Hi LWB. A couple of things that have been on my mind. I completely understand missing your husband more when he is actually right there than when he is absent. The same happened to me. When the spouse is not there, we can remember how it used to be. They aren't in our face reminding us how different things have become. As another one of the "in-house separation" crew, my hat is off to you because I know how tough it has been.
Since your H is moving (has moved?) I think some boundaries need to be set. Most importantly in my mind is the fact that he can't be allowed to make your life miserable while he's there. If he wants to bitch about how horrible he feels because of you, then he needs to grow a set and stay away and finally realize his own accountability - and I don't just mean the A.
He has to understand that living separate lives means that he can no longer assume that you are going to be there to listen to his tirades about how horrible things are.
Finally, if he's going to be any kind of a father, he needs to recognize what he is doing when he's being 'rude' to the kids. If any of my kids told me that I would be crushed.
I know that this is preaching to the choir. I sure wish I could sit with him and help him to understand the lunacy of his actions.
As always, I'll be thinking of you and your girls.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
If any of my kids told me that I would be crushed.
Me too. I feel bad when I accidentally scratch them. H was visibly upset when she said that to him. He needs to grow up and count to 10 like the rest of us adults do. D3 isn't permanently damaged by his recent stern behavior, but she will be 'chipped away' if it continues.
Funny that you said he needs to grow a set. His 80 yr old father told him to "put his pants back on, get back to the house, and fix the marriage." LOL Of course, he welcomes H there, but he did have his say. And yes, H has moved. Been gone since Sunday. But he will be here a lot, most of the time I won't be here, so that's good. We both need space.
His 80 yr old father told him to "put his pants back on, get back to the house, and fix the marriage."
Glad to hear that someone told your H what they thought. So many people just turn their head the other way because it's easier. From my experience....turning your head the other way ruins more lives than saying what you think.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Well, you might think so. Hearing about it might give you a sense of righteous satisfaction. But in a case like this, grandfather's criticism is unlikely to be helpful.
A WAH needs to figure out what HE WANTS for himself, beyond any guilting, beyond any "shoulds". The more guilt and shoulds piled upon him, the more difficult it is for him to see what he wants for himself. And only if the WAH returns because it is what he wants for himself will the M stand a chance of being healthy and lasting.
Well, you might think so. But in a case like this, grandfather's criticism is unlikely to be helpful.
The criticism might not be helpful, but turning your head the other direction isn't either. I dealt with this first hand. Some of my X's family told them what he thought....other ones rolled out the red carpet for OW. Yesterday OW gave birth to my X's baby only 7 months after our divorce. At least the ones that told him what they thought...can say they did all they could to help him....the other ones only helped create a disaster.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Maybe none of them did what they really could to help him — listen with compassion, without judgment, but with genuine concern for his welfare. Genuine support (not of his actions, but of his person) is better than judging OR ignoring what is going on his life.
