Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Dear Ann, you are such a sweetheart! I need support like you have given me and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. Several of the vets that used to talk to me have left the board or was banned, so I miss it a lot.

We want to feel beautiful. We want support and affection. Not that it justifies any A, but we need those things from our Hs, but sometimes, they don't get it.

You are so right about that statement! I still believe that I went through something like a crises......although I guess you could not consider it middle life unless I live a very long time! That term came about years ago when people started noticing the baby boomers (which I am) were going through some type of crisis around the time they were about to turn 40 or 50. At first it was the men and they would do as you described your FIL, then the women started their version. Well, I was just late joining in....but I think I still had the signs. B/c my looks and age started to become too important to me. When I actually discovered that I was embarrased for anyone to know I had a grown grandson.....I knew that wasn't right! I had never in my life felt that before! I did want men to think I was beautiful and sexy and that is what enticed me to the adult sights....plus being very lonely. At the time, our daughter had an accident that forced her to live with us for several months and then her grown son came to live with us. My H spent every waking minute with her....which I didn't really care, but she noticed it and give him a good talking to. She told him that was not right and that he was ignoring me. I didn't know that for a long time afterwards. To escape my lonly feelings and rejection, I came to the internet to find an escape....and I did, but it was not a healthy one.

I did grow up in a strict religious environment that has guided my entire lifestyle. I wanted only to please God in everything I did. That is why it would be so shocking to anyone that knew what I have done. I was shocked at myself, but it was like I couldn't stop myself. When people on the board told me it was addictive and it was a chemical thing going on in my brain.....I didn't know what to think. I could see that it was addictive. My H told me I was addicted to the internet chat rooms. But, it was hard for me to admit to the other part. Especially the OM b/c I wanted to believe that it was love. He did so much for my ego. He had been divorce for many years and had a wonderful career. I could just see us enjoying our retirement years together. In the meantime, my H was hardly working and we were getting deeper and deeper in debt. We almost lost our home. The strange thing is when my H found out about the OM, he made a complete turn about and started smothering me! It was too late for that. At one time, I may have loved it, but then I hated it. It was pressure on me. Everything he did was either a turn-off or pressure. So, I was ready to walk away.

It has been very hard for me to get the OM out of my mind, especially when I get lonely or bored. My physical health has been bad where I could not do the activities that I like to do, so that is a downer also. To just be able to get through the day and not make contact with the OM and be who I really am.....I see that as an accomplishment. When a woman has an EA....it really is an affair of the heart, so it is hard to get over it. I don't think H's realize that just b/c you didn't sleep with the OM didn't mean you can get over him in a day or two. It's like you have given your heart to another person....so, it takes time....a lot of time to get over it.

Do you know what the best thing I have appreciated about everyone on this board has been? Even those that did not agree with my viewpoints, etc., nobody ever said, "Oh gross! You are too old to even think about having adult chats and EA over the internet!" Nobody has ever said that to me or made me feel ashamed of doing that b/c of my age. For that, I am grateful.

I have to agree with your mom about being happy. When I was a girl, one of the biggest scandals to hit our community was a couple that had been married for almost 25 years and then got divorced. But the W was crazy and the H should have left her years ago. However, nobody use to do things like that quite as easily as they do now. I remember hearing the adults say, "Well, I believe if I had lived with her 25 years, I would stick it out." I don't agree. If you are in a stitch like that man was......get out before you go nuts too. He remarried and was very happy the rest of his life.

One thing my D said to me that struck home was the fact that I knew my H would take care of me in my old age......I did not know that for a fact about the OM. B/c my H and I have a history and I know that he would do that for me, without a doubt I know it! I can't say I know without a doubt that the OM would stick with me. He might have put me in a nursing home or just dumped me. She was worried about my health and the fact that I seem to be going down more each year. She had a good point. A couple relies on each other where things like that are concerned as they start to go through another era of their lives. Gosh, it is still hard to believe that I am there....lol. But, I have to accept it. I don't plan to start living like I'm 90 or anything like that. My mother use to say that women should age gracefully....well, I'm not so sure I'm not more like the TV commercials that say I'm gonna fight it....lol.

Well, I've talked a long time and guess I'll let you go for now. Thanks for talking with me Ann, and please drop by often.

Love,
Sandi