I guess it's interesting to see different views of life in her friends words. Everything has to come from a place of 'spirituality' when she writes stuff. In other words, dramatic, inspiring, uplifting. Not 'thanks so much for supporting me, I appreciate it'.
Anyway, W is back to indifferent and somewhat negative in her interactions with me. This morning I was actually in a decent mood and was clowning around giving her a big toothy smile while being weird. She did the same thing back a few times and then says "what's the matter, have a rough night?" Ouch.
So I just stopped and smiled normally at her. Then walked away.
I don't know why she has to be this way. Avoiding, angry often, stays in our bedroom in the evening and reads or watches TV alone.
I've pretty much gotten to the point where I have no faith that she will ever have a change of heart. As far as she's concerned she 'tried to love me' and it didn't work out, I fell into the pit again and stayed there way too long. There's really no reason for her to change her mind. She seems to dislike being here but she still sleeps with me. Maybe it's to 'prove' to herself she doesn't care about me.
Sure, I'm slowly changing my outlook for myself. It's been hard to get past the depression since I've been in it a long time. Eventually it too will pass.
At least I no longer feel the anger towards her as much, so I can be decent and somewhat caring at times. That's one thing I'll do well in this situation, not be mean and angry.
I accept that this is the way she is and that her core nature will never change. I know that the past years of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed is not my 'core nature' so I know that the 'Frank' who she once loved is who I really am. Perhaps someday there will be someone who will find me to be the person they want to love and who will be able to do so without any fear.
Regardless, I'll be ok eventually. It still hurts.
