2nd Post: My H just returned for a second time

[cat03]

Depression runs in his family, he hated his childhood and resents his parents for physical abuse from his dad & cowardness from his mom
...He said he's done faking it and we have to be adults and face the fact that our Divorce is inevitable

you are quoting my H right?

Ditto about the drinking, my H never drunk in his life, and when he left the first time he started drinking and pretty much his life went down hill fast.

I am afraid that I really messed this up. I do feel like the issues I have with him needed to be talked about and I just did it all the wrong way.

I sure hope you are not shouldering ALL the blame as of why he left. Ok, so you could've brought up the subject differently, if he wanted things to work between you he wouldn've hanged on even after your hissy fit and talk to you the next day, not grab his stuff and left.
During my good months of piecing back in 06 (when H really tried to work things out) I also lost my temper and said things in a bad way, my H hanged in there, listened and later on we'd talk things out.
You are not to blame for his leaving again, he obviously isn't ready to piece and flew the coop at the first sign of trouble. Piecing is hard hard work, there are bound to be uncomfortable convos, but it is all heading towards a healthy place.

I will now quote some awesome stuff I got while I was hanging onto my H for dear life when all he wanted was space:

This is Frank quoting our dear dear grasshopper

Quote:
I hate to say this CM, but you HAVE TO ACCEPT that it might be over, at least for now, it IS over. Your W may not return but you have to let her go, and I mean REALLY let her go to find out if she ever will.

Every time you have one of your "blow ups" it's because you allow your perception of what SHOULD be, or what COULD be to become a weapon which her perfectly normal reactions to you use to inflict pain.

She is acting like a woman who is ready to divorce, sure the marriage is over and is moving forward with her life. You are acting like a husband who's wife continues to do things to hurt him and can't figure out why, as if there were no separation, no pending divorce, no OM, no future other than the one where everything goes back to "normal."

Unfortunately, THIS IS NORMAL in your life right now and the sooner you embrace that, the better.

I am not saying to give up on reconciliation but I am saying to let go of that expectation.

I know how this goes. I know why you lash out. You don't know what to do and you just get to your wits end, thinking that if you are shocking enough, you will shock her into reality, YOUR reality, and she'll realize just how foolish and selfish she's being.

The sad part is that it's her life to do that with if she wishes and the longer you force yourself into the role of "daddy" keeping her from making her own decisions, the longer you will be trapped in this role of miserable left-behind husband.

One last time. Keep this in the forefront of your head 100% of the time as you make decisions that you HOPE may influence her to give your marriage another chance some day.

SHE HAS TO WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU!!!!!

Everything you do/say in regards to her should pass through the filter of "will this make her want to come back more?" If the answer is no, then don't do it. The would mean you would stop begging, stop being an a$$, start DBing and GAL, invest in your counseling/meetings, in short, be a upstanding, compassionate, loving man who extends those things first to himself, then to the rest of the world.

Again. Before you even ask us, you should have already asked yourself; Is what I am about to do going to make it more or less likely that she will return some day?

Do this and you will start to get ahead of the game.

That anger and sense of abandonment was the hardest part of this whole process for me to deal with initially. I felt the urge to knock her rebellious arse over the head with a club and drag her back into my cave by her hair. There was no way I was going to let a rival take away what was rightfully mine. Those good ol days are gone, so I had to come up with an alternative. Society gave them free choice.

I came to the realization that maybe I could be happy in my cave without her. I've been experimenting over the last couple of years in doing just that and I can report to you that I'm doing just fine in my cave on my own. I think its all in our ability to do that if we can just leave that caveman mentality to the curb. Anger, jealousy, and possessiveness is a primeval instinct and a strong one we need to learn to control. We are not entitled to ANYTHING in life. Including life it's self. As easy as it comes, it can go. We need to learn to appreciate what's at our feet in the moment realizing it could be gone or replaced in the next. We cling so desperately to what we've acquired thinking we deserve it, we earned it. We start looking at life as if there were a scarcity of things that make us happy. We do anything to hold on to it, because there is no substitute for it. If we learn to look at life as if there is an abundance and it's ours for the taking, loss wouldn't make us so unhappy. We can simply let go and look a head to the next treasure we dig up. It's out there all around us. It won't matter in the end because we are not going to take anything in this world with us when we are gone. Our best hope is to leave
some goodwill behind.