Supermom meets Cookie Chick

[JennyF]

Thanks Lizzy. I know there are good things in it...I do have to look for them. There are so many things that frustrate and sadden me about letting him go, but I think the biggest one is the confirmation that my family as I knew and wanted it is indeed gone. And when my kids are with him, I am in fact alone.

That things alone has me scared to death. And that in itself is probably the biggest reason why I SHOULD let him go. I need to be ok with myself. I need to be alone without being lonely.

It's funny because all of this freaking advice that I'm giving to myself is all the same stuff that I repeated over and over again to MIL when FIL did this to her. I remember thinking how she was so stuck, for years and how I did my best to help her through that...to help all of them through that. H and his sisters too. Didn't take MIL to drop me like a bag bricks though. Apparently all of that is forgotten.

I know that I am responsible for my own self worth and I can't rely on others to fulfill me. I'm on this journey to figure this out, I get it. But why do I feel like I don't matter to anyone? I know how pathetic that sounds...but it feels like me and my feelings just don't matter.
The book I'm reading right now is helping me understand and get to the bottom of this within myself...but I'm having a really hard time letting go of the pictures and the ideals that I had set out in my own head. But I know they were just that...pictures, not reality.
As this book teaches, I need to "Find a place acceptance with the NOW. Become friendly with the present moment. Make peace with the moment and what is, in order to get yourself out of it."

I'm working on it.

Meeting with my L today. We'll see how that goes.
J~