Do you expose or leave it alone

[Jamison]

My thread is over in I need help for my marital problems but I though I would ask this here for advice. I found out my wife has been in a serious EA and just found out a PA. for 6 months she has lied denied and bascially made it all out to be me.I have phone records and she was the first person he called last week when he had his second child. He is married and we were all good friends, he denies there was anyhting going on and now won't answer any of my calls. So Do I contact his wife and tel her this
? Will she believe me? how do I handle this? Is there a way to navigate this and still have any hope of reconciling?
thanks

[Michael Mc C]

First of all, very sorry to hear about this. This is definitely the place you want to be as there are folks here who have been exactly where you are now.

I don't recall what the DR books say about exposure (time for me to re-read maybe) but I do know that some have successfully turned their marriages around, while others have simply pushed their spouses away by doing just this.

In my sitch, when I found out about the EA, I contacted the OM (he's 400 miles away) and I didn't let up on him. He did not always respond but I know he read/listened to everything I sent.

I also did not lie to any of our friends or family about the situation. I did not broadcast it - for instance my father still does not know (from me anyway) that there has been any trouble here. However, all of our closest friends, her family and my sister know about our situation and I have spoken to all of them, as has my wife.

If the OM was a friend of mine, I am not sure what I would do. Actually, I know exactly what I would do. I cannot recommend one action over another at this point other than read DR, look deep within yourself to see where YOU can become better for YOU. As far as exposure, before you decide to do anything, be sure you are fully aware of and fully capable of dealing with any aftermath.

[BobbiJo]

When I found out about my H's EA/PA, I had the urge to go tell his boss (OW was a co-worker). I also wanted to tell OW's husband. We had gone out socially a few times together and he seemed like a nice guy. But I decided that whether I got divorced or stayed married I wanted to take the high road. Besides I knew OW had a little boy the same age as my son. Didn't want to feel I was the one who helped overturn his life.

So the night I found H and OW in a hotel together, OW kept texting H to see if I was going to "tell". I called her myself and said I was not going to tell her H a thing it was her responsibility. She wound up telling him the next day anyway. I just knew if I wanted a chance with my H I couldn't be the one to go sounding the alarm far and wide. Even though the A was HIS fault and HIS choice, I knew I would get the blame for telling OW's husband/family/etc. So I never told H's boss (although H did) and never told OW's family (although she did). I don't know if you should do it or not. If you are sure the M is over, then do what you want. But if you want to try to save the M, be careful.

Also, I DID talk to OW on several occasions before H ended the A. I really wanted to make it clear to her that me and my kids were living, breathing people whose lives were being affected by her choice to continue seeing my H. I feel bad for the other wife b/c she is having a baby and her H is having an affair. But it is up to you what you want to do. Does she deserve the truth? Yes, but maybe/maybe not from you.
Good luck

[Jamison]

Thanks for the advice, I sent my friend a text and said the cat is out the bag I know all about it, and asked him to talk to me about it. He hasn't responded and I don't expect him too. I feel like my hand is forced this EA/PA has to end but me going to his wife still may do nothing......

[Sugar and Spice]

Thats a sticky situation. Now that he knows you know, he may tell her himself. I would have to go with Michael and BobbiJo, if you decide to be the one to tell his wife, you have to be prepared to deal with the aftermath, and it will probably be ugly. My H is having an EA/PA and has been gone for 2 months. I have had a couple of texts from the OW, who lives with her parents and I have been tempted to call and tell them, but it wouldn't change anything or fix anything, so I have decided to just let it be for the time being.

Do you want to work things out with her, or are you ready to move on?

[runningoutoftime]

If I were having an affair and wanted to keep my marriage together, I'd be more likely to end the affair if my husband found out about it. His knowing, or my family, or friends knowing about it (and reacting negatively towards me about it) would make it less appealing. If it were not too "advanced" I might even end it. But if my connection with the OP had grown strong enough, or the relationship had already become very intense and important to me, I might risk more and be willing to ignore others.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jamison,

All I can tell you is what worked for me, and I exposed. My wife's parents, our adult daughters, OM's parents, and my wife's employer (affair was going on at their place of employment). It took 60 days of constant pressure, but it did kill the affair and she returned to our marriage.

To me, it came down to this: if I was the OM, would I want to know?

Absolutely!!

- Puppy

[Dr LOve]

jamison.

I have not told anyone about w affair. I think this has worked to my advantage. It does not always work this way. but In my sitch I figure it is like your virginity... as long as you keep it you always have it. But once it is lost it is gone forever.
Yes the slap of reailty is what some WAS need. But on the other hand. It's something you have and can share when and and if ya want. If things work out between the W an I I would rather in not be know... but...................If we D yes EVERYONE will Know...
Dr Love

[runningoutoftime]

Puppy,

I exposed it too (even though my husband had gone so far as to file for divorce!). I think that was the only thing that killed my husband's affair as well. The OW did not want a divorce. Once her husband knew (even though I'm sure she was good at lying her way out of it), that's when she would no longer risk having me interfere in her life.

Also, my husband was probably tired of her getting mad at him about my interference... he got to see an "ugly side" of her.