I just went through a divorce myself. We each had our own lawyers and then "mediated" the final settlement rather than going to court. It was pricey--I ended up paying about 8 thousand in legal fees for myself (don't know what exh paid). In the grand scheme of things though, I benefited more than 8K in things the lawyer negotiated for me, so it was worth it. Don't let the price of a L scare you--get a good one and get yourself protected. Won't your H be gob smacked to learn things are not going according to his plan. Take charge my dear, no reason not to at this point.
Of course he is scared that you will take him to the cleaners. He is seeing things from behind his own twisted morality, not yours. Mine was the same way even though I had never been sneakly or dishonest with him, he simply assumed I would try to rake him over the coals after what he had done--it's all about their guilt. Don't worry about it. Do what's right for you, don't try to do him any "favors." Assure him once that your lawyer works for you and will handle things the way you tell him/her to and you do not want an acrimonious divorce and leave it at that. He will try to persuade and manipulate you to do it his way, but you have learned too much from being here to let him get away with that...right!?
Assume he is with the ow, big whoop. Seriously, that has nothing to do with the divorce. At this point Cat, the divorce is for you--time to take control of your own life. He is used to running the show and so he assumes you'll do what he wants you to. Frankly, all the WAH's I've seen function the same way in this regard--they have a preconceived reality based on how they have functioned in the past and how we have reacted and truly think everything will go to plan. It's always such a huge shock when they realize they are not in control of us anymore and their manipulative tactics don't work anymore.
I cannot tell you the freedom and power you will feel when you start really steering this ship for yourself. Okay, I understand, you didn't want the divorce before and you did everything you could to save the marriage. I applaud your efforts and think you had way more patience than many of us. But you need to get out of that mindset now. Take back the power! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ANGERING HIM! This divorce is now for YOU and not to "help" him. It may be what he wants, and that has now become your reality, but you have the power o make many of your pown choices here--please do so.
Like OT said this is a business deal--don't let the emotions cloud your view on that.
No divorce is pretty. Just accept that and do what you need to do for you and the kids. Trust me when I tell you--there is a light at the end of this nightmare and it is dazzling and wonderful.
