Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

facing a weird problem tonight. In case you're just tuning in.. My w and I have largely reconciled. She says ILY, We ML when we are together, but her new job has her living in AR while I still live in CO.

In a way this has been good. It gave her space, is giving me space. She says she misses me terribly and wants me to move in with her now, instead of waiting for my son to graduate HS. we talk daily. No right to complain. The future looks good. We visit each other monthly. We've had some great times.

But tonight I'm feeling down, and grumpy. I worried about our nightly call. Do I have to act happy and upbeat? What if I show her I'm down? Will she say to hell with it, I can't live with this guy and his moods, I'm going back to OM or on my own? This is really peicing to me.

How do we take us and put it back together? A few years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated, too much, to show her my blacker moods. She was my partner. I shared everything, She was there to support me when I was down, just like I was there to suppport her when she was down. We were a team, for life.

Found out that's not true.

Now I can let her go. I just hope she doesn't wait years to decide she really doesn't want me after all. I'd rather start over now. I'd rather get on with my life now.

obviously, I've still got some issues. I'm afraid she'll hurt me again. I can stand it if she did, but I sure as hell don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to act like I'm happy for the rest of my life. Everyone feels down sometimes, or angry, or sad, or bored, or boring. Is she going to stick it out, for better or for worse? If she tells me she will, can I trust her?

that's what it comes down to, isn't it? How do I trust her, especially to the depths that you should with your mate?

And, hell, I don't even feel I can tell her this. If I say this, she'll say that she can never live down what she did and that I'll never forgive her. I don't even feel I can tell her that I can't tell her how I feel

I'm exagerating my feelings, a little.

Peicing has been getting easier, in case a newbie is reading this. It has gotten so much easier. I can breath easily most of the time. It's still an effort though. The scar hasn't healed yet.