I think the most valuable thing I learned from Divorce Busting--the website, the books and the technique, was how to communicate differently.
I also think that the term "Divorce Busting" is a bit of a misnomer, or a little misleading. Because while marriages can be restored and saved with patience and understanding and better communication, there is no guarantee that following the techniques will save the marriage. BUT, that is no reason to consider yourself a "Divorce Busting failure" because the techniques we learn go way beyond "saving the marriage." I still come here to bounce ideas off of my friends, get advice on my continuing challenges and also provide insight to those who are floundering. However, I am not trying to stop my divorce (already happened) or alter the path that my ex husband is taking. There was a time when saving my marriage was the objective but when it became clear that was not possible, I had to shift my focus. The objective was different but the techniques were not. I learned how to stand up for myself and I can now apply the things I learned to my ex and others.
Wouldn't it be weird if I was still here saying "Gee, Mitch is moving to Maryland, he's so clueless and still so deep into his MLC." You guys would be slapping me upside the head I'm sure.
BND, you're H was a basket case--I remember those hideous emails. he is the exception though, not the rule and I wish you both a long and happy life together, I truly do. Those H's that still keep in lots of contact (like BND's H) may indeed be trying to make their way back, only you LBS's can determine that. But no matter if they are or aren't, there are going to be a lot of changes we as individuals are going to need to make to make sure we are happy in our next relationship (be it with a returned spouse or someone new).
I hear people here say "teach your children to DB their mother" which I think is good advice but what they really mean is teach your children how to communicate differently with their mother.
Marshall Rosenburg is an expert in "Non-Violent Communication" techniques and I think link this can help ALL of us learn to truly listen to other people to understand their needs and also teach us to express what our needs are in an effective way. His theory is that human beings, in their deepest soul, truly want to contribute to the well being of others. The key is learning how to hear what others want without jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. It's on You-Tube and if you look to the right there are other videos that are very insightful.
