here comes the sun.,...It will be alright

[Dr LOve]

I've mentioned before how it seemed counter-intuitive to me to help my wife (after the A was through) while she refused to be "here" for me. In the end, this is exactly what I have done. I understand what she is going through (I think) and the last thing she needs is to feel that she can't rely on me for help.

Yes Yes Yes,

Mcc, I swear we are living in a parallel world. Too bad you and I can't meet somewhere and plan our strategies. I to feel the same way. I mean I used to wash her car all of the time and do house work, cook. But In "distancing" I stopped most of that. Kind of so she did not take me for granted. Not that I was looking for "thank-you's". But that is one of my love languages, "acts of Service". But now my wife that does not feel good about herself drives around in a dirty car, Clothes are hardly ever done, and dishes need washing. But it is a fine line I walk. Yes I can and will start taking care of her car again but I found out the other day when I asked if I could help with the clothes she said "I can do it". So I don't want to take anything away from her to make her feel more dependent on me.

I want my wife to see that she can still depend on me, that I still love her and that I will help her through her struggles in any way I can. I prefer, of course, that she asks for the help but this is MY WIFE, she is too pig-headed at times to do that.

YES Man I think you may be looking in my windows sometimes. This is also a fine line I walk. I want my wife to know she can depend on me but.... She does not like "feeling dependent". I have let her know I am here if she needs me.

My recommendation to you is that you think about the areas in your wife's life that could be nurturing this depression (if that is what it is) and try to 'guide' her to safer shores.

Hard one here, Ok if you feel worthless, and someone treats you like a queen. Sometimes instead of picking you up you can actually be pushed away thinking. "They are too good to me, I am not worthy". I have seen this in the past with women I have dated. Their BF Treated them like $hit. They had developed such a low image of themselves that they actually began to feel that is the way they should be treated.

As far as her job, can you help her find, or at least keep an eye out for something she would be happy to do? Can you do it in a way which doesn't look like you're telling her "this is a good job, you should take it" but instead letting her know about an opportunity she may be interested in and, very important, WHY she would be interested in it?

As far as finances, another one of your wife's worries, can you help her to feel a little more comfortable and confident in your current financial status? I know things aren't going great (same here). Even if losing the house is unavoidable, it's probably best not to dwell on it.

I do NOT want to lose my house. I bought it from my father (he was the first owner), my youngest sister was born here and I, as well as my kids, have grown up here. However, it is a building that keeps our stuff from getting wet in the rain (LOL). In the end, as important as it is to me, my family is far more important.

Agree with all of the above. Yes I don't want to lose the house. But like you said it is just a box to hold things. My family is the most important thing to me.

You and I have been speaking for quite some time but I have to admit that I'm not sure how you handle financial discussions with your wife. Try not to dwell on the negatives. There's nothing wrong with a little "regardless of what happens financially, I know we will make it."

I have told her this repeatedly. just the other night I told her not to worry I told her the story about when My son and I went 4 wheeling last summer I kind of went somewhere that was not the best choice. (Jeep was totally stuck in a bad place). The only way out was the way we came in. when it was over my son said.
"You know dad... I was not worried, because now mater what happens we always seem to come out ok".

From reading about your wife, I think that at this point she needs to feel secure about a lot of things - her own self-worth, her relationships, her career and her finances. You can't make her feel this security but you can help her to recognize it.

I am trying

H, I'm still going back and forth with my sitch and with the recent honesty I have gotten from my W, I'm actually at a loss.

I am waiting for this. I have gotten a little "honesty".

I know what she wants and needs and I know it will take more time for her to realize that she can get these things with/from me. I can't force her or fix her. All I can do is live my life while 'helping' her to remember why we got married in the first place.

Agreed

I no longer have any desire to remind her how reckless she behaved and how much damage she has caused.

Even though I slip once in a while I do think I have come to this point also

She has opened up to me and once she did,

This is where we need to get.

I realized that I had been living in a competition with her. We are slowly becoming partners again. I hope and pray that your wife recognizes ALL of the good in you and that the same can begin to happen for you.

Thanks MMC we are soo close to the same sitch. I hope you are a sign of what I have to look forward to. I will be coming into some very tricky waters soon with my nephew getting divorced. It will be very tempting to "take the easy way out". Thanks for your input. I don't feel so all alone anymore..

Dr Love