Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[Snow White]

Its funny how moms can get under your skin like no one else can. My mom was the person that I decided to tell when I decided I could not hold it in any longer. I told her because 1. she takes care of me and 2. she had an affair on my father at a rough point in her life and I felt she would not be in position to judge. At the time she didn't(at least not out loud) now I get the "is he still texting her" whispered in a non church voice while he is the next room over and every question is with a cocked head being shaken back and forth in disapproval.

[GoingForward]

Yep! My sisters even tell me that our mom shouldn't judge. She's made her share of mistakes, too, so how can she feel she has the right to tell any of us what to do or how to handle our lives?

[GoingForward]

Yesterday had its ups and downs. Several ups and actually only one down, but it was a big one, and it's always been H's #1 complaint. I've got to get a handle on it, and it's really tough.

Almost immediately after receiving my mom's e-mail which left me irritated, H called for the 3rd time that morning and when I answered my cell, instead of greeting him with a pleasant hello, I let out a rather annoyed, "Yes?" He said hello? I said hi, what's up? H said are you ok? I said no, I've got another issue going on with my mom, and I was in a hurry to get out the door and go to the courthouse. H said if it would help, he'd take S3 with him until I was done with that. I said no that's alright since H was just coming off his graveyard shift and should really get some sleep. Then I asked him what he needed. He said he wanted to go see someone about getting our taxes done and wanted to know if I could get all of our documents in order. He was about 10 minutes away from the house and wanted to swing by to pick them up. I gave him another annoyed response and said alright. He said, "Ok well is two minutes of your time too much to ask for?" I snapped no it's not. I said I was getting ready to leave and if I wasn't here when he got here, the papers would be under the doormat. He said bye then hung up.

Instantly, I felt like cr*p. I took the frustration I had towards my mother out on H with my attitude. It was never my intention, but the phone call came right after the e-mail, and the tense emotions were very raw. Anyway, I told myself that I needed to get it together. Once I was calm and at peace again, which would've taken me about 5 - 10 minutes, I would call H to apologize for the way I behaved towards him. It wasn't his fault.

I was gathering my things and grabbing a few snacks for S3 when H showed up; he was much closer than he estimated. Right off the bat, he comes at me with, "You need to understand something. If this is going to work at all, you need to control this sh*t and f*cking be nice to me. Did I deserve to be talked to that way? And I'm sorry if your time is too precious to waste on helping me out." S3 walked up to us, and H began playing with him, so I walked away to finish putting things together.

About 5 minutes later, we headed outside and were both getting ready to leave while continuing to somewhat argue about the issue at hand. Trying not to let things escalate in front of S3. H basically wants me to control my attitude whenever I become irritated, and I agree that I have to work on that.

But I would also like for him to be able to let me be when/if I do get like that. When something's really bothering me, I need space. I need a little time to myself to deal with and get over it. I've always been that way, and H knows it, but he's always been the type that has to fix the problem NOW, not later. With H, it's "let's fix it and be done with it right now. Resolve it NOW," whereas I need time, and not even a lot of it, to sort through my thoughts. Why, after all these years, can he not understand this? His response is always, "So bite my tongue? You're telling me that I basically have to shut up about it." Ugh, is the snippyness really necessary?!! I'm not sure which is worse - the sarcasm or his inability to understand and empathize.

Before we both left, he again said I needed to control it. I thought as carefully as I could and said, "What I need is to stop being told what I need to do. When I get this way, what I need is understanding. I need for someone to stop and say, 'Ok, (GF)'s upset. She's irritable. She needs to be left alone for awhile. She needs time, so let me give her that.' What I don't need are reactions and sarcasm. It does not help me. And I don't need for someone to point out that I'm wrong. I know I am, but pointing it out and making me feel even worse doesn't help either."

H was looking off somewhere and just said alright then, then left.

He called my cell about 15 minutes later and said he was sorry that we argued and wanted to thank me for gathering the tax documents. I said no problem and apologized to him as well. I do try hard to control my annoyances; it just takes me a little more time and effort than most people, I suppose.

We talked a couple more times after that phone call, and each convo was really good. He got an idea of what our taxes would be and he was happy with that. We also joked with each other and flirted a bit. Good stuff.

H stopped by the house again at around 4pm. He wanted to say hi to the boys and to me before going to work. He gave the kids hugs, and when they left to another room, H said, "Well do I get a hug from you or what?" I said sure. I walked toward him and he quickly grabbed and pulled me close to him. He said, "C'mon. You don't hug me enough. I need love and affection, dammit. Lots of it!" I laughed a little and said, "Ok, I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to walk up to you and give you a hug, but I'm not sure if you want it." He said of course he does. We stood in the entry continuing to hug for a few more minutes, did some touching , and he kissed me a couple times. Then he went to say goodbye to the kids and gave me another hug and kiss before leaving and saying ILY.

[Snow White]

It all sounds positive to me. So you snapped at him, you didn't call him names or bring up past events, you cannot live the rest of your life on eggshells, you snapped, so did he, you both said sorry, how could it be better! The rest of the interaction sounds awesome and I think being able to get through little situations like that without thinking "this just isn't going to work" is great too.

[karen43]

I think it's also great that you realized when you took out the anger at your mom on H plus apologized for it. I know my H does that often, takes anger out on me without realizing he is doing it, never even realizing it, and then never apologizes either. So that is really good. Plus you both communicated well about it, another thing in our R that we didn't (don't) tend to do!!! So I do think that is another good thing!!! Karen

[GoingForward]

Neecy and Karen, thank you!

I'm glad, too, that I'm aware of this behavior of mine, and so is H. He's said to me before, "Sometimes I wonder if you even know what you're doing. If you do, then good. If you don't, we're not going to make it."

What can I do? I have a bit of my mother in me. That's not a cop-out either; just something I understand that I have to work on.

[GoingForward]

So H stayed over last night. It was kind of awkward having him here, but overall it was alright.

When I left to drop off S12 at his martial arts class, I decided to give H a call just to say hi and see what he was up to. He said not much, he was just watching some TV. So I said, "Well if you'd like to come and hang out with us, you can. I'm dropping off S12, and I'll be home in about 5 minutes. I'm going to bbq some steaks for dinner tonight. You're more than welcome to join us." H said that sounded good and he would be over in a little while.

I got home, cleaned up toys and other stuff, prepped dinner, then started the grill. At that point, I realized it was getting close to having to go get S12 from class, so I called H again and asked if he wouldn't mind picking him up. He said no prob.

By the time they got here, dinner was ready, and we all enjoyed it together. S12's participating in a "Family Life" course this week, so that made for interesting dinner conversation ! Geez, I am so not ready to think about my boys, the birds and the bees..... They're growing too fast for me! H was really into it though. He told S12 and S8 to never feel like they can't come to either one of us and talk. I agreed (although I hope they go to H first! )

After dinner, they all thanked me for it. Then H and the boys goofed around with each other while I cleaned the kitchen.

Around 8:30pm, the boys took their showers and got ready for bed. H asked them, "Hey, guys, is it ok if I stay over tonight?" All 3 shouted yes! They gave us hugs and kisses goodnight, then I put them to bed, except for S3. He wasn't ready yet, so he stayed up with H and me while we watched some TV together.

We didn't talk much. Actually, I didn't talk much; I mostly listened. H was yammering away about sports, what was on TV, and some guy at work who's teaching him about stock trading (this guy's been doing it for years and has done extremely well).

Then after awhile, I noticed H was really quiet, so I looked over at him. He had passed out! Poor guy. He had come off graveyard shift yesterday morning, and he said he was only able to get an hour of sleep all day.

I woke him up to see if he wanted to lay in the bed, but he said not yet, and he didn't want to go to bed by himself anyway. Then he fell right back asleep. I think I was finally ready for bed around 11pm, so I woke him up again and said let's go to bed. S3 was still awake and demanded to sleep in-between us. I noticed that S3 was behaving like my little shadow all evening. Having H around at night is very strange and new to him. Hopefully it will get easier for him to understand what's going on.

A very uncomfortable night of sleep for all three of us (H, me, and S3). I have a king-size bed, but H is a big guy. Not fat, just big and tall. I could see that H still likes to spread out over half of the bed, and last night, S3 not only was stuck to me like glue, he kept pushing me towards the edge. I think I only had about 1/4 of the bed, if that!

I woke H up again at 5am this morning for work. After he cleaned up, he stood by my bedside and said thanks for letting him stay overnight. He also said, "He needs to be in his own bed."

I agree, so I think after work this evening, I'm going to stop by my parents' house and at least pick up S3's bed for now. I think H will appreciate that, and even more so if he comes over after work tonight like he said he probably would.

No expectations.

BTW - H called earlier this morning to wish me a happy b-day. He said if he didn't have to work a double shift today, and if I didn't have to work tonight either, he would've liked to been able to take me out this evening. I thanked him but told him not to worry about it. He said he knew, but he still wants to do something or get something nice for me. He mentioned something about Sunday being a possibility if we can get a sitter for the evening.

[BobbiJo]

Wow! All of that sounds good to me! And to be honest, I indentify a little w/your H. My H is the one who gets angry and takes it out on me. Then he needs time and space to work on his feelings. I am the one who will "chase him down" during an argument b/c I want to fix it "right NOW!" as you said! So I get how he feels in those times. It is interesting to hear how YOU feel (just leave me alone for a little bit while I figure it out) b/c H never really explains his side to me. The only suggestion I have is to SAY to H "I am having a rough time right now (or something like that)--can you give me some space?" If H did that INSTEAD of biting my head off I would be more willing to be patient...Or, once you do go off on him and realize it was a mistake, before you take time to ponder the sitch, apologize, something like "I know I shouldn't have been rude to you, sorry, I just have other things on my mind and need to handle them right now".

Not to tell you what to do. It is just that for H and I to stay together, we need the same thing you do, in opposite order. I need to be patient and give H space when he is in a mood. But I also need him to TELL me when he needs space rather than show me with negative attitude, and/or to apologize "right now :)" when he realizes he is being nasty to me....Hope that made sense.

But otherwise, how great was the rest of your post! I want my H to tell me he wants/needs to hold me!!! That so sounds like me, too--I need affection dang it!! So lucky you getting hugs and kisses like that....

And my S5 will STILL sleep in our bed any time we let him get away with it......

[Snow White]

Oh my gosh I just realized at the end of your post it said it was your birthday yeaterday. Happy Birthday!!!!

[GoingForward]

Thanks for the HB, Neecy!

....Or, once you do go off on him and realize it was a mistake, before you take time to ponder the sitch, apologize, something like "I know I shouldn't have been rude to you, sorry, I just have other things on my mind and need to handle them right now".

I agree with you 100%, BobbiJo, and in fact, I have done this many, many times. However, more often than not, H will continue to want to talk about it. Most of the time when something's bugging me, I don't really want to discuss it, and I tell him that. H just can't seem to understand this and will press the issue to deal with it immediately because that's what he wants. Then it usually snowballs into a full-fledged argument until one of us, if not both, apologizes after some time passes.

This has improved as well. Before when we were still living together, an apology wouldn't come for a long time. Anywhere from a few hours to a whole day! But over these past several months, the sorries seem to be coming within 10 - 15 minutes from the time of the argument. It's really been better!

Not to tell you what to do.

Yeah, as stated, I definitely don't need that!

I'm kidding! I appreciate very much any and all advice and/or suggestions anyone is willing to offer.

BTW, I did pick up S3's bed last night, and I put him in it after he fell asleep on the couch. But as expected, he crawled into bed with H and me around 2am this morning!