- first, I have seen some amazing things over the years here, some spouses have come back that I nEVER thought would; so I would say never say never.
- second, it is true that many times, people in this forum mistake "standing" for "lie down and be a doormat". You are not "standing" for your marriage if you are not working on yourself, GAL, and growing in every way possible. Simply waiting for your spouse to "wake up" is seldom a useful technique - they feel it as pressure and pursuit. On the other hand, if you work on yourself and are willing to be very very patient, the WAS may come home. Just keep healthy boundaries if you choose that approach.
- third, there are NO guarantees how things will turn out. I see a variety of outcomes. Some spouses come home. Some LBSs decide they have grown so much their WAS is no longer the person they want to be with. Some LBSs realize their spouse has serious issues, like abusive behavior or addiction, and they should not be fighting for their marriage at all. MANY WASs regret their choices and want to come home - usually after the LBS has moved on, unfortunately.
- fourth - OFTEN the thing that brings the WAS back around is the fear (or the reality) of the LBS dating someone else. I do NOT recommend dating - but it IS usually a good thing to give the impression that you may or have moved on. This gives the WAS the opportunity to wake up before it really is too late.
As to whether MLC is "real" - I have no doubt it is, as the pattern of behavior is so standardized` as to be almost hilarious. MOST WASs suffer from depression, to me MLC is just depression with an added burden of midlife questioning (Is this all there is? Did I make the right choices in my life? If I buy a Mercedes and date a twenty year old does that mean I will never die?)> Fear of death and dying, and/or reconsidering one's priorities in life, are midlife crisis issues. The difference between a MLCer who takes up skydiving or novel-writing, versus the MLCer who has an affair, is usually a matter of depression and/or character. MLC does NOT excuse their behavior, but if you have a depressed MLCer, they are also nOT in their right mind.
I understand why the members of the divorced forum feel the way they do - many of them feel this forum offered them "false hope". But I really don't feel that is wholly accurate. Hope is just that - a possibility, not a guarantee.
