Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

I'm trying to think about what started H coming back... It's tough to say, but I think it was partly b/c he had to go through it, and partly b/c when I found out again that OW was still around, I FINALLY told him I was done. By this point, I figure he was nearly 3 yrs into MLC, and nearly 2 yrs in his A. I went dark, not intending it as a "technique", but because I WAS done, stopped answering his calls, texts, stopped calling him. The only contact we had for a few weeks was only regarding parenting. I'd like to think he realized that he was losing everything, me being the final straw (he'd already lost his job, had no money, lost his best friend), that he hit rock bottom, but I don't know for sure. I read about an awakening they have in MLC, after replay but before withdrawl. I don't know for sure if that was it, but it could have been. Then he was depressed for a long time, coming out every once in awhile. As you've noticed, H has been coming out more and more, for longer, and reaching out to me more.

Maybe I've been "fooled" too many times into believing him, but even my H's recent behaviour isn't convincing me that he's out of the tunnel, but maybe he can see the light and he's starting to head towards it. Yesterday he really surprised me. On his way back from CA, H called me b/w flights, then when he landed, then he came to D's dance class and asked me to meet him outside. He gave me a big hug & kiss & told me about his trip. After D's class, we went out for a snack, then went to the house to put D to bed. D asked when he was leaving and he told her he was taking her to school in the am. She said, "You're sleeping over?", and he said yes. So he put D to bed then we watched the news and went to bed. This morning I got up to go to work, then D & H got up & H made breakfast for the two of them and then handed me a little toasted breakfast sandwich on my way out the door & smiled. I'm starting to recognize the wonderful person I married, but I'm scared to get my hopes up, so I keep talking myself down. I've been bitten too many times, but somehow there is still that optimism that one day, eventually, everything will be okay again.

I have been at this a long time, but I wasn't exactly doing a very good job of it for most of that time. I think the turning point for me, finally, was reading the six stages of MLC by Heartsblessing in Jan/08, because all along I had been blaming myself and it was eating me up inside. Reading about MLC allowed me to let myself off the hook and finally understand how and why I needed to detach. I'd been trying to GAL, thinking that in so doing I was detaching, and I made sure H was aware of what I was doing, hoping to lure/win him back, but I know now that in my heart I had not detached at all. Understanding MLC made me see things I couldn't see before, how little what I did made a difference to his MLC. How what was going on w/ my H would take whatever time it needed to take, and nothing I did could speed that up. It makes me a little sad to think that's the only was to do this, to pull away and stop caring so much.

Your W is probably where my H was 8 mos ago, though the A sure did complicate things. Do you still think your W wants to date her coworker or have you been able to detach to where you are no longer trying to figure that out? That was also my ticket to maintaining my sanity - I needed to stop snooping and trying to figure out what my H was doing when he wasn't w/ me, or if OW was still kicking around. Had to decide what I was going to do regardless of what I knew for sure.

You will likely not go through MLC, nor will I, since we have been reexamining our own lives during the time our S's have been in MLC. We are doing the work, w/out living the crisis - maybe that makes us lucky. We won't have to live with the guilt that comes from the damage they have caused. But I sure know myself better than I did at the start of this, I feel stronger emotionally, physically, I am less dependent, I am more confident, and I know that I can make it on my own if I have to. That's alot to have gained. If I get my H back, my family, my dream, it will be great. If I don't, I know I can make a new life that will also be great, just different.

The most important lesson I have learned is that I am responsible for my own happiness and my own destiny, and the only thing I can control is me.

FA