Thanks for your recent posts! I appreciate your words of encouragement more than you'll ever know!
We had a good night last night. H came home right after work and we ran to a couple biking stores. Ate a quick bite at Chipotle and went to the mall. H got a new sports coat for church. Came home, H took a hot bath (normal routine) and cuddled with me for about 1/2 an hour before he went to his room for the night.
He seemed fine this morning at 6 when he came and crawled in bed with me. We just layed there and held hands...got up, got ready for work and left at 7. He called about 9:30 and was definitely not in a good mood. I didn't get much out of him other than he is supposed to curb his cell phone usage (his boss must of gotten on him)....go figure, since he talks to MOW on the cell ALL the time. Anyway, I fear another depression episode approaching....he starts out angry and it blows up into a huge ordeal. Don't know if I'll hear from him again today....I'm afraid to call his cell...don't want to cause more problems. Haven't been contacting him much during the work day anyway.
Feeling a bit panicky (sp?) today...trying to stay busy at work to keep my mind off of things.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers (and H too, if you don't mind). This limbo stuff is awful. Why can't they make decisions? I know things could be ALOT worse for me and I am thankful for what strides we have made....but the constant worrying about how long the good will last....or when the next big blow up will happen, or if another depression episode is going to do H in....all of it just kills me. I'm a natural worrier...and I know I need to stop...I know these things I can't control or fix...but I want to fix them!!!!! I want the issues resolved....it's driving me crazy!
I usually leave work about 4:15. Tonight, I'm covering for someone else until 5:00. I'm not going to tell H. I'm just going to get home late. We'll see if I still beat him home (he gets off at 4:30 and works about 15 minutes from home). Or, if he even notices I'm not home on time...or if he calls....whatever. I know it's not a big deal, but it is unlike me to not keep him posted on what I'm doing. I've decided to quit doing that unless he out and out asks me....which he probably won't.
Hope you all have a good day today. Thanks for listening.....
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
BA I know the limbo is awful its part of the rollercoasterride and Unfortunately its the only way through this hang on workout or do something nice for yourself today peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Just checking in.....I would give anything to hold H's hand....I'm not even allowed to touch him..OW might not like it even if she's not around..
Tonight is my big dinner for d21, she leaves tomorrow, told her her dad was coming, she was a bit angry at me...she said, "why, I don't want to see him". I told her then just don't talk to him...he hasn't called her in 5 1/2 weeks...she is angry but also hurt because he calls the other 2 kids...do you think it's because she reminds him of me....now I feel bad...
This rollercoaster ride sucks!!! I want off.....and I want it all to be FIXED!! There I said it...FIX, FIX, FIX!!! OK, I feel better now. thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Hang in there BA, you are doing awesome....you are always in control....I hope someday I can do the same...
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Thanks for your input. Some days it's so hard to hang on! Coming here and reading the encouraging messages from everyone really helps!
((((Treese))))
Enjoy the big dinner tonight. If H shows up I hope he behaves. Act your A#$ off...you can do it! I know you've enjoyed having D21 home...show her how strong you are! Keep up the good work. You really are doing a great job. You are stronger than you think and I'm really not as strong as it appears.
Hugs to you all!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Hey everyone! Just a quick update on my sitch. H didn't notice that I was late coming home yesterday as he didn't arrive home until 6:30 (about an hour after me). I didn't bring it up. I could tell he was really agitated...he said he had been at work (believe it if you want to...I'm not sure). Anyway, he immediately went upstairs to take a hot bath and unwind. Said we could have stew for dinner when he came back down. I was doing laundry and when I took some things up to put them away I could hear him talking to himself...having one of those 2 person conversations like he's done in the past. I overheard him talking like he was talking to MOW and he'd say both parts of the conversation (I know this is weird...but he's been doing it alot lately). Anyway, in his 2 way conversation they were arguing about something....and I heard him say F#$% everyone, F@#$ everything, F@#$ me.....then after a long pause he said F@#$ you. That was all I heard as I decided to go back downstairs. He wasn't on the cell phone as he had taken it into the guest room and plugged it into the charger.
The cell phone thing is another story. He doesn't go ANYWHERE without that phone attached to his hip. Not even when he takes a bath...it's always right next to him so he can "take that important call" from MOW. I know yesterday I said the boss cracked down about cell phone usage...but H did tell me it was directed at everyone in the office, not him alone....so it surprised me that he didn't have the cell with him in the bathroom.
H came down and we ate the stew I'd made Monday night. We both enjoyed it. He tried working on his homework for about 30 minutes but couldn't concentrate at all....he was emotionally drained and completely wiped out. I offered to give him a backrub to help him relax and he accepted. After about 30 minutes he said he thought he just wanted to go to bed and asked if I would lay with him for a few minutes until he relaxed. So at 8 we went upstairs and got ready for bed. I told him I would probably go back downstairs after he went to his room and surf the internet for awhile and he said that was fine. Well, he went into the guest room and got both of his pillows from the bed and brought them into our room.....this is weird, because he never does that. He got under the covers and laid down and grabbed ahold of my hand really tight. I asked him if he was alright and he said no....started to cry and said "I just don't feel good...I'll be fine". I didn't question, just stated that I was sorry he was feeling down and under the weather. He was snoring in about 15 minutes...weird too, because he never sleeps or tries to fall asleep in our room...he's always there a few minutes and jumps up to go back to his room (can't miss a phone call you know). The cell was still in the guest room...weird again....
I did get up for about 15 minutes after 9, just sent out a text message and had a glass of orange juice...then headed back to bed.
H stayed in our room all night. He was either holding my hand or wrapped around me all night. He was so clingy...almost desperate acting. He slept pretty well all night...but I didn't...it was weird. I almost didn't know how to act or what to think...he hasn't slept all night with me since November...except for the two days his parents visited in January.
He seemed better this morning, although still down and kinda of withdrawn. He kissed me goodbye and said he'd call me from work...but it was just a bizzare night.
These are the things I made a mental note of to remember.... 1. No expectations whatsoever. 2. Don't be disappointed when he moves back into the guest room, even if it's tonight. 3. Keep a PMA. 4. Continue to GAL. 5. Remain consistent. If he is having problems with MOW, he felt confortable/safe with me last night. 6. Don't ask questions...just listen if he's talking and use the typical responses I've been using for the past 7 months. 7. Present myself in a upbeat/positive manner no matter how I feel inside. 8. Pray for a safe journey for both of us and ask for the strenght to continue to stand. 9. Pray for MOW and her H (even though I don't want to) ask for help for their R and for me to be able to forgive. 10. Quit assuming what is happening everyday...just see what happens daily and quit jumping to conclusions.
Is there anything anyone else thinks I should do or remember? I'm pretty overwhelmed and surprised right now. Didn't see this coming...don't know????
Thanks!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
It sounds as though your H is heading back to M....I'm happy for you..YOu have been so positive since the start...you deserve happiness....actually I'm kind of jealous...I would give anything to be in your shoes right now... but yes...almost expect him to go back to his room...and keep up the PMA (you're so good at that)...you're going to be just fine...I just know it...
God Bless!!
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
((((((BA)))))) I really like your list! I wouldn't try to remember any more than that!
If I was going to guess, I'd say that last night's behavior had a lot more to do with him, than it did with you. The good thing is that we know that when the going gets tough, he still runs to BA! But, we've been here before, so we can take a good guess at what happens next. Because his mind is still more or less a piece of mush! He needed comfort, because there was another bump in the road of his soap opera life, and you are pretty good at giving him that comfort. Eventually, he should, if there are any brain cells left, realize that this a good thing, and that maybe, you just might be a darned good wife!
So, be ready for the pull back, but know that you are doing a great job!
Amazing BA, that he got into bed and held your hand and CRIED, just amazing. It seems that you really are a calm port in the storm and I too am a little jealous, as hard and stressful as your sitch has been (and still is!) you are getting these chinks in his armour.
And incredible that he hadnt slept in the bed with you since November, I think slowly but surely things must be going in the right direction??
I am so pleased for you that H took the baby step to staying with you all night. That is brilliant. It shows what an amazing job you've been doing of loving him unconditionally and becoming his safe haven.
Eventually the R with MOW is going end (and it's looking like that's happening in dribs and drabs already) and H will have to start looking inside himself. It sounds like maybe that is starting to happen a little more too.
(((BA))) I am so inspired by your strength (whether you think you're strong or not, I think your demonstration of unconditional love proves it!). Love the list- I can't thin of anything else to go on it (apart from to maybe remember to tell yourself how great you are every morning when you wake and every night before you fall asleep!)
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
