You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

[RedUmbrella]

Updating:

I don't know how long it's been since I've had an active thread here. I've actually tried staying away since things have changed so dramatically around here. And most times I feel what's the point in posting?

So, in any case....here's what going on.

For those that don't know who I am...I used to go by Twisted_Inside.

It's been 2 years since my H turned that corner and "came back" to me. Although he never did move out of our home, he did some good talking about it. He even admitted recently to "looking" at apartments in the area, but realized (like I told him) that it wasn't financially feasible.

So, to the events of recent. This past Thanksgiving and Christmas were great. We spent it with his family as usual, and enjoyed our alone time then. We don't get a lot of it, since we have no family or people we trust to care for our children. Besides, both of us feel that after putting in 8-9 hours daily we want to spend lots of QT with our kids.

One new thing this past Christmas, we spent Christmas Eve night with the boys. I know it sounds funny. Most years we would not spend the night with my H's parents because my H thought it was more important to be out with his friends. I think this past year he's finally got it. That friends are great, but family is pretty important. Especially the boys. They're only little once, and if you miss out.....they'll be adults before you know it. In any case the boys enjoyed Christmas Eve and morning with us. Before we all headed back home.

This past year has been up and down. Although I am happy to report that it's been more ups than downs. My H has been spending lots of time (on the weekends) at home with me and the kids. Which both myself and the kids LOVE.

Piecing is not easy, even 2 years later. My H still has his MLC symptoms at times, and tries to push them onto me. Saying that I'll understand one day when I go through it. I tell him flat out, that I understand the difficulty of transitioning through life but that feeling of wanting to "be alone" is not something that I would choose. It's a lonely life to lead...I would not wish that on anyone.

My H has quit smoking. Which I applaud him daily for. I know it's a difficult habit to break, and have never specifically asked him to do it. It has always been his choice. But, I believe his Dr. told him that his blood pressure and cholesterol is suffering because of it. It's been about 4 months since he's quit.

He's also slowed down drinking. Which as some of you know, he's an alcoholic. So, this is another great feat for him. Again not something I've asked him to do, but something he's chosen. I believe he had an epiphany in January after his office late holiday party. He was not pleasant to be around, and was very hurtful. Not only to me but the kids. Not just with words, but his actions. S4 was confused and so was SS12. H unfortunately didn't remember much of anything that night, and I to explain to him what happened.

Life at home has become more stable as of late. SS12 has been getting great grades. Although much to my sadness (mainly for him) he has decided to cut off contact with his bio/mom. This past summer was the straw that broke the camel's back. This was his decision, and it actually made life for us better. No more turmoil. We've both explained to him the importance of his relationship with his Mom. But, are not forcing the issue.

S4 will be 5 this summer and heading to kindergarten in the fall. I am excited and sad. I will no longer have my baby to baby. H is sad too, he said it makes him want to have another. LOL Although we both agree that $$$ wise it's impossible. We want to be able to provide for our kids now, with out having to struggle.


H has also found God again. He went to church for the first time in many years on Sunday. He actually went alone per his request. I was proud of him. The night before he did a lot of soul searching and there were some tears. I don't think he knows what to do with it all.

He is hoping that church will help him grieve for his father he lost about 5 years ago. Which was the cause of his MLC. I push him to do this, to find the help he needs. And he's told me how appreciative he is that I am so supportive.

Now, don't get me wrong life is not peaches and cream all the time. Although we do communicate better, and I do a bit of telling him off when I need to. He has told me that he still feels "empty inside" and has a hard time accepting my love. But, he knows that we'll be there for him.

On Friday we (H and I) will be going to an oral surgeon. H's dentist found a lesion on his gum last Wednesday. We aren't sure if it's cancer or not. Thus the biopsy on Friday. I'm praying that it's nothing.

MLC isn't easy, but piecing is much harder.

RU