Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Hi DomR,

Well, (lol) it seems one of us are going to have to just end part of the argument. Anyway, about the depression, I will agree that I believe it is still partly due to my environment b/c things can't seem to get done around the house/yard as I would like. I can't do the things I once could. My MR is not 100% where I want it to be (but lots better). There are some major issues going on in my grown grandson's life that the family is very upset about, and don't forget that both of my children are disabled, plus depression is one of the the by-products (if that is a correct term) of Fibromyalgia. So, yeah, I think all of that together has an affect on me.

People who enter MLC, usually do so, because of themselves. They are adjusting to a new phase in their lives; they are depressed because of it; they would hit that depression, whether their spouse was in their lives or not. Once they (ideally) adjust to the fact that, yes, they really are (40/50/...) years old.. their depression goes away.

I think I have pretty well explained in my past post and to the one I recently sent to Ann or maybe it was Forrest, that I was entering a new phase in my life and was depressed about it. I think it was a lot of just "about me". I don't know if it would have happened if my S had been in my life or not. The fact that my depression did not go away, I believe, is b/c of the factors that I described above.

But, the thing is, I am beginning to feel better mentally. My doctor is working with me on meds for depression. I do believe that the things in my life affect it, but I also believe I have clinical depression due to the Fibro. I did ask him to take me off the Zoloft and he has put me on Wellbutrin. The main reason was b/c I immediately starting eating the walls down and gaining so much weight so quickly (that wasn't helping the depression) and I could tell that any sexual feelings were leaving fast. So, under the circumstances, I didn't think the Zoloft was the answer for me. I am hoping the Wellbutrin will do the trick.

As far as what Forrest had to say about the woman sort of pushing the man to do things.......I guess I just don't get it or I plainly can't agree. I know she has a lot of affect on the H.....that part I agree with....just as he has a lot of affect on her (i.e. part of my depression over 40 yrs).

I think I remember from a post a long time ago that you said you were not that religious, and forgive me if I have confused you with someone else......but sweetie, I have been raised in the church to believe the H is the head of the home and that he is to be the leader. The W is to lean on him.......he is to be the strong one and the woman is the weaker one according to the Bible. Perhaps this is why I have a problem with what you and Forrest are saying or perhaps I am not fully understanding (which is quite possible) what you are telling me.

According to the website that I encouraged (or tried) so many folks at the time I got kicked off, "What Makes Her Happy", the author backs up what I have just said. He places the responsibility of the M on the H. I have not read the book....just the emails he sends. BTW, he doesn't sound religious at all....lol.

To be as honest as I know how, I believe my resentment comes from a long line of things that I have talked about at various times to different people. I have not told everything b/c it would take 40 yrs to do that....lol. However, as I recently tried to tell another young man, a W needs her H to be an alpha male and if he is too gentle, sweet, kind, and gives in to her at every turn to the place she is calling all the shots....she will walk all over him. When I married my H......he was that type of young man. He was too gentle and sweet and he was not a leader in any sense of speaking. He still depended on his mother to tell him what to do and not do and of course that was what she did with the entire family, and I did not appreciate it one bit. That started one of our main problems and lasted almost until she died. He always placed his mother above me (which I resented) and when she got old and sick and would not go into the nursing home, he would take care of her instead of working full time like he needed to. She also took advantage of that b/c everytime he went to work, she would call him to go to her house. By the time she died, our MR had almost died along with her. My H's health began to break, probably due to his stress he was under. He underwent heart surgery not long after his mother passed away and he really hasn't been the same since she died. He has to stay on anti-depression meds all the time. I have been told this is common for people that have heart problems. I know he is a "worrier" and he really worrys over our kids and their health problems, our grown grandson, and of course our own money problems, my health, etc.

I don't know how I got off into all of this......I think I started out trying to explain something to you....lol.

Oh yes, I remember, I was disagreeing with you....what a shock..lol. Seriously, I do agree that the wife/mother can make or break a home. She sets the tone for the home. That is why my family was so thrown by my behavior during the time that I refer to as my MLC. When I told my son that I was thinking about leaving his dad, he flipped out! My daughter, mother and sibling had already seen the signs in me. So, Maybe it was MLC....maybe it wasn't, but I won't argue about it anymore b/c I feel that I am so much better and that I have fought the battle. As I said, I know that I am still fragile and I will have to be careful not to fall back into that situation again with the on-line snare. But, thank God, I don't have those horrible unsettled feelings that I was experiencing when I was wanting men to flirt with me. I have no desire whatsoever for that now. In fact, I have taken the advice "imLin" told me that she did when she played any game on the internet that had a chat board out by the side of it.....she just doesn't chat! That is good advice and if I know it is a woman, then I feel that we can say a few words to each other, but I have learned the signals that men give to find out if you are the type they can go farther with (if you know what I mean), so I avoid that for sure! Don't want to go there again. I have played very few games on line since all of that other stuff happened.

think what we are both saying, is that "you women" have to tell the man in your life, how YOU can be happy.
[and for the specific case of your husband, that involves him getting up out of his chair and doing things with you

I will agree to that part, only I will tell you as I told Forrest, I just am out of ideas and energy. My poor H is out of energy also. He collapes at the end of the day......as I do. So, I am open to suggestions. I knew what I wanted to be happy in our early M, but he would not do it. Nothing I asked or tried to encourage......nothing came from it. My post is already too long or I would try to explain about that more, but if you have followed my post to others, you have a good idea of most of it.

I know it must sound dreary to most of you, but right now I think we are just trying to get back on track with each other. I think he is still giving me space and time. Things are sooooo much better and now I am beginning to feel the first bit of encouragement. You know, Dom, I did not have any of that in the beginning!

Sorry, for such a long post. Couldn't sleep well, got up early, and found your post to me......so (lol) I had the time. Hope it doesn't bore you to tears.

Thanks friend for hanging in here with me.

Sandi