H is having affair after all

[Evie]

Just heard from the Headmasters PA that OW has appointment with him at 12.00 today. i'm on sick leave today, but I am so tempted to go into work, she will have to pass my office to get to the Headmaster's study. I tell you right now the temptation to go into work shut the door (no witness's)in the corridor and smack her one and say she fell down the stairs......hold me back.....

[limbo]

(((Eve)))

Don't take any of the blame for this! He is splitting hairs! and now he is going to find anything he can to make you the guilty party in this, and how you are is to blame!
My H also told me I was boring in bed! and it was total BS! They will swing for anything to make themselves feel better!
I know you were venting, but don't lessen yourself! Don't go after her, its just not worth it!
There was so many times I just wanted to smack the OW in the mouth, but I just stayed away!! To this day I am not sure if I ever saw her face to face I wouldn't!
But you are really doing yourself proud! Stay strong!

[kml]

My H also told me I was boring in bed! and it was total BS!

Limbo - I always tell my children "Only boring people are bored"!!!
LOL!!!!!!

Ellie

[limbo]

You are so right!!!!! I think I am pretty damn good!!!!

[limbo]

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing today?
((((eve))))

[alwayshoping]

Eve....

Checking on you too! I'm in the middle of my H having an affair too! It started only 2 months ago and after 3 weeks I couldn't hide that I knew it....I called him on it right away. His response was..."are you really surprised" I don't even know what I said...because yes I was. We had serious problems and I had been emotionally withdrawn from him for months and even was staying out of the house at a friends (no affair on my end..I was just lost in the fact that I had no feelings and it took me five months to find my way back)

So I guess he thought I shouldnt be surprised because of that i guess. Almost like he had a right to be with someone else. Um NO we are still married.

So I feel your pain and I am here for you to vent and ask advise. You are not alone my dear! And you will get through this with all our help.

[Evie]

Thank you all so much for your words of support and comfort it means so much to me to log on and find lots of positive reponses from old friends and new ones.

A lot has gone down today and i'm emotionally drained. You know that feeling when your sick of talking?

Came to light that OW's in laws have had her and H followed and H has had her in the house overnight last Aug and Sept while i was away. Either 1 or both of the boys would have been in the house at the time. I felt physically sick and very capable of murder. What kind of person shags her lover in his home surrounded by photos of his kids and his wifes possesions? He denies he shagged her in the house and she came once for paperwork and another time with a friend for a curry. I told him if he had nothing to hide he would have told me and besides, given his record for lies and deceit i'm not sure i believe a word he has said. I told him that they have both been followed for months and that our house had been watched...

I said he had embrassed colleagues with his beviour and they had picked up on the vibes and were placed in a difficult postion. He said that ow's in laws were saying things that were untrue and they were out to get him. I said they deserve everything they get and hope they get hung, drawn and quartered, he is lucky to have his job, the school solicitors are involved and the executive committee. He said he would resign before he was pushed and we needed to talk finances but i told him to stop running and face the consequences, the kids and i were not about to lose our home because of his seedy affair. I said from a professional point of view it would be better if he severed all tyes with her on the work front and never appeared on the poolside alonside her again.

Major backslides, but I have nothing left to lose, right now I wouldn't take him back, not that he is coming back. I said I was tired of his continous lies and deceit and it was time for honest talking, but would i believe it and does it matter now anyway?. I feel like he is a stranger to me, I didn't know he was so capable of this.

I thought about the comment KML made about only bored people are boring, and his comment about the bedroom not bein fun, well it takes two, he has been a boring arse, a lazy father until recently, and not an attentive husband either.

He keeps throwing up the old resentment issue about my daughets, i said i felt sad for him that he can't change the record from been on replay all the time and that he is in a place he cant put it al behind him and move on. I reiterated again, that he took us on wilingly, he spent the thousands on holidays willingly and that he was just trying to justify his affair.

Lots of other stuff was said but this is the geist.

I also said he seems to be in teh habit of picking up married women, i pointed out he was moaning about resentments in our M and my d's and yet he was about to take on another mans 2 boys....

I just don't understand why he didn't make a clean break last may? there has been a 3rd person all along, i trusted im when he said there wasn't even though my gut was telling me there was. We went on holiday to greece in july to try and make a go of it. He said i was buring my head in the sand during July and August when trying to 'act as if'. Then he says he's leaving again in August, but doesn't till I reach the point in Oct that I cant live with the stress anymore and ask him to leave. I set a boundary when i knew OW had left her H and said, lets not see other people at this time b/c i would find it hard to cope with, he denied again OW. Things improve, we have loads on connection, i felt we were really building bridges, lots of text commuinication over xmas about how traumatised and emotional he was, how it was his worst xmas and new year. He spent loads of money on my xmas and b'day presents. Then we go skiing in Feb, he takes me to wedding reception.

All the time he was having an affair, why all the lies and deception? he said to my friend on wednesday that he was just trying to maintain a friendship, my friend pointed out to him that his behaviour has been misleading and given me a sense of false hope. He said 'but she kicked me out'. My friend said i had no alternative as he had placed me in a position that forced me to make the decision for him.

is he in or out? was he keping his options open incase it didnt work with OW?

Sorry it's so long, i'm partly journaling and partly venting and partly throwing out questions.

I've been kicked own twice now by him. I hope its been worth it.

x eve

[Evie]

Calmed down a lot today. Txted H to see if he wanted the boys this morning as i had stopped them from seeing h.

H was working, but warned me if i was taking the boys swimming the OW was working for the gym teaching swimming and would be in the pool.

I wanted to be able to walk onto the poolside and look at her and know he had finished it with her and not feel she was laughing at me. I asked him if it was true they were over. He said they were.

I said if it was true that her in laws were saying untrue things about them, then it was time for him to talk to me honestly, before i heard anymore lies. We haven't agreed a time to meet up as he had made plans to speak with his dad tonight.

I also said to H that for him to have had sex with someone he must be emotionally involved, i asked him how he felt about her and if he loved her? His reply was that he didn't know how he felt, or what he wanted, they were friends but he had no intention of going back to her.

Before i got into the pool i bumped into a friend who we also employ as an instructor. She said that ow was in the pool and had told her she wouldn't be working for us anymore b/c of what had happened. I asked my friend if she knew about the affair, but she said she didn't.

Now i'm getting texts off H saying he had just had a heated discussion with ow as a result of the conversation i had had with her. He said i may as well put an advert in the paper. I said i had not spoken to ow, not even looked at her, that i was above her and played with my boys, i explained i had bumped into a friend/emloyee but that ow had told her not me, but that i had asked her if she had known as others already knew and it was rumoured at work.

I feel guilty now that i have told people at work. But it seemed so many people knew already that i wanted to dispel any further gossip. And i must admit i wanted to destroy their reputations, but i was so angry, enraged.

I said to H that he needs to get things into perspective, if ow is angry/upset he needs to mutiply that be infinity and he would know how devastated and angry i am. I said she was maybe bitter b/c he had ended it, i wasn't going to argue over her, i was above that, she needed to accept the consequences, accept defeat and give in gracefully. I emphasised that they had crossed the line by bringing the affair into the house while my kids were here. I said it was now a private matter between him and i.

I've not heard anymore. I know i can hold my head up high but maybe i could have handled it better? Ok i've told my friends, but women do that, i have to talk, i cope by talking.

we'll see what happens later, i'd be happier if he didn't contac me further, i just want things to subside and die down and get back to normality, well as normal as you can be givin the circumstances.

Not good DB, but i had to say the things i felt b/c if i didnt i would be resentful.

X Eve

[Jen_Jam]

No Eve, under the circumstance I think you've been fine. I can imagine you have not been shouting or screming, despite wanting to.

To my eyes it looks as if you have stated your boundaries well and not risen to H's bait (he feels bad, guilty and may be trying to project some of that onto you without even realising it)

I think the fact you stated it was time for him to talk to you honestly before you hear anymore from OW's in-laws is a good step. you have offered to him that you will not listen to gossip, you are willing to listen to him but it must be the truth. if he's going to be sensible he'll take that option.

Keep your elegant chin up, you have nothing to be ashamed of here.

[Evie]

update:

H txt me asking me not to mention it to a particular colleague tomorrow. I asked H to tell me when it started. He said it was late summer and o/w was not the reason he left me...ouch