.

If he asks you any pointed questions....just say you really wanted to listen to him and then have a chance to think about it before responding. Then do that, come back here and we'll help you work it through.


No two situations are exactly alike......but IN GENERAL affairs burn out. Some take longer than other. Figure 6 months to even 2 years. Michele has better solution oriented advice in Divorce Rememdy, and great insight as well. There is also good insight on marriagebuilders.com (Michele speaks at some of their seminars). Michele's advice, IMHO, is better...leaves you more options.


Hang in there.....at least for tonight.

I'll check in later......your fellow DBers will be here too.

You can do this.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Sandy)))))
Listen a lot. Talk very little. Validate his feelings. That does not mean agree, just allow him to have them. He probably really doesn't know what he wants, and nothing you say is going to change that right now. When he says something that makes you ill, and you have to respond, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or nod your head, or, just say,"yes". Try not to juadge him, no matter what is happening inside.

There will be plenty of time for doing "something", but for now, "nothing" is the best you can do. As the doctors say, "Do no harm."

[ms ladybug]

Welcome Sandy,
Sorry you're here, but it's a good place actually, and you'll get a lot of good advice.
I agree with dry-heat, you need to validate his feelings. I will disagree about saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." only because my h HATES when I say that and tells me to not apoligize for his feelings...but that's my quircky husband.

One of the best things I heard when I came here was to not believe anything your husband has to say, and only 50% of what you see. Likely, he's going to say a lot of things that hurt you. He might say very vile, mean things to you. Grain of salt. It's hard, I know. But, if your h sees that you're OK without him, he might question leaving.

Be upbeat, be strong, be OK

Come here often, this board has gotten me through some really rough waters...I don't know what I would have done without it sometimes.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Welcome I will disagree about saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." only because my h HATES when I say that and tells me to not apoligize for his feelings

I can see that ladybug. You could just say, "hmm". the point is to let him have the feelings, and not to judge them.

One of the best things I heard when I came here was to not believe anything your husband has to say, and only 50% of what you see. Likely, he's going to say a lot of things that hurt you.

I like this one too. The thing to remember, though, is when they say it, they believe it. But that doesn't make it true. Whatever you do, don't argue about it, there's nothing good can come from that!

[minkerman]

What MsLadybug and dry heat are saying is, I think, true.

Two nights ago, after being on the verge of reconciliation (W saying ILY, great sex, talk of moving back, selling apartment and buying new one, travel, etc etc) she dropped Bomb #3. Not moving back, doesn't know how this will end up, has been trying to find a way out of our M for the last 12 years, is not in love with me, etc etc.

I sent her an email the next day, validating everything she said. I told her that she "helped me by telling me all these things". "Now I can move on, just like you". "Wow, 12 years of trying to find a way out...that must have been horrible for you!". "You're so right, I don't want you to move back if you're not in love with me".

The next day she called me twice and texted me once. In the 1st phone call, she apologized for some of what she had said. We had a really nice chat, where she said we should just "keep things neutral"...a big change from wanting out and never loving me again. She ended the call with a sobbing ILY.

So, a perfect example of not believing everything I hear.

Sandy, I am playing it cool. I believe that DB is the best chance wifey and I have.

[sandycay]

Thank you for all you input.

Ms. Ladybug, he has been nothing but NICE since he left. He wants no conflict.

Minkerman, I have been following your situation for the last month and feel for you.

Here is the email is sent him before he came over:

Dear H,


I should not have called you this morning. I wish this phase in our lives could be painless and that I would always be in control of my emotions. Honestly, no matter what either of us says or does there will be times when we will not do things the right way. There will be days when we are not proud of our behavior. This could be really easy if I didn't care but, then what kind of person would I be?

In the morning, they say, you see things more clearly and that is how I feel right now. When I called you, I had been up all night. Now, I see things as they are, not much different than they were yesterday, the day before, or a month ago. There have been times in this month I thought I couldn't make it and I did. There have also been times in this month when things just felt good.

It never does anyone any good to focus on the bad things in life. That being said, over the last month most days I have successfully been able to focus on the good things. My phone call to you this morning was a moment where I lost focus. I don't know what else to tell you other than, now I am okay.

If your like me, your feelings change moment to moment. Because I know these feelings are in constant flux, I haven't asked you any questions in this letter. It's my guess you don't have any concrete answers to the questions I would ask. You don't have to offer any explanations, but I'd like to know that you read this.


W


So, he came over and we talked for a bit he says he doesn't feel like he belongs here anymore. That the three of us (me& the kids) broke his heart and he doesn't know how to recover. He is going to support me until I finish school (3 years). When I asked him point blank (I know bad DB girl) if he was done with marriage yet, he said,,, "I'm not ready to answer that question yet, but don't push my back against the wall because you won't like the answer"

He said he is talking to the OP (he loves her)every few days. But counters that by mumbling something to the effect of it could never work out. She is from Spain, but lives in Qatar and is a pilot for that airline. So they can see each other but not much.

Here is my next dilema: He comes over everyday and hangs out with the kids and I. We (as a family) spend most of the weekends together, and he goes back to his apartment at night. He really wants to maintain a good relationship with me because of the kids he says.

It's hard to go dark when he is here, but he is not ready to take them to his apartment yet. I don't know if I should use this time to my advantage by letting him see the new me. He will start traveling a lot soon so it will be easy to be dark then. He has never been the jealous questioning type either so I don't know if any of that would ever bother him.

I will say that I am the biggest reason this man left. I didn't respect, love, honor, or cherish him like he deserved. My kids modeled my behavior. I have been working on fixing that as well. I have been working on myself for 6 weeks now and see the errors of my ways, but right now I don't think he cares and just wants me to be happy without him.


He is coming over the eat dinner with the kids tonight as they have been busy most of the week after school and have missed him.

So should I continue letting him come over everyday or not?

[Sugar and Spice]

Sandy,

You can take responsibility only for what you may have done/not done to let your marriage get to a certain point, it takes 2, but you can't be responsible for him and the choice he has made to seek OP.

The changes you have made in the last 6 weeks, keep making them, but don't point them out. Let him see for himself, he sounds just like my H. Don't push me, you won't like what you hear, etc... Just keep working on you and focusing on you and the kids. He may not be ready to take them to his place, but if hes there take advantage of that and make plans. Go out and GAL! Do things that make you happy and feel good. If you can be around him and successfully DB, do so, if not, when he is there, go elsewhere until you can.
I know how hard it is and I frequently fall off of the wagon, but keep it up because no matter what, you will end up better in the end.

[sandycay]

Well, he came over and asked for the extra table and chairs we have up in the attic so S13 & I helped him load it in his truck. S was upset but H asked him to come to the apartment and help him unload it. Son, said NO! After, husband left I talked to son about it and he changed his mind so H came back and got him. They will be back later for dinner.