The mistress has more than I can offer

[Dayana]

hi Sara and Saffie
Thanks for sharing your stories with me - what hell we all go through. Saffie, I was really suicidal last year - there were many occasions I had to call family in the middle of the night to come over as I was afraid I was going to do it. H knew how bad I was but he seemed not to care at all, even though I couldn't even take care of the kids - he didn't help me, my mum had to come over.

Things are still really confusing. He came over last night and he was adamant that he is going to ditch her but when I pushed him for a timeframe he clammed up and got irritable. I told him I can't keep waiting for ever and that it is totally unfair to me and the kids. He says he really wants to come back to the family and he definitely doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, but giving that up with her means paying her back all the money he owes her and giving up their business arrangement with his music. Whenever he thinks about this he backs down.
At first last night he was really affectionate when we starting talking but by the time he left, he was angry and resistant so I really don't know whether he is truly going to ditch her. When I spoke to him today he still sounded on edge and he didn't want to talk to me.
The other thing is that when he talks about coming back, it is always about the kids, he doesn't acknowledge our relationship or his role in making changes to improve it. I have to be honest and say if he did come back I find it really scary - he is still so closed in himself and not ready to communicate. I also don't think he is ready to be transparent - he has become so accustomed to his double life -how will I ever know he is telling the truth? I think he is really scared to come back because his memory of me before the A is that I was shut down and resentful. Even though I have made some big changes which he has acknowledged, he keeps bringing up the past - seems like it is easier for him to dwell on that than face up to what is going on right now.

What to do next? He says he will break it off with her this weekend, but I am doubtful as we have been there before and he didn't do it. Do I wait for him to contact me? I am going to take my kids away for the weekend just to stop focusing on it, but I am sure that I will not be able to resist talking to him. Do I keep pushing him? It doesn't seem to get me anywhere.

I feel like I am going crazy.