There and Back: finding my feet #9

[SallyM]

thanks sd. and saffie, for checking in. sd, hope your fil is doing better.

not sure how graceful I feel right now. I'm downright sad, to tell you all the truth. apparently I am so sentimental even sad anniversaries knock me for a loop. but I am letting the river flow. guessing the anniversary of the bomb will be a lot like our wedding anniversary was. I need to just let myself feel it/process it, then will be able to move on.

It hasn't helped because the whispers of possible change that h has hinted at over the last month and a half have grown in my own mind. I did something yesterday that really surprised me...I e-mailed him and told him I was sad right now about things. I haven't shared my feelings in a long time. I thought about what I was trying to gain by telling him that, about what I was hoping to accomplish. and finally I just figured it was something I needed to say to him. i didn't add judgement or accusations, just stated it as fact. He wrote back that he was sad, too. progress for me is that I didn't fire back a bunch of judgements at him...about how these are his choices, etc, etc.

I think it helped me just to state this to him as fact. I think it will help me start letting him go again, to start moving on. He is sad, but he isn't changing anything...I see that clearly. I am sad, and only have control over my own life, and being happy means moving on to a new life instead of wallowing in what isn't anymore.

didn't help that S6 started his advanced math class yesterday. they had to count all their family fingers/toes/arms/legs/etc. the number he came up with only included me, him, and his brother and sister. he left h out of it. I didn't say anything at the time, but when h came over he told h all about it and h just about lost it. I asked s6 why he didn't include daddy, and he said he was only supposed to include people who lived here.

wow.

h started breaking down, and I ran for target. wow. just so matter of fact. its true.

h and I talked about it a bit later once I was home and the kids were in bed. h is sad, I am sad. but that is life right now. we both need to come to accept it, because these are the results of h's choices.

ugh.

other stuff...am busy like a bee getting ready for the twins b-day party. I'm an idiot, I really should have had it at a "place" instead of here at the house. who knew everyone could come? and not only everyone, but a handful of older siblings as well? I'll have 20 kids (and their parents) here on sunday. think of me...offer me cyber strength. I'm going to need it! lol.