I am having the biggest shot of tequila EVER (Patron of course).
I just got the news I expected, I just didn't expect it this soon.
Mitch accepted a job at John Hopkins--550 miles away. He will be leaving our town and will start his new life, away from the children's home this coming fall.
The conversation was fine. I handled myself like DBing Pro. I validated, I congratulated, I asked un-emotional and practical questions (children's health insurance, tuition reimbursement benefits for the kids, etc). I told him that I would really like to talk with him about how we will help the children process this news and how we will help them feel that he is still a part of their "everyday" life even though he will not really be.
I told him the most important thing is that we present it in a way so they know they are not being abandoned. To be honest, my personal feeling about this is that he is abandoning them. He had a choice and he chose his career, period. There are other men (and I know them) who would have chosen their children over their career--that is the kind of man that will win my heart.
But that is my own opinion and has nothing to do with how I will help my kids cope. And of course, I did not share that opinion with Mitch.
I think Mitch was very surprised at how I handled things. he said "I didn't know if you would be mad or upset or handle it the way you are handling it and I really admire you for how you're dealing with this Althea." I told him that I was detached enough from him to be able to be happy for his career (okay, I lied) but that my real concern was for the children and the difficulty they will have with this (I did cry a little during that part).
As expected, his party line is "the kids are strong they will adapt, etc, etc.) And you know, I think that is true--they will adapt, but they will also be heart broken and for that, my heart breaks.
He said he was prepared to "be a parent to these children" and I asked him point blank what that meant because I was confused about that. It's one thing to say it and another thing to put those words into practice. I explained to him that with these changes it was very important for us to have concrete strategies for helping the children feel connected to him and that we should think about it and cooperate. I suggested (for the nth time) that he call on a more regular basis. I explained to him that when they don't talk to him for a week and then finally do, they reel for a day or two. When they don't see him for a month and finally do, they reel for a month.
I also told him that I was not telling him this to make him feel guilty which he has accused me of before, but that I was telling him the way it is, period. He said he didn't think I was trying to make him feel guilty.
It all makes sense to me now why he decided not to go to Budapest--he already had accepted the job and knew his time would be limited with the children. It also clicks now why he offered to help me with a down payment for the car (I figured something like this might be the underlying reason).
Anyway, I've got to go. I feel a little sad right now (partly because I'm out of tequila). But I am taking care of myself. I got a pedicure yesterday and a waxing (!) today. Thanks goodness for the little things.
