Ah Ellie, as usual, funny, wise and tough. You're great.
I took your advice about the video thingy as you will see in the letter below. I sent the following letter to Mitch this morning -------------
Dear Mitch,
I have given a bit of thought to ways in which we can help the children with this new adjustment and I'd like to run some of the ideas past you to see what you think. Please keep in mind that I think it is important to have practical solutions on how to keep you as much a part of their life as we can. I know that you want to be there for them in whatever capacity you are able and to have concrete strategies for that is the only way we will be able to actually put any oomph behind that desire.
So, without further ado...
1. We could get one of those camera thingies with a "skype" connection to put on the computer and they could video conference with you that way. Little things like saying good night to them or showing them pictures of something you're working on (or cooking or whatever) would be a really solid "every day" kind of connection. Would you be willing to buy that for them? Augie told me you have one for your computer already.
2. Getting dates for your visits here and their visits there written down on their calendars will be a little comfort and something that they can look forward to. That way, they know what to expect and when.
3. Speaking to them lovingly about our new "family." Mitch, I grew up understanding the definition of a "family" as two parents and the children under one roof. Of course, that's how I always wanted my own family to be and when you and I split up, I saw us as a "broken" family. But we have the ability to re-define what family means to US, especially now. I think in talking to the children we need to emphasize that we still are a family, just a different sort of family. That they still have a mom and a dad who love them and care for each other and that we are still their only parents and that we are a new kind of "family." They have said to me so many times "but we're not a family anymore" and I try to remind them that we are indeed a family. It's hard to get across, but I think with repeated reminders it will sink in.
In thinking about what is best for the kids, I have decided that I would like you to tell the children about it this coming weekend. They need to know the whole story, not just parts and pieces which I think will make them more anxious and put them in a fear position of wondering "when is the next bomb gonna drop." Just get it all out there on the table and we'll deal with it. I need to begin to help them process this information when they return and the sooner they can begin to deal with it in it's entirety, the better. So, please start thinking about what you will tell them and the kinds of questions they are likely to ask you and how you will answer:
1. Are you keeping your apartment? 2. How often will you visit us? 3. Are you going to stay there forever? 4. Will you ever come back to Bloomington.
Those are the kinds of things they will want to know. Most important I think is being able to provide answers to when you will see them. Aurora goes to visit her father in New York during breaks and summers--maybe you could mention her as an example of a kid who has the same kind of arrangement with her dad and it works out fine.
I hope this helps to get the ball rolling in regards to how we can help the children through it all. I welcome any additional thoughts on your part and invite you to keep an open line of communication with me about these things. I realize these changes are hard to tell me about, as they are hard for me to hear about, but I'm a big girl and I can handle the truth. I also realize that the decision for you to to live away from your children is a hard one and as I have said before, I will be your ally in trying to help the children have as normal and close a relationship with you as possible.
In planning your visitation schedules for the summer and beyond, I hope you will be generous in the time you give the children. Perhaps you will want to re-think the summer schedule to be with them a little more? The more time you can spend with them, the better.
Lastly, I would like to know, for legal and child support reasons, what your new salary is and when it begins. This does impact the child support and is in fact information you are required by law to provide to the courts. Since I know you are pretty honest about these kinds of things, I feel comfortable asking you rather than asking the court to ask you. However, if you still prefer that we do everything by the book and go through official channels, I will consult the lawyers/courts--your call.
