Since my H and I have no children I won't give substantive advice. Obviously your goal is the best interests of your S4 and trying to keep his life as normal as possible.
Other than that, all I can offer is (((hugs)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I just feel so alone right now and that my whole world is falling apart. I'm sure that everyone on these forums has felt that way, so I know that I am not alone in those feelings. I am just having a tough day I guess. SOmetimes I find hope and now I feel hopeless again.
I just hate that this is happening to me and my son.
My H will be home in about 4 hours and I can't stop crying and I know that I can't be that whay when he is here.
Again thanks for your continued support.
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
No, you are not alone. We have all felt that way. Luckily the tough days do pass. We all hate that we are in these situations. Hang in there, use this time to pick up the pieces and make your life and yourself what you want to be, with or w/o your H.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
The tough days are the worst but it will get easier. Everyone says it, but focus on you and your S. Keep busy, get a hobby, go work out, go for a walk...anything. When I want to do something that will end up getting me negative results, I sit down and write or instead of calling my H, I call one of my friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Just keep DBing and doing the best for you. Hang in there, you have to live your life, so make it what you want it to be...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
You are going to have to work very hard to detach and let go. I think your best bet is to continue trying to create good memories, and be as nice as possible. In an earlier post you asked for specific advice:
>>how the heck do I address things that will inevitably bring on tension in the house. <<
Detach and give space. He is in no position to work with you on any issues right now. He will be searching for ANY reason to validate what he's doing and will be seeking out any possible negatives in the marriage to latch onto.
>>I am trying to give him space but we still live in the same house and have a 4 year old so I kinda need to know what is going on.<<
No, you don't need to know. Consider him a "room mate" with his own life and start working your life, your child's and your own person schedule without him. Any questions will be perceived as invasive and controlling.
>>How do I approach money subjects without being controlling. One of the problems in our M is that I have always been controlling with the money<<
You only have control of your individual finances. What he has access and spends on her, or whatever else, you may not have too much control over, and he will use this as justification to move forward in the affair as well. I suggest you consider putting a little money in a safe place.... just in case.
{{{{hugs}}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So H came home with our son (He picked him up from daycare). It is always difficult for me when he comes home after being gone for a couple of days with OW. I feel like I am pushed to side as he wants to spend quality time with our son. Which I want him to have and I know it's important for our son too!
I put on my happy face and showed no anger. I had supper cooked and so that he could have time with our son, I told him I would be back in about an hour that I had something to do. When I came back they had already eaten without me...oh well! I didn't react to that either. Then I mentioned that I was going to visit my girlfriend for a little while. When I got back he was already laying on the coach (which is where he has been sleeping for months) and chatted briefly and went upstairs to bed.
He never brought up the email he sent me about wanting to come up with a schedule. I am not going to bring it up either. I figure if he has something that he wants to share then he will. I know that he is going to want to leave again this weekend and is feeling guilty about not carrying his weight around the house and with our son...which is why he wants to talk so he can some how make himself feel better.
I am truly trying to detach and find ways of making myself feel good. It's still hard, but I am trying. Today I am feeling angry and resentful. I am miserable and he of course is feeling quite happy. The beginning of any relationship with out responsibility always is fun and exciting. It hurts to know that he is obsessed with this OW. OW called our house again last night while I was out. It really makes me angry that he doesn't have enough respect for me to at least delete the call id. Oh well.
Venting here so I can DB when he is around.
I thank everyone for the advice and support. This place has been given me the space to try to remain sain and comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I don't know all of you but feel everyones pain and happiness when things work out. Thank you all!!!!!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Unfortunately, your H's involvement with OW has a lot of emotional components to it. He is very confused, and yes, she is an addiction. A lot of people with sucess stories say that their WAS admitted they tried to break off the A at points but couldn't, there was some thrill to it that was very addictiing.
Unfortunately, I don't think anyone has found a way to speed up the process - he will have to realize for himself that she is just a person with her own set of faults and that the grass really isn't any greener over there. Reality will set in eventually, how he handles it and how you react will determine the outcome of your M, not the fact that he is having this affair.
Just be prepared - this journey will probably take a while. You will need to be very strong. You will need to think about boundaries - if any of his behaviors are harming your S for example, they need to be discussed.
Some things to consider - goal-setting. What are small, achievable, action-oriented goals for yourself? They should be small so you can see progress in a week or two, and focus on actions you can take because you only have control over yourself. They can be about your R/M, like how you react to things or trying to learn your H's love language (which reminds me, if you haven't look at the 5 Love Languages, there's a lot of material online, but also a couple books - good stuff) but also include some that involve your happiness and GAL.
Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I am truly trying to detach and find ways of making myself feel good. It's still hard, but I am trying. Today I am feeling angry and resentful. I am miserable and he of course is feeling quite happy. The beginning of any relationship with out responsibility always is fun and exciting. It hurts to know that he is obsessed with this OW. OW called our house again last night while I was out. It really makes me angry that he doesn't have enough respect for me to at least delete the call id. Oh well.
Oh girl, I could have written this, and probably have something very similar in my past threads. HUGS!!!! I pushed the boundary on OW calling our house, told him "You have a choice, you can tell her to stop calling, or I'll call or visit her and tell her. Its the home where my children live, where *I* still live. You have a cell phone, use it."
You are doing great. This is a perfect place to be reminded that sadly, you are not alone. You can do this, you have it in you, it just takes a place like this to remind you.
lwb is right, I would definately set that rule down now! If OW has to call him, she needs to limit it to his cell or pay phones or whatever. The whole situation is wrong, but that is just over the limit! Start with small boundaries and work from there, if she continues to call your home, I would tell him that I will be having the number changed and just not be giving it to him. There has to be a line in the sand somewhere... Just my 2 cents. The OW in my case has never called my home, she has texted me and I let my H know that if that were to continue that I would go and speak to her in person, which is not a good plan for anyone, so mercifully it stopped.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Yesterday was another tough day for me....not because of any actions made by H, mostly me dealing with the anger and loss I am feeling. Somewhat feeling sad about the possiblity of what may be happening. I continue to read several posts on here and am finding bits and pieces that give me hope and some that discourage me.
H was oddly concerned for my plans over the weekend. Expressing that he wanted to make sure I was doing things I wanted to do. How kind of him to consider my happiness....my gut tells me it's cuz he is riddled with his own guilt and is trying to feel better. He knows he is happy and would feel happier knowing that I am happy too....sorry to sound so negative, but cant help it.
As considerate as he may have sounded on the phone when I arrived home last night to make dinner for H and S4, I just felt uncomfortable and almost like a stranger in my own home. My words seemed to have no affect on my H regardless of how trivial they may have been. I would stick to convo about S4 or work or things like that and try to stay upbeat. but felt defeated. I eventually said that I was going to leave for a little bit and that I would be back to read a story to S4. When H said I didn't need to leave I just said that honestly I was feeling uncomfortable and thought it would be best. Had I stayed I would of definately engaged in conversation about the R would have made me feel worse.
When I got back home the rest of the evening went fine as I just stayed away and in my room (used to by our room)
Today is a new day and I am feeling better. I spoke with the DB coach...Jodi and truly feel that I can do this. Her suggestions were to still attempt to create an environment in the house that is not tense. If I feel that way again, then instead of leaving then maybe turn on the radio or start playing I SPY with S4. Keep things light and breezy for now. I don't need to retreat to my bedroom when S4 goes to bed. I can stay downstairs and make lunch read a book or watch TV. But my only goal right now is to focus on no tension in the house. Play with my son and make my self feel at home.
Anger is a natural response to all of this and I continue to feel as if I need to not let H have his cake and eat it to. Which is what my friends think I am doing. I am not okay with H seeing OW but the fact is I can't control that...only my actions are within my control. I am choosing to intentionally create harmony and an environment that is good for me and my son despite H insanity right now. If in the end this plants seeds of doubt in his mind that great!
Feeling strong today but I'm sure I need help soon as my emotions are all over the place.
You have all been so wonderful and I hope I am able to advise some of you too!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
