It's funny, it's taken the last 2-3 months for me to figure out the PMA & GAL stuff, which I'm doing pretty good at now. But in the process I lost my ability to detach from W. So, that's the next step. But I'm pretty confident in my ability to do that.
Have been thinking that I might take off to the mountains for the weekend - W is going to IC tomorrow and there's a good chance she'll call afterwards. I think it would help me if I just remove myself from the temptation of talking with her about it.
It doesn't surprise me that she says she isn't attracted to me. Her emotions are in upheaval and I represent the unhappy past. But she REALLY wants to have the things we have together - to be in the house, to entertain, to plan and execute house projects, etc. Otherwise, she only has her PhD work. OM certainly is a part of that, but he also does nothing but work, and who wants to sit at a computer on a beautiful spring day instead of planting things in the garden or walking in the hills? I think that's why she wanted to move back in. With time, she'll recognize that it's her that's keeping the unhappy past alive and I've moved on to create a happier future, with or without her. So the question facing her is, does she want to throw that all away to be alone?
That said, I realize that I've been smothering her, which hasn't helped. I was trying to make up for past wrongs and she just isn't ready for that. So, no more touching - by now she knows I'm capable of it. No more R talks - they don't do any good without her willingness to be involved. And I think, for a little while anyway, no more friendship - I need to detach enough from that to refind my life without her and without the connection we share. By her telling me she needs more space, she has already played into that, because now she only has herself to blame. As MWD puts it, the spotlight is moving off of me and my failings and back to what she could have done differently. Any choice she makes in the future will be more balanced if she is more appreciative of what she brought into the R too.
I certainly understand that OM is a symptom and I recognize everything I did wrong and want to work on it. But I think the biggest things we need to address are being intimate and doing things together, and until she is willing to do at least one of those, I'm not really going to get a chance for her to see my changes.
Her comment about my accomplishments and that I'm a wonderful person lets me know that she sees I'm not in a rut anymore, that I appreciate the grad school experience she's going through (I'm also in a graduate program and just got my thesis proposal accepted - that's what she complimented me on), and she recognizes that I've been working hard for the good of our M and that means I'm someone who could make things work long-term. By me detaching now, she's left with deciding what kind of person she is going to be. Right now she says she just sees herself alone - she doesn't know how to maintain a R. If that's true, it's sad and I'll be better off without her. But I think we've been together for 12 years because, despite her lack of relationship skills, our friendship works.
Also, her inability to choose between leaving or staying lets me know that, deep down, she knows this could work if she puts energy into it. But she's admitted to being rude and not putting energy into it, which is why she asks what's wrong with her. The fact that she asks that makes me realize she sees that we really can make the M work if both of us are involved. What I don't think she appreciates is the way her emotional attachment to OM complicates things. My job is to put that out of mind and not give it any energy.
