Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

H was unemployed since June/07 - 9 mos. Yes it has been very hard on him; he has always regarded himself as an achiever, expected so much from himself, his father was the same. For the first 4 most he pretended he was doing consulting for someone, but I discovered from OW that was a lie. His depression must have been really revving up at that time. In Oct/07 when I discovered he was still seeing OW & found out what had been going on, the spending & the debt w/ no money coming in, I was astounded that OW let him get to that point. It makes me truly see how selfish she was. She knew what was happening; I did not. I guess this is another reason why I don't really believe she is still around - if there is no money (I told her about his huge debt) then the party is basically over for her. What's she going to do, pay off his debts, & they'll live happily ever after, with him still in love w/ me & wanting to spend time w/ D & I?

But I don't spend much time thinking about OW b/c I can't do anything about it if she is still in the picture. Instead I focus on what I can do something about - taking care of myself & D, being as happy as I can be, taking care of myself, looking good, feeling good, having fun w/ friends & D, and showing all of this to H whenever he sees me. No acting sad, no telling him how much I miss him, how empty life is w/out him, no trying to make him feel guilty for leaving, not even telling him how much D hurts over our sitch. Life is good, I'm fine, see you when I see you. "Acting as if" was very, very difficult for me at first - it was quite simply a lie. But the more I tried, the easier it got. I still have days when I am challenged by it, but on those days I bite my tongue and say nothing. Better to have him wondering what I'm not telling him, than telling him something that will make me look pathetic, or making him feel guilty and pressured.

Now that H has a job which he will be starting in a week, I expect that he will start to feel better about himself. I don't know how that will be reflected back towards me and our M - hopefully there will be something positive, though I'm not expecting miracles. H said he wants to feel that he has something of value to offer me and D. I know that as long as he was unemployed he would continue to be depressed. I could see glimpses of him feeling better about himself from the volunteering he was doing, but that could not make up for being unemployed. Probably the reason H has not spoken to his parents in 2 mos is due to his shame. Since he is starting to reconnect w/ me, I'm hoping he will reach out to his parents again - they are desperate for him to contact them, but I asked them to give him some more time. He has alot of work repairing the damage he has done to his R w/ his parents & siblings.

Maybe he is reconnecting w/ me first because he can see that I am not still beating him up over what he did to & to our family. I've moved on & am focussed on other things than the pain he has cause me. I will continue to move on w/ my life. If he wants to be a part of that, it's up to him to show me. That's pretty much where I have arrived at this point in my journey. Talking about some of the good times in the form of a funny story to D, hopefully did not appear to be an obvious attempt to make him remember that what we had was a good M once. The fact that he joined in and told his own stories was very encouraging. I didn't push it w/ more stories; instead I just left it at that. This is one lesson I have learned from DBing - less is more. Being subtle can have a much more positive effect than being obvious or forceful or demanding. A tiny pebble can cause ripples that go on and on.

How do you tell someone you forgive them? You can tell them with words, but in order for them to believe it they need to see it in your eyes when you look at them, feel it in your body when they hold you, hear it in your voice when you talk to them. I have forgiven my H, but I still wonder sometimes. Forgiveness is one thing, trust is another. You can't reestablish trust w/out forgiveness, but it doesn't come right away. The passage of time is one thing that is essential in that process, and is the most difficult. We are so anxious to have what we want NOW.

You said you fear you'll be D before you reconcile. What stage are you in the D process? I recall that she filed pretty much as soon as they wheeled you out of the OR & that you had a court date for something (eek, I can't remember). What has happened since then? Is she actively pursuing the D or has she backed off a bit? Does she discuss any details w/ you about finances or dividing assets or anything to do w/ D? Maybe if things move along slowly but continue in a positive direction, your W will no longer feel rushed to D and there may be hope to stop it before it goes through. I've read so many posts about LBS's who stall, while still DBing, and end up saving their M's before the D goes through.

Ah yes, that's me, the eternal optimist. But then, you'd have to be to be doing what we're doing. Don't give up hope. Keep doing what you're doing, planting those little seeds of doubt in her mind, serving her little morsels of love for her to nibble on, just big enough for her to get a taste of what she is missing & what could be served at someone else's table if she's not careful.

FA

[micoms]

fa,

Wow 9 months without income, that had to have an effect on his psyche. You're probably right about OW, hen she saw the gravy train wasn't what it was supposed to be she bailed. H believes that without a job he had nothing of value to offer you and D, I don't know about you but all I need from my W is her love and support, I don't care what she brings to the table financially. I could be just as happy in a three room house with her as in a huge house. Maybe though i might feel the same way as H if I wasn't bring home the bacon.

I thought that H bringing up some of the good times was a positive, so many times while their in MLC they only bring up the bad times. Maybe with this new job he will finally step out of the tunnel to stay.

We had a hearing in Jan, one day after I went back to work. The magistrate continued it until March 31. It was for spousal support and property division. We are supposed to meet with our attys on the 13th to come up with a division of our stuff. She doesn't talk about the D, I've tried to get her to meet with me and see what she wants from the house. I had planned to keep the house but now I think I will sell it and split the equity with her. S26 is moving into a house his friend just bought and it will only be D19 and me. The house needs some work, new carpet in family, living, dining, and master bedroom, New kitchen floor. I think her atty wants her to get half of what it would be worth if it was all fixed up, not discounting what I will have to spend to fix it up.

I'll just keep up keeping her in the gray area about what I do and with who. Keep planting a seed of doubt if I'll be around if and when she decides to reconnect. Will stop by D's house this weekend on way to meet a friend. Our best friends S is getting married in April, I was thinking about asking her to be my date for it. Got an invitation for me and a guest.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

Yeah 9 mos w/ no income and for 4 mos of that he was spending like he did when he was employed - burned through all his severance, RRSP & stock cash-outs. Talk about replay! He took OW out for dinners, bought her presents, went to SF w/ her. Of course I had no clue that he was spending like that. He was giving me child support until his money ran out, but that was about 4 mos ago. It's been pretty scary financially since then and I've racked up some debt trying to keep up w/ mortgage payments. I can tell you that H getting this job is about more than just his self esteem - it's about our survival. Otherwise the house would have to be sold.

But you know what's really strange? I really wasn't ever truly afraid. I've been realistic, but I knew in my heart that H would get a good job, and he would do it soon. FIL kept telling H that he should consider lowering his sights and taking a job that was lower than he was qualified for. H refused to do that - he kept on pursuing the jobs he knew would pay him at least what he was making before. It was tough b/c he interviewed for three different jobs he thought he would get easily. He was feeling very discouraged, but he didn't give up.

I wonder if it helped any that I didn't nag him about money (I mean what would that have accomplished - a real 180 for me too). Nor did I push him to work on our M (I realized that would have been pointless too). I was hoping that his withdrawal was about him focusing on getting a job, and being depressed that. Despite what I said earlier, I am hoping to see some changes in him w/ working and having an income and being able to support his family again. Will that make him come home right away? I doubt it. But it might make him more relaxed and feel like he has something to offer me. I just have to force myself to continue to be patient, that him getting a job is not a magic bullet to fix our M, that we still have a long way to go, and a rocky road ahead. This is just one of those big baby steps along the way.

Selling my home would make me sad, and my heart goes out to you. On the other hand, sometimes getting rid of all of the old baggage frees us up to truly start fresh. It's a wonder your W hasn't talked at all about what she wants from the house. Makes me wonder...

There you are, on one side of this coin, close to divorce but maybe not. And here I am on the other side, close to reconciliation but maybe not. Ugh!! And we are both doing the same things - GALing, planting seeds of doubt, trying to take care of ourselves and our kids, making sure we are creating a life that will make us happy, strong, independent. Watching our S's but trying not to let that determine what we do. It sure is a balancing act. I think I need to get out and blow off some steam this week w/ some friends.

Oh and today was the first day I was able to run my 3.5 miles at close to full speed (85%) without my knee hurting! It was on the treadmill, but still...

FA

[micoms]

FA,

Wow, 9 months without work, I was going stir crazy the last month after surgery. I can only watch Jerry so many times before I go crazy, LOL. What does he do? I think it definitely helped , you not nagging about not working or no support money. If you had I think you would have driven H farther away, wouldn't be at this point where it looks like he wants to come back.

When I talked to Jodie, she asked what would happen if W wanted to recommit. I said she wouldn't move in right away, that I would want to date for 2 or 3 months. She said that is what she would recommend. Have you given that some thought? H has said he wants to be a family again and wonders what hoops he will have to jump through, it sounds like he's close to reconciling. Maybe look at some posts in piecing to get ideas on how to proceed.

What was wrong with your knee that you couldn't run? One thing my W said was she had no interests or hobbies, she said it would be fun to run a marathon. She's not very athletic. I told her I don't know of too many people who would call it fun, an accomplishment, yes. I said I would train with her and do a 5k race. My cousin used to go out west and run in 100 mile races, what a glutton for punishment! I think with my rehab I'm in tne best shape for reffing to start the season than I have ever been. They yell at me in rehab say I'm working too hard. I get there early and try to get at least 10 miles on the bikes. Only have two more visits left, I need to call Ins. co to see if they will cover more or maybe a gym membership or stationary bike.

I'm going to see if my best friend will want to toss a few back this weekend also. Don't get too wild and crazy!!

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

Yeah, but you weren't in the middle of MLC. I think my H did alot of staring off into space, napping and watching Judge Judy during that time. He was pretty depressed. I like to believe that my DBing helped keep him from withdrawing as much as he could have.

I'm guessing Jodi is your DB coach. Yes I have thought alot about what hoops H would have to jump through, and it occurred to me that he was probably referring to another list I had written in my journal, a couple of entries before the pro/con list. It was from a suggestion by another poster, who had made a list of the signs that he would need to see in order to feel that he was getting closer to his goal of his W moving back home. He said write down the goal, then work backwards through all the steps/signs that would lead to H moving home.

So I think my H MUST have seen that list too, but probably didn't understand exactly what it was. I'm not ready to talk about it w/ him yet, but I've definitely thought alot about what kinds of things would happen before H moved home (spending more time hanging out at the house, staying over more often, leaving a few things behind, etc., etc.). It was an interesting list to make, since it made me realize that H moving back home is not simply a matter of him showing up one day w/ all his stuff the way he left. It's been a year and he has his own home now. It is a bit discouraging, which is why I'm not getting all worked up about anything changing quickly. But your suggestion to look at some posts in "Piecing" sounds like a good idea. Thanks.

My knee, or I should say a tendon at the back of my thigh just above my knee, was injured so stupidly when I slipped on some frost in a pair of slingbacks in December. I landed right on my a$$ and it hasn't felt good since. But yesterday it felt better, so I'm encouraged.

No way I could run a marathon anytime soon. I just can't see me beating myself up for that amount of time. Maybe a half, but I think someone would have to double dog dare me to do it, and even then... Of course if I thought my H would be incredibly impressed, that would be different. LOL! 100 miles!! I'd have to be on crack to do something like that.

But exercise for me is a way to modulate my emotions. When I'm not able to work out, I can feel it build up inside of me and it's not a good thing. I burn off that nervous energy and sweat out the toxins, and the end result is that I feel better and have more energy, and I look better. In fact I think that I too am in the best shape I've ever been. At first I lost alot of weight fast, and I looked thin and sickly. But now that I've built up some muscle, I look strong. It's a great feeling and really helps my PMA.

I'll try not to go wild and crazy (I actually can't do that anymore - it's too hard on my body and brain), but I think letting my hair down a bit might be good therapy. It's been a looooong time.

BTW, H sent me a text and then later called me from CA today when he landed. I can't remember the last time he did that while on a business trip. He also told me which hotel he was staying at tonight. Again, it's been a very long time. A couple more baby steps! I let D leave him a good night message, but I will wait to see if he calls tonight. If not, I'll send him a little goodnight text. I think it may be time to reach out a bit more to him, but very, very subtly and in a non-demanding way. He complained last week that he is always the one to call and often can't get ahold of me. But if he misses one of my rare calls, he feels terrible and wonders when I will call again. That to me is a clear indication that he would like me to call him more often, though I will not go completely in the opposite direction and call him all the time - I'll just call him a bit more often, maybe once a day or two, instead of once every few days.

FA

[micoms]

FA,

You're right I wasn't in MLC, guess their minds wonder. In my W's case she sleeps profusely. I wonder if my W would stand if I went through MLC.

Yes Jodi is my coach, she gave me some good insights as to what to do and act. Kind of supported what I was already doing and added to them. And explained how it would work.

When you fell was it your knee that hasn't felt good or your a$$, LOL. Got to watch out for those falls, about three years ago I was walking down the steps carrying my tool kit, about 30lbs, at a hospital I used to take care of their elevators. Stumbled down the last three steps and tore the meniscus, I was off work then for three months also.

I understand about the exercise, after rehab I feel great, the endorphines are kicked in. Usually the next day is a downer, can't wait til it warms up so the dog and I can go running at a park. After all this rehab I think I'll wear her down.

H calling you is indeed a good sign, giving you more info than is needed is also good. I agree you need to call him every now and then, pursue just a little, then back off a little. Keep drawing him nearer to you. I wish my W and i were as far along as you, but then you've been at it longer. Can you look back and see one thing that got H started coming back, or was it he just had to go through it.

How is your dog doing, a regular member of the family now? Mine has food allergies, have to feed her special food, 100% duck and potato. It sets up in her ears, another poster gave me a formula for cleaning her ears that works better than the stuff the vet sells, and cheaper too.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

I'm trying to think about what started H coming back... It's tough to say, but I think it was partly b/c he had to go through it, and partly b/c when I found out again that OW was still around, I FINALLY told him I was done. By this point, I figure he was nearly 3 yrs into MLC, and nearly 2 yrs in his A. I went dark, not intending it as a "technique", but because I WAS done, stopped answering his calls, texts, stopped calling him. The only contact we had for a few weeks was only regarding parenting. I'd like to think he realized that he was losing everything, me being the final straw (he'd already lost his job, had no money, lost his best friend), that he hit rock bottom, but I don't know for sure. I read about an awakening they have in MLC, after replay but before withdrawl. I don't know for sure if that was it, but it could have been. Then he was depressed for a long time, coming out every once in awhile. As you've noticed, H has been coming out more and more, for longer, and reaching out to me more.

Maybe I've been "fooled" too many times into believing him, but even my H's recent behaviour isn't convincing me that he's out of the tunnel, but maybe he can see the light and he's starting to head towards it. Yesterday he really surprised me. On his way back from CA, H called me b/w flights, then when he landed, then he came to D's dance class and asked me to meet him outside. He gave me a big hug & kiss & told me about his trip. After D's class, we went out for a snack, then went to the house to put D to bed. D asked when he was leaving and he told her he was taking her to school in the am. She said, "You're sleeping over?", and he said yes. So he put D to bed then we watched the news and went to bed. This morning I got up to go to work, then D & H got up & H made breakfast for the two of them and then handed me a little toasted breakfast sandwich on my way out the door & smiled. I'm starting to recognize the wonderful person I married, but I'm scared to get my hopes up, so I keep talking myself down. I've been bitten too many times, but somehow there is still that optimism that one day, eventually, everything will be okay again.

I have been at this a long time, but I wasn't exactly doing a very good job of it for most of that time. I think the turning point for me, finally, was reading the six stages of MLC by Heartsblessing in Jan/08, because all along I had been blaming myself and it was eating me up inside. Reading about MLC allowed me to let myself off the hook and finally understand how and why I needed to detach. I'd been trying to GAL, thinking that in so doing I was detaching, and I made sure H was aware of what I was doing, hoping to lure/win him back, but I know now that in my heart I had not detached at all. Understanding MLC made me see things I couldn't see before, how little what I did made a difference to his MLC. How what was going on w/ my H would take whatever time it needed to take, and nothing I did could speed that up. It makes me a little sad to think that's the only was to do this, to pull away and stop caring so much.

Your W is probably where my H was 8 mos ago, though the A sure did complicate things. Do you still think your W wants to date her coworker or have you been able to detach to where you are no longer trying to figure that out? That was also my ticket to maintaining my sanity - I needed to stop snooping and trying to figure out what my H was doing when he wasn't w/ me, or if OW was still kicking around. Had to decide what I was going to do regardless of what I knew for sure.

You will likely not go through MLC, nor will I, since we have been reexamining our own lives during the time our S's have been in MLC. We are doing the work, w/out living the crisis - maybe that makes us lucky. We won't have to live with the guilt that comes from the damage they have caused. But I sure know myself better than I did at the start of this, I feel stronger emotionally, physically, I am less dependent, I am more confident, and I know that I can make it on my own if I have to. That's alot to have gained. If I get my H back, my family, my dream, it will be great. If I don't, I know I can make a new life that will also be great, just different.

The most important lesson I have learned is that I am responsible for my own happiness and my own destiny, and the only thing I can control is me.

FA

[micoms]

FA,

H initiating contact is very good. And a hug and a kiss when he returned, awesome. And wanting to spend the night, indescribable, although he should have asked you before telling D. So much movement on his part. No longer seems like baby steps. I think you have reasons to be reserved about recent developments due to past behavior. Time to let H pursue you for a while.

I read that post by hearts blessing sometime ago. I was pretty sure W was in MLC, she said she thought she was in MC. I looked up a lot of things on MLC.I kind of knew she had to get through this on her own, nothing I could do to make it happen faster. As far as her wanting to date her co-worker (I think she had at least an EA with him already, most possibly a PA too), I realised it was a symptom of a MLC. something most of them go through. She had said in MC that she looks at her life now and thinks about what could have been. If we stopped at two kids and she stayed working as a secretary would she be an office manager or something better than working for $10 an hour. I told her that I would pick up extra calls and she could go take classes to get caught up, computers have taken over the typewriters from when she last worked. I tried to explain that I too had things I could look back on, a couple of business opportunities that I was offered a partnership in to get started. One is doing quite well, middle six figures, the other did well also but recently passed away, the business would be mine now

Family and her friends say to forget her, move on. My aunt/sister said that also. I told her what I'd learned about MLC and felt that walking away would be like leaving if she had some other mental disorder, I know it's not a mental disease but is a mental thing. How would you look at me if she was bipolar and I forgot her? She said that she understood and admired me for my stance.

I no longer think or worry over OM, Ithink he wants to be a friend, she wants it to be more. He is married and I've been told he will not leave his W, so my W would be just a play thing.

I also feel better emotionally and physically. I look back and think I too was dependent on my W,never wanting to do much without her. the only things I did without her was bowl and referee soccer the last few years. She told me numerous times to get out and do something. I stayed at home with her while she slept instead of visiting S27. I want to get back my W , a new R and M with her and our dreams of the future again. You seem right on the edge of the last hill on the roller coaster ride, there will be more challenges I'm sure but I wish we were as far as you are. Well this is getting long, S26 wants to go to a Chinese buffet for dinner.

Mike

[micoms]

FA,

Things are good tonight. Making some cream cheese poppers and some frozen margaritas. Kicking back just the dog and me.

S26 is going to move out at the end of the month. His friend bought a house, not in the best section of town, and S will move in with him. He will be taking all his toys too. he has a truck, a 99 Cobra, and a motorcycle. Don't know how well those will do in his neighborhood. It is an 80 yo house, the area isn't the greatest and the neighborhood was built when most people didn't have cars so no off street parking. It is about time he got out on his own, heck I was married and had 2 kids by then.

Talked to W tonight, I called her, she's upset that S is moving. I admit it will be sad to see him leave the nest. When S27 moved out was when Alan Jackson's song Remember When came out, W would cry every time she heard it, I'll admit I got a little misty eyed also.

Talked to my Uncle today. He told me he went through a MLC twice. He said nothing you can do to help them. He said nobody could have said anything to "make him see the light".

Invited W to pizza and games at Chucky Cheese. Of course she said I don't know, my job. Talked to her about a half an hour, I called the conversation to an end, she was friendly and pleasant. She asked why I wasn't going out, told her I didn't make plans because of the snow. We got 12" and a mini blizzard. I got snow drifts on the side of the house 3' deep. Cammie, my dog , loves it.

Finished ceiling in kitchen, now just have to paint it, PIZZA NIGHT COMING SOON!!!Want to clean carpet in living room and dining room first. Next project will be replacing bath tub faucet. One of my changes was to quit putting off household repairs. Next one will be redoing master bath.

Time to go, need to mix another.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

I'm glad to hear you had a nice night in the pleasure of your own company. I haven't sat back and had a glass of wine w/ myself for awhile, but it sounds like a good idea. Neither did I get out this past w/end and go wild - there was no one free to go wild with. I did see H on Fri night - he came over after his game, quite late, and we had a drink and a snack & watched part of a movie. We both fell asleep on the couch, then went to bed and slept (only). It was very comforting, kindof like old times. D wanted to make him breakfast in bed, so we let him sleep, then all 3 of us ate in my big bed. H left after breakfast to run some errands but before that I had asked him if he wanted to have supper w/ us on Sunday. D and I spent the rest of the day together, walked the dog, then went swimming. H left us a vmail msg saying goodnight.

The next day though, I was feeling quite down b/c he didn't call as he said he would and was unreachable all day. This is something that I have a really hard time w/ since it was his pattern whenever he was w/ OW. I'd call or D would call him and there would be no answer, nor would he call back or reply to texts. Whenever I don't get an answer and/or reply for several hours, that old fear creeps back in and it's very difficult not to let myself be anxious and distracted. In fact, though D and I had a nice time going to a local nature park, I was upset by the time we got home. She asked me why I was sad and I'm afraid to admit that I cried in front of her. I just let it out b/c I was feeling overwhelmed, but I know that wasn't fair and it made her sad and a little afraid. But I also want her to feel she can tell me anything and let her feelings out - if I'm always holding back my feelings and never letting her know I am sad, doesn't that make me a hypocrite?

Around suppertime on Sunday D called H and he answered and then talked to me. He asked if we had planned supper and I said I had planned supper the other day when I asked him over for supper on Sunday, but when I didn't hear back from him, I decided not to make that same meal. He asked if he could bring over a frozen pizza for us to have together, so I said yes. So D and I cleaned ourselves up and we both acted very happy when H arrived. We had a fun little supper, then H left again for another game. When he called around midnight, we talked about his game and about his first day of his new job the next day.

Then I did something I was thinking about doing for a few days - I asked him if we were ever going to talk. He said he thought we were. I said I didn't mean about everyday stuff. Then he brought up the "list", this time the list of things I had written down that would show me H was moving closer to coming home. H saw it as a list of "hoops" he would have to jump through for me to let him come back, just as I suspected. I tried my best to calmly explain to him that it was a list of things that would show me we were getting closer, things I was hoping to see, not things he had to do to prove something to me. It was a bit nerve wracking to talk about it, but I think (hope) it cleared the air a bit.

I asked him why he snooped, what he was looking for. He said he had this overwhelming need to find out what I thought about him, and what he found was the list of pros & cons - he mainly remembers the cons. I said that when you read something like that, it is just words without the subjective context in which it was written, so it's not fair to jump to conclusions w/out hearing what I have to say. He apologized for reading it. I asked him why he didn't just ask me what I thought of him. He also talked about his fear that while he is "figuring things out", I may meet someone at a party or a friend of mine may fix me up or arrange for me to meet someone and he'll lose me. I didn't say much there, not wanting to deny that possibility and at the same time not wanting him to feel that it is a current threat. He said that I'm beautiful and great and it wouldn't take long for someone to scoop me up.

Then I asked him what else he had read and he said nothing, just those two things. He said he didn't care about what I wrote about before, that he can't do anything about that, it's over, but he wanted to know how I feel today. So I reminded him that it was written in January.

I asked if we were both working towards the same goal, and he said yes. I asked him if he knew what it is that I want, and he said that I want him to move back home. I'm not sure if he thinks this is the only thing I want and I wanted to ask more of him, but he started to lose his patience and get frustrated. I told him that it feels like we don't get to talk very often like this, so I guess when he does start to talk to me, I get greedy and want more and more of it. He said he would try to talk to me like this once a week. We said goodnight and he said ILY FA and I said ILY2. Then he sent me a text that said "Goodnight my luv! xx", and I sent one back that said "Sweet dreams sweetheart xx".

It all looks so positive, and I'm sure that this whole exchange is enviable to many who read this post. But everything, as they say, is relative, and it seems that no matter where I am at any given moment in this process, I want to be that much further ahead, I feel the weight of the challenges of the stage we are in upon me and I am frustrated by what is not yet great.

This is truly the most difficult thing I have ever chosen to do, for it is a choice to work to save your M, after all, a choice that many don't make. I suppose I belong in piecing rather than Infidelity - I read that even if OP is still in the picture in some way, if you are both working toward reconciliation, it's piecing of a sort.

I'm starting to read some of the Piecing posts for answers to some of my dilemmas, since some of the strategies that worked in one phase would probably be damaging to piecing. But I'm afraid to admit that I don't feel very comfortable with the notion that we are piecing, since it all still feels so shaky. And I don't want to be overly optimistic. Am I still trying to protect myself from being hurt or fooled again? Probably. But "being brave means doing something even though you are afraid" (quote from one of my D's picture books - Franklin goes to the Hospital).

I would think that seeing your S26 taking control of his life and moving in w/ a friend would make your W proud and happy. I so want my D to be a strong, independent person, but being at least 12 years away from that stage, it is easy to be so objective. I suppose this is another reminder to your W that she is getting older, and the last of her chicks is leaving the nest. She seems to want to make time stop, to hold things just where they are. But maybe once she sees her youngest making it on his own, she may see that the future holds so many POSSIBILITIES for all of us, she just has to have an open mind and imagine that good things will happen. Ahh, listen to me. I just watched Bridge to Terabithia w/ D - which has a bittersweet ending. Kids movies are absolutely full of positive messages that DBers and MLCers should be taking to heart. Just grab one and see for yourself - I could give you a list (I'm good at lists! lol).

FA