Another new topic! already? Here we go

[Aud31]

Hey Login,

Back to your last posts...my initial thought when reading your concerns with your R: What are your W's love languages?

[LoginName]

Hi Aud31,
I've given that some thought, and, shamefully, it's hard for me to tell for sure. I think her LL is acts of service (is that what it's called?) which is the hardest one for me to do :oP

It's even harder for me to speak her language with the physical separation we have. But I'm trying.

I've always done dishes, mow the lawn, laundry, etc. I'm thinking she needs a different kind of service act. She wants me to be handier around the house (I'm not very good at that stuff, although I try) and to do bigger "projects".

What would work better is if I could get her to read the 5 LL and then talk about it.

[cat03]

does she have to commute? I gave my H the 5LL on CD and he actually listened to it (eons ago), it's easier to listen to it.

[LoginName]

good idea cat. I didn't think of that.Thanks

[LoginName]

so what am I complaining about? Things are going well. She wants me. She wants me to move to AR and be with her. She misses me. She IM's me, calls me, emails me. She ML to me when we are together, so why aren't I feeling totally ecstactic?

I think it's because I was getting used to the idea of being alone. I was enjoying myself, being myself. I resent having to call her sometimes. I resent having to be happy on the phone. I resent that I feel that I have to be on my best behaviour. I bet she's feeling many, some, of the same things. Oh well.

Also, sometimes she bores me. Despite everything that's happened, has she changed much (have I?)? Sometimes, like tonight, I'm disappointed after talking with her on the phone. I'm bored. I tried to be entertaining, flirtateous, fun, and tried to bring her to that level too. I partially succeeded, but at the end, I was left feeling that it wasn't worth it.

After detaching, finding yourself again, starting to enjoy who you are, it can be hard to re-attach.

My challenge: find a way to keep being me, enjoy myself, and still merge with her somehow. Did I get enough time alone to really know myself and to find my own voice? I feel I was just really getting started. I'd really let go of her in my mind and my heart. I was looking forward. And just as I start to enjoy it, Bam, she has to go and say she loves me. (I know, you all feel really sad for me).

I'm saying this a little tongue in cheek. I know I've got it good and many would give their eye teeth to be in my sitch now. But just a warning. It's easier, not as painful, but there are still problems and issues. If you start to peice, as you get over the obvious problems (the OM for instance) then you are still left with many of the same old problems you had before the bomb.

Hopefully, we're better prepared, and at least aware of the issues, so we can deal with them better this time.

It just hit me (which is why writing is good, it helps you think) that patience is still called for. It won't happen suddenly, or at least not all of it. It will take time, there will still be mistakes, it's still work.

To continue my critique of myself: was I expecting too much, or the wrong things, or not telling her what I want? Is the answer to just talk and say how I feel? I know I've got to get a handle on any resentment I'm feeling, that's a real relationship killer.

Well, best to all. Even when it's not as fun, even when you stumble, it's still one hell of a trip.

[lodo]

Hi login,

Just started reading your sitch and I feel like I can learn a lot from it.

Just curious, though, how the PhD experience played out with you two. My WAW is in the midst of that and it has had everything to do with the problems we're having. OM is involved with her thesis project and she's totally wrapped up in ambition, excitement of research, but also insanely busy. Starting her PhD was the catalyst for her deciding she was unhappy in our M and her leaving.

Don't mean to hijack, but wondered what you thought.

thanks, lodo

[LoginName]

Hi Lodo,
Yes I do think the PhD had a big affect. My W even mentioned it a year or so before the bomb. She watched a fellow PhD candidate end up getting a D, and said how the strain was a big reason for it. Funny how she didn't see it in her own M as clearly. My W and I have talked about it a bit, but not much. The MC touched on it, but didn't push it. A PhD is a lot of work and a lot of pressure, and it divides people. They are so "into" their thesis/disertation, and we aren't. It's not a shared interest. And it takes time away from other shared interests.

But, I don't think, in my sitch, it was the main issue. Just like the OM wasn't the real issue. It might have added the extra stress that made all the rest unbearable for my W.

I think the PhD is helping us now. My W feels confident and independant. She's always said she thought I was smarter than she, and she felt a little intimidated. Now, she's the Dr and so has proof she's smart. Her new job builds her self esteem too.

and that's what it was about - her self esteem, her sense of self. So she's happier, now she can work on our M/R again. Yay.

Lodo (are you from Lodo, Denver?), I've seen that Grasshopper has commented on your thread. He is one of my heros. He gave great advice and I base a lot of what I believe on him and on Toughlover's advice. I hope he has time to help you more.

Meanwhile, feel free to highjack. I don't use this much anymore. I'll try to read your story and see if I can give any advice, help, or just support.

Good luck.

[LoginName]

facing a weird problem tonight. In case you're just tuning in.. My w and I have largely reconciled. She says ILY, We ML when we are together, but her new job has her living in AR while I still live in CO.

In a way this has been good. It gave her space, is giving me space. She says she misses me terribly and wants me to move in with her now, instead of waiting for my son to graduate HS. we talk daily. No right to complain. The future looks good. We visit each other monthly. We've had some great times.

But tonight I'm feeling down, and grumpy. I worried about our nightly call. Do I have to act happy and upbeat? What if I show her I'm down? Will she say to hell with it, I can't live with this guy and his moods, I'm going back to OM or on my own? This is really peicing to me.

How do we take us and put it back together? A few years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated, too much, to show her my blacker moods. She was my partner. I shared everything, She was there to support me when I was down, just like I was there to suppport her when she was down. We were a team, for life.

Found out that's not true.

Now I can let her go. I just hope she doesn't wait years to decide she really doesn't want me after all. I'd rather start over now. I'd rather get on with my life now.

obviously, I've still got some issues. I'm afraid she'll hurt me again. I can stand it if she did, but I sure as hell don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to act like I'm happy for the rest of my life. Everyone feels down sometimes, or angry, or sad, or bored, or boring. Is she going to stick it out, for better or for worse? If she tells me she will, can I trust her?

that's what it comes down to, isn't it? How do I trust her, especially to the depths that you should with your mate?

And, hell, I don't even feel I can tell her this. If I say this, she'll say that she can never live down what she did and that I'll never forgive her. I don't even feel I can tell her that I can't tell her how I feel

I'm exagerating my feelings, a little.

Peicing has been getting easier, in case a newbie is reading this. It has gotten so much easier. I can breath easily most of the time. It's still an effort though. The scar hasn't healed yet.

[lodo]

Hey login,

Okay, now maybe it's my turn to offer some help. BTW, lodo is just a nickname. I did used to live in CO, though - but down in the SW corner.

So, 8 years ago my W went to CA to start grad school (she ended up dropping out with a MS, but has now reinstated for the PhD). We talked a lot before she left and planned how we were going to handle the distance. She missed me terribly, while I was strong and detached. It bummed her out when I was down during our calls because she couldn't be there to support me.

Well, long story short - distance is too hard for a marriage to support, IMO. It made us split up for 8 mos. I think what would have really made the difference during that period was for me to have done the unexpected. Sure, we had our planned calls and visits, but I never just called and said, "I want to see you - can I hop on a plane and be there in the AM?" You know? The planned stuff only works for so long. You have to be there and support each other and be involved in each other's life so that you don't grow apart.

And I hear you thinking the same things I thought during that period - hey, I'm okay by myself, maybe I don't need her after all. Beware of that in a big way because it's a relationship breaker! Be enough of a fighter to do the spontaneous stuff that places your relationship above everything else (but don't do that completely - you don't want to show up when she's flipping out over getting a paper ready).

How do you trust her? You make the decision to do so. Sure, you could end up hurt in the future, but that's happened before and you lived through it. You have to put yourself on the line again to get the good stuff.

Anyway, my opinion. But distance is hard.

lodo

[Aud31]

I don't even feel I can tell her that I can't tell her how I feel.

Catch 22, huh? I struggle with this one too. My approach has been to let it go most of the time and when it's really important to me, to talk about it the best I can. Need to refine it a bit more: last time it ended up with H accusing me of bringing the past into everything. Obviously I need to do better...and maybe part of that is to address a concern before it blows up into something else.

In that last conversation, H mentioned that I overthink things and let one thing lead to another...so I may be upset about thing A and end up stewing over it and blowing up over everything from A to X. So, it may be best to really pin down what is bothering you and decide from there if it's worth talking about and if you can do it without blame and tying it into the past.

Hope that makes sense. Obviously I'm still working on that issue. I'm interested to see what you think about it.

How do you trust her? You make the decision to do so.

Exactly. It's hard, but it has to be done.

Hope you have a better day today.