Mopsey, Your h is still very much tied to you and your family. It's not about the insurance, meals or just coming there to visit w/the children. He's still emotionally tied to everything and everyone under that one roof. So, I would stop trying to second guess yourself and him as to why he's coming there. As long as he's in crisis, he's going to say he's not coming back. Who knows what the future holds for the both you. I do know this, the more you detach, the more he's going to sense it and attempt to back paddle to have a spot in your life.
As for the gravy train, well, if it stops or wrecks along the way, it just may make him realize what he's about to lose totally. Right now, you've been there, as an extremely patient spouse, an excellent listener and yes, you've been his cheering squad when he's felt insecure and needed someone to bounce things off of. If you cease some of this, he may very well panic and start reaching out to you, just as he has done in the past. Some of them will hit bottom very hard and start moving ahead in the tunnel, others will walk away. I can't tell you what your h may do, but I do suspect, from past practices, he'll attempt to suck you back in to his drama.
Mopsey, time to step back, not one step, but two. It's time to leave him out there to figure things out. The train needs to move on down the tracks to the next station. If he's truly still dependent upon you emotionally, he will make every effort to reel you back in once again. Time to live your life to the fullest and be there for your children completely. It's time to put the analyzing up on the top shelf and say "what will be, will be". Turn it over to the man upstairs, for he's the only one that can determine if and when this is over for your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
