Betcha can! But hope you don't have to fly tomorrow if you are sleep-deprived
So actually I am doing a little snoopy dance tonight. If you guys have ever seen Charlie Brown cartoons you know how Snoopy points his nose straight up in the air and does a little dance when he gets his supper or other happy things??
Well I was stewing yesterday and half of today b/c of my snooping into H's cell bill online and seeing OW's number. But those dates, although AFTER he said he ended the A, were BEFORE he told MC he had decided to "work on things". So I am trying to forget about them (okay it isn't working too well but I am trying).
Anyway H surprised me by coming down later tonight than expected, I told H the kids and I would be at church and thus would not see him when he came down to get his old truck...As I posted earlier we had positive interactions including a hug and kiss (and then another hug goodbye) ALL initiated by H.
As he left he complained he was too tired to go back to Iowa. He got up at 3 a.m. today to go to work early and meet the scheduler of trucks who gets in at 4 a.m. So by 10 pm he had already been up 19 hours with a 2 1/2 hour ride back to Iowa ahead. I told him "Drive safe, if you get too tired you can call and talk to me, I will try to help you stay awake". After he left I hoped it wasn't too "pursue-ish". I have told him before when he was driving all the loads of hay that he could call if he got sleepy, but he never did. Just texted on occasion. So imagine my surprise when the phone just rang at 5 minutes before midnight. I knew it had to be him. Since I was up, and had offered, I answered. He said he was only 60 miles down the road (his ranger doesn't go all that fast) and had stopped to get something to drink b/c he was so tired.
We talked for about 10 minutes about random things (his truck, getting me a new car once I get a full-time job, his new job, etc) and then he said he was losing his connection and could barely hear me (it is hilly in that part and whenever we go through Northern Missouri I always lose him, too). So I said, okay, be safe, good night--no ILY. He said goodnight.
I will be totally honest w/you guys as I write this part of me is wondering why it took him nearly 2 hours to go 60 miles and visions of OW have danced in my head. But I am putting those thoughts to bed. I would rather snoopy dance. Because for the first time in a few months, he has called me from the road just to talk to me. After hugging and kissing me earlier this evening.
So last night H had called at midnight to say he was exhausted and had only gone 60 miles in almost exactly 2 hours. He had at that point been awake for 21 hours....we talked for about 10 minutes.
Well, I got back on here and read people's posts till 1 a.m. Took my pain pill and got ready for bed. At 1:15 I sent him a TM, "Hope you are making it back safe."
I went in to brush my teeth and when I came back out, I had a TM. Said, "I am in Rockport". This is one hour after I talked to him earlier, and he had gone 30 miles.... I replied "Wow you must be exhausted. Call if you want to, but pls at least text me when you make it safely back home". Wasn't trying to be pushy, but he had responded to my TM and as the father of my kids (ok and as my H) I worry about him.
Well oops I fell asleep. Woke up at 2:30 w/foot pain. Noticed on my way to bathroom that H had texted at 1:38. Said, "I am totally exhausted. Staying at Rockport Inn. Please call me at 5:15" (I had offered early to give him a wakeup call at his parents' since he'd be getting in late and be so tired). So I set my phone alarm and called him at 5:15. He answered after several rings, said "Yeah okay thank you". He has a tendency to fall right back to sleep after hitting the alarm at home, so I called again at 6:15 to make sure he was on the road. He answered and said he was, and thanked me for getting him up earlier. Basically means he got 3 1/2 hrs sleep last night...
Was going to give him distance while he is in Iowa, but wound up seeing him, talking to him on the phone, and exchanging several texts all in one night. Since much of it was initiated by him, I assume it was okay??? I plan to leave him totally alone today b/c I imagine after work he will want to crash hard given the lack of sleep two days in a row. {4.5 hrs sleep Tues night, 3.5 on Wed)
Nothing major going on but I am proud of myself so, inappropriate or not, I am going to brag about myself!
H told me when he was here last night that he asked our good friend Doyle (he and his wife live in our town, we have known them about 5 years and my H got him a job here so he moved here 2 yrs ago) to come out tonight and take our garbage cans to the end of the drive since Friday is garbage day.
Sounds like nothing, I know, to move garbage out to the curb. But we have a literally 200-yard gravel driveway (remember we live on 10 acres in the country). And since we have been doing a remodel, we have 4 40-gallon garbage cans filled with ceiling fans and other misc. debris along with household junk. Oh, and H has the truck so I have no way to get them to the end of the drive except to push-pull-drag them. Tried to pick them up to carry but they are way too heavy. Plus I have my boot on b/c of my broken foot/ankle. So anyway H was trying to be a gentleman/soothe his guilt (!?) and arranged for someone to come do it for me. Doyle has a pick-up and the whole process would take him 5 minutes.
But if you haven't guessed by now I am stubborn. I got to thinking this morning that if it doesn't work out w/H, I can't expect to rely on other people to solve my problems or "take care" of me. So after taking kids to school I spent 40 minutes push-pull-dragging the cans down to the end of the drive on my gimpy foot. It only hurt a little I figured H would complain if he knew I took them out this early since trash guys don't come until tomorrow morning so I snapped the lids on all of them tightly in case any stray animals wanted to get into the garbage. Besides, his buddy was going to do it tonight so they would be sitting out overnight anyway...A silly thing but I DO feel a sense of accomplishment!
Then I was on a roll so I went in D's bedroom. We have a spare bed in there along w/her crib for when relatives stay. But since we are moving soon I doubt we will be having company. We decided to take the bed (full size mattress) out before selling so D's room looked bigger. You guessed it, I got the mattress and box spring out of the bedroom, down the hall, and down the stairs by myself. Yay me! But now my foot really hurts. Guess I will get out of superhero mode and ice it down. Just felt good to do a couple things for myself. H will be here tomorrow night, I wonder what he will say. Probably "Dumb-A$$! I would have done that for you!" But who cares, I already did it...
BTW I did send H a TM, just said "Tell Doyle that She-Ra took the garbage down the driveway and put lids on it tightly in case of animals. So he doesn't need to come out. Thanks" [Kalni and anyone who can't remember the 80s She-Ra was He Man's girl counterpart...oh and Kalni if you don't know He Man he is an action figure from the 80s ]
I don't think there has been a "Garbage Can Mom" action figure, maybe I should make one?
I love your post. Pulling a She-Ra reference from the 80's is classic. Be careful with the foot. You may need to make sure it's healed so you can kick your H in his keister
Yeah I told H about moving the mattress and he went off on me tonight. Full blown tirade for about 90 seconds. I just let him do it, it was totally expected. He couldn't believe I would do something so stupid, probably set my foot back another 2 months, what if I had fallen down the stairs and knocked myself out since I was hindered by my ankle, who would have been around to pick the kids up from school if I was unconscious on the floor, besides I could have scratched up the walls since I was probably unsteady moving the mattress down the stairway, etc.....
I didn't challenge his argument, just sat there. Then said, "So is the gist of it that you are afraid I scratched the wall?"
H: No! It is that you shouldn't do that with your foot, you could have hurt yourself.
Me: So really you are just worried about me right now?
H: Yes! You shouldn't have carried the garbage out and shouldn't have moved the mattress. You could have really hurt yourself and something could have happened to you. You have a million other ways to get the house ready to sell. What were you thinking?
Me: Actually, in light of my IC appointment today, I was thinking that I needed to take care of myself b/c I am close to making my own decision about us and I may have to start taking care of myself....
H: Well, I was just worried about you. I will talk to you later.
Forgot to discuss the IC appt. Basically she asked how it was going and I said I was actually quite fine surprisingly enough, just tired of living "in limbo". That we hadn't discussed what our "separation" really was, geographical or relationship-based. I said I wanted to ask him what he thought it was and get some expectations/boundaries whatever from him, but didn't want it to be considered pursuing. She said asking your spouse for his current expectations in the relationship is NOT pursuing. She asked how things would look different depending on our status.
I said:
When H comes home on the weekend, if we are "working to fix" the M and he is just gone for work, I would greet H with a hug and a kiss as I always have when he gets home from a work trip. I would sleep in bed with him and maybe be physical with him. Be affectionate during the weekend, talk to him, do family stuff, etc.
When H comes home on the weekend if he is "figuring himself/things out" in order to THEN decide what to do w/us, I would be more distant, giving him his time and place.
When I move back in a month or so, if we are "working on it", I would be talking w/H about finding a home for us to live in. While we are both home, we would live under the same roof, or at least alternate hanging out at each others' parents' houses w/the kids TOGETHER even if we slept in different places. (But don't know why we'd really need to sleep in different places.)
When I move back in a month or so, I H is still "figuring things out", then I would be finding my OWN place to live w/kids...I would alternate nights I have the kids w/my parents, and nights he has them w/his...
Things like this are what I think about a lot right now. I just wish I knew which direction we were headed. On the one hand, he told MC he wants to "work on things"; on the other, he told her he would use our time apart to "work on himself/figure things out".
And I told IC about my snooping. I almost didn't b/c I was embarrassed so I told her w/5 min. left and we went over by 20 min!! She said at this point, if I had asked H whether he was talking w/OW would I have believed/trusted his answer? I said "No." She said then the only way I would find the truth was by looking. She said generally it is a very bad thing to spend time snooping but if I was trying to make a decision whether to continue w/my M and it was the only way to find out the status w/OW, she understood why I did it. Also said that if I felt I couldn't trust H to give me honest answers regarding OW at this point, it was wise for us NOT to reconcile/move back in together, since I don't trust him.
I told her the phone bill was only up to 2/7 and a new one should post tomorrow or Saturday showing up to 3/7. That I vowed not to look at it but since I am trying to decide if I want my marriage back I am torn. She asked the same ?, if I were to ask H if he stopped contact w/OW and he said "Yes", would I trust/believe him? I said Honestly, no, not with his track record....
She said that if I was truly at "decision time" w/H, then I needed to know status of OW. She said that the fact that I have made huge strides in my process and he has made almost NO progress since we started this in Nov, reflects in his relationship w/OW. She said that if he is still talking to her 4-5-6 times a day, he couldn't possibly be able to dedicate himself to our marriage and helping us get back to a healthy relationship. She said as long as OW is in the picture, H and I would not be able to work things out successfully, and she recommended that I NOT move back in w/H if I felt OW was still in the picture. She said you can't work on a marriage and be "seeing" someone else at the same time....which is so true.
I know you guys came down on me for snooping and I came down on myself too. But at the same time I guess for me, if I move up to Iowa, move into a home w/H, feel confident that we are moving in the right direction, and then 6 months from now find out that he and OW have been together the whole time, it will be even more devastating for me than just staying apart right now....
After his A 5 yrs ago, we got back together w/out a real discussion of our problems, or what we wanted to be different in our relationship to "try again". My only pre-requisite was that he left OW. But we have wound up back here again. I don't want to move too fast to rejoin him only to have it blow up in my face again. I guess I could wait several months to see if I just suddenly "feel" that OW is no longer a factor. OR I could wait for H to spontaneously leave his phone out, or call her up in front of me and repeat how it is over, etc. But I don't see H ever doing anything like that. And even if they aren't sleeping together anymore I can't stand the thought of getting into bed with him in Iowa every night knowing he has been calling/texting HER all day long. And there have been a lot of pictures sent and I don't want to know what those are...
So I know this is one of those 48-hour things where I should wait for my emotions to level off....But I also know I am not going to keep working to save this M if he is juggling me and her.....
Wow, quite a post and quite a day. Take a little bit here to clear your head. Seriously, wait a bit before deciding what to do. You have a lot of things rushing through your head right now and if you make a decision right now you'll likely regret it.
I'm not telling what the answer is, only that you should give yourself a chance to figure it out.
Thanks Woog! I decided not to talk to H about our M tonight, maybe not tomorrow when he gets down here either. I need to take some BBJ time to figure out what I really want to do. On a gut level, I just want to have peace and have me and H and the kids all under one roof and glad to be there....
On an unrelated note S is running a 101.3 fever again tonight. Just 3 weeks ago he had the 105 for 5 days, so I hope we arent headed there again!
Oh, and I reviewed the convo. w/H earlier. Although he started out so angry, on reflection I think it was more like when a little kid runs out in the street and his mom yells at him. She isn't really mad at him, just scared b/c she doesn't want anything to happen to him. H admitted by the end of his ranting that he was really worried that I was going to wind up hurting myself worse than I already was...
So tonight I am making no decisions re. anything...
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