Steelers Fan - Husband Making Progress Part III

[SirPrizeMe]

SF, I think you are soooo right.

It's the guilt. In my situation, anyway, I think that is the main issue: unresolved guilt. Often my wife said, when we were in therapy, that she did not feel guilt. The therapist would ask her about it. Regularly. And W would deny any feelings of guilt. That never made sense to me.

Then later she made a remark to me that my mother "had forgiven her". My mother passed away in 2004; she was a beautiful, strong person. Wifey and Mom were close. Why would she make that remark if she were not struggling with guilt?

Why is it that she cut herself off from my entire family, with whom she was close? Why can she not talk to them these days? Why can she not face them?

But of course I am not in a situation anywhere close to SF's situation. My wife is afraid of me and is acting in fear. We are in divorce court, filing papers, and so on. It is not a pretty sight.

In her filings, she continues to use language of a victim. She says her affair was a "symptom of a bad marriage". Everything is my fault. She has never really accepted responsibility for making the decision to have an affair. She says in her filings that therapy "didn't work" to resolve my issue (which she says is anger). But she doesn't say that she walked out of therapy, refused to go back.

ah

a shame.

Anyway SF, I think you are right, it's the guilt.
What can you do about it? Maybe Act As If. Which I am sure you are already doing.

[MidwesternGirl]

What can I do about the guilt-is that what you are asking?

I cannot do anything. This is a journey only he can get out of.

All I can do is be here for him, assure him things will be fine, tell him it is okay. There is nothing anyone can do about another's guilt. This is part of the price they pay for going outside of the marriage. Some people it does not affect as badly but with my H, it is affecting him big time.

Andabelle: Based on your member date, it looks as though this is a fairly recnt MLC. Am I right? Be very careful. My H has been on this journey probably about one year prior to the bomb which would make it almost four years.

Peace: I hope my posts have been helpful.

[SirPrizeMe]

yes - I was asking, what can you do about his guilt. To make it easier for him to face it.

[MidwesternGirl]

I think I answered above. I cannot change the guilt that he is feeling but he knows he is forgiven and that I love him no matter what and he knows he is welcome home when he feels he is ready.

[MidwesternGirl]

I wanted to elaborate on my answer.

For starters, I had to realize that only God can work on this and He has given me the strength and courage to be the following:

patient
kind
loving from a distance
a good listener

and most of all:

being consistent with my behavior.

I am not one day bashing him, the next being kind. I am the same at all times.

With those things I think it has helped me to cope with what H has been telling me. I want to be able to allow him to feel comfortable around me and in our home. He does not need any added pressure from anyone about what he has done.

I will allow him his space, as much as he needs.

It is those things and a lot of prayer that has been so powerful in this crazy adventure.

[MidwesternGirl]

my husband texted me before 10:30 tonight.

it was small talk and then i asked him if he wanted me to stop by this friday before i go to work and he said no, he would be coming over here soon.

i asked what he meant and he said he was going to be moving home very soon and hates where he lives and wants to be with me and the kids.

i told him i want him to feel comfortable here at home, and that at times, if he wants his space, i would honor that and he appreciated it.

he said he looks forward to coming home and said there will be no turning back.

i have to get some sleep now as i certainly need it.

[cw68]

whoo hoo!

[Treese]

Oh, SF;

I am so happy for you....you certainly deserve it....a new beginning....with many happy years ahead...

(((hugs)))

[mymonkeybug]

Oh how amazing. I wish you and your family the best upon his return. Please continue to keep us all posted.

[mymonkeybug]

SF-

Would you please consider going to my thread, 'Hello Mr. MLC' and reading then give me a post with some opinions and words of wisdom? I sure would appreciate it. I need the advice of a wise DB'er because I really think I am reaching the end of my rope.

Thanks a bunch-Heather