I think your best bet is to start getting good legal advice. I personally would get a good lawyer if possible. You need to protect yourself right now. Keeping busy, and being strong in this will help with your PMA. Focus on legally protecting yourself and ensuring you get the level of custody you want.
Ignore W's rants and raves. Ignore any ridiculous demands... try to stay calm and logical and make sure you get good legal representation. Talk with a lawyer or your own mediator ASAP.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I agree with Root! I had my initial meeting with a lawyer and felt so much better. H also made a lot of threats to me like I'd be working in McDonald's (although I have a graduate degree) and he'd get full custody of the kids by lying to the court and other statements and seeing a lawyer helped calm down 100%. She told me to ignore the manipulations and threats of my H and dismissed them all as a bunch of ridiculous nonsense. I was so relieved! I guess sadly they are used to divorcing spouses making irrational claims and threats!!! Karen
Sheesh Karen..... go ahead and work at McDonald's see how he feels about the amount of child support and alimony you'd get based on that type of income.
How ignorant of him....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks, W seems to have calmed down on that part again. Had a decent conversation on sunday about her looking for a place to buy once her job situation is sorted out, W was saying how it would be nice if she could find a place in walking distance or even in the same building, so the kids could be with both parents easily... Also was talking about how we can use the time before she moves out to work on debts etc.
Strange how the rational person comes out now and again, and then the alien comes back! Two things, first, she wants to pay for a visa to visit her friends in the UK, 280 euros just for the visa (she has an unwanted nationality). Doesn't include the flights and incidental costs, just the visa! I asked why she just didn't wait until she got her dutch passport, but apparently she isn't doing that for a while again...
And the second, she wants to buy a sleeper couch to put in the study, so its cheaper to buy a sleeper couch than to just keep sleeping in the same bed? I don't chase her around in bed or do any kind of advances, we just sleep in the same bed, so why the need to change it when we can't afford it? I mean I can understand that she might want to do the whole detached, we are seperated etc thing but suddenly now?
Looks like the job W has been interviewed for might come through, will make things a bit simpler if she gets it.
And we have a possible timeframe for when W will move out, a friend of hers parents need a house sitter/sublet from August (yay, S5's birthday present this year will be mommy moving out). W should have moved to permanent staff by then (6 month contract to start) and will be able to get a mortgage to buy an apartment... Without having to go through the social housing stuff we avoid the whole custody issue and can go ahead with the co-parenting, much nicer for everyone.
Other things from sunday... W saying that we aren't splitting screaming and fighting, we will have to remain friends of some kind for years. Wasn't too happy to hear the "we just grew apart" rationalisation from W about why we are divorcing, but she believes it and is pursuing a new life and people so we definitely are moving apart by virtue of her running away. Also had the "I think the kids will be happier getting the best of two happy people" speech and the "I know people who are divorced that spend lots of time together for the sake of the kids, even go on holidays together with their new partners included" speech. Hmm.
At least I'm sleeping a bit better again, W hasn't been staying up late or going out all night and then disturbing me when she comes back. Another reason the whole sleeper couch in the study doesn't seem a good idea, she will stay up all night and make a noise, definitely not fair for me. Looks like we will have to tell the kids about the coming divorce soon as well, hard to miss the obviousness of W moving into another room.
Don't know which way W is going next, tired and sad that it always seems to be any way that takes her further away from me.
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Wasn't too happy to hear the "we just grew apart" rationalisation from W about why we are divorcing, but she believes it and is pursuing a new life and people so we definitely are moving apart by virtue of her running away. Also had the "I think the kids will be happier getting the best of two happy people" speech and the "I know people who are divorced that spend lots of time together for the sake of the kids, even go on holidays together with their new partners included" speech. Hmm.
At least I'm sleeping a bit better again, W hasn't been staying up late or going out all night and then disturbing me when she comes back. Another reason the whole sleeper couch in the study doesn't seem a good idea, she will stay up all night and make a noise, definitely not fair for me. Looks like we will have to tell the kids about the coming divorce soon as well, hard to miss the obviousness of W moving into another room.
Your W has the same "script" as my H! The whole grew apart comment--well if my H didn't spend 30 hours on his affair we could just as easily grow together by spending time together of course! And of course I think the kids would be happier with their parents being happily married to each other-I know mine would be! Okay, my H hasn't mentioned the holidays together as he knows that would never work! Who does that???? I don't think that would work out for many people!!! I think they just say those things to make themselves feel better, less guilty, like they are doing these things to improve everyone's life or something, when of course they are not!
My H also moved out of our room about 2 months ago into another room. I guess it is part of that distancing they are going through. My kids, 8 and 14, actually took it pretty well and seem fine with it, I was the one that had a tougher time with it, after 22 years of sleeping in the same bed, it was tough for me to get used to and I had a bunch of sleepless nights. I guess you just have to get used to it eventually.
Sorry for you that you are tired and sad about your W. Hopefully she will come to her senses soon!!! Karen
My husband said all those same things. You cannot change their minds so don't even try. Just smile and say, "Maybe you are right." Then add, "Don't worry honey, I'll find a great step-dad (or step-mom) that the kids will love. Someone they can really adore".... and in your case Brad I'd add, "Maybe one of your friends so we truly can have great vacations together. Hey, you have anyone to set me up with?"
Stuff like that used to throw my husband for a real loop. It was always funny to see his reaction.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
W is the one that is making hordes of new friends, I'm the quiet introvert type, so maybe I'll have to ask her to find me a few suitable candidates
And I'm not trying to change her mind at all, I've been slowly getting ready for this ever since she first said she thinks we should get divorced. From what everyone here says, even with all the preparation in the world, it still hurts like hell when its finally over, just like going to a funeral of any loved one.
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Okay, my H hasn't mentioned the holidays together as he knows that would never work! Who does that???? I don't think that would work out for many people!!! I think they just say those things to make themselves feel better, less guilty, like they are doing these things to improve everyone's life or something, when of course they are not!
My H also moved out of our room about 2 months ago into another room. I guess it is part of that distancing they are going through. My kids, 8 and 14, actually took it pretty well and seem fine with it, I was the one that had a tougher time with it, after 22 years of sleeping in the same bed, it was tough for me to get used to and I had a bunch of sleepless nights. I guess you just have to get used to it eventually.
Sorry for you that you are tired and sad about your W. Hopefully she will come to her senses soon!!! Karen
Oh, here in Europe we have more relaxed views on quite a few things, so the divorced parents going with new partners probably isn't that uncommon here.
Yeah, I have trouble sleeping when W isn't in the bed with me, 12 years of habit for me to unlearn. Any trip away from home leaves me with bad sleep, slowly getting better at sleeping alone though. And the kids? Mine are still so young, I can't see them taking it well if it upsets me this much!
Oh, I think my W has come to her senses, acting more rational most of the time now. The selfishness is always there though, and her pushing the divorce agenda as much as possible. She started planning this over a year ago, I just didn't realise until the blow up in August last year. I don't know that I've given up, but I have realised that W just doesn't want to be married to me at all no matter what I try.
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Looks like the first mediator appointment will happen on monday, not looking forward to that. Can see W pushing all sorts of agendas depending on her mood at the time, hope its more of the logical "we get divorced, we raise our kids" rather than the angry "I deserve everything, you are scum" side.
Good news for W is that she got the new job, she was very worried that they would have issues with the intake test results but they obviously wanted her enough to ignore any small things like that. W starts on tuesday, hope the work & environment suit her better than the last job, she needs to keep it if she wants to buy an apartment in the future.
Guess one of the things to talk about on monday is splitting the bank accounts etc, W has been far too easy with spending "her" money and "our" money on all of her new lifestyle things that nothing looks very healthy money wise anymore. Need to have my own personal account again so I can put some aside for me & the kids for a change.
Had a freak hail & snow storm last evening, was a bright day, got darker in the afternoon and by the time I got off the bus it was hailing quite heavily. Started with the snow just after I got inside, nice for the kids to see some decent snow again but I would have preferred it to happen AFTER I was inside. And today is again bright and sunny...
S8 is having his party with friends thing today, bowling! Feel disappointed that I am never invited to those, but they are really just for kids, not even S5 gets to go along. I'm sure they will have a great time, S8 has a wonderful sense of spirit when he isn't in a funk. Guess you have to pack some brass ones if you are 2 years younger than your classmates!
Did I mention that S8 was really happy with his Pokemon & Puzzle Quest?? Can't get him away from my PSP, truly a great game for him *8) We have plans to make his Technorobot kit this weekend too, I'm sure both kids will want to be involved, should be fun.
Wonder if W will cancel her saturday stayover again now that she is starting her job on tuesday? Something tells me that it will go ahead this time, good for peace and quiet, bad for me sleeping easily, maybe I'll take one of my last remaining sleeping tablets.
Me: 35 W: 34 S8 & S5 M: 11 IDLY: 08/2007
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" - Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about dancing in the rain!"
Yes Brad you are right. It is one of the most painful things to go through. I'm really disappointed and saddened to hear that divorce is so acceptable in Europe. Prior to spliting the accounts on Monday, you might want to consider opening a new one in your name only today and having your pay checks go directly to it so you have more control (that's what my husband did). If W asks about this or seems angry just tell her you are trying to make everything easier for her (getting the ball rolling where she wants to go). With anything you do, always turn it around and make it sound like you are doing it to help her. Even if that's not the reason! Always seek out an angle that will make it sound like you are trying to benefit her. For example, if you want more time with the kids tell W that you know how hard it is taking care of the kids, you can imagine how difficult single-parenthood can be so you just want to help her out by giving her extra free time for herself... yada yada...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Karen
