No one to turn to- 2

[addie]

Hi everyone!

My last thread was getting really long so I am starting a new one. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer support. Nothing new to report today. I'll post tomorrow.

[stella_k]

addie,

I'm proud to be the first one to post on your new thread

Second thread, WOW...

[addie]

H emailed me this afternoon and I would love feedback from others.

H wrote:
While there are still things between us I cannot get passed I do not think that you are an ogre or a bad person. I hope you don't think that I am. However, I need alot of time to reflect on our history and where I want to go and the person I want to become. Of course, the biggest loser in this (besides us both) is S. In no way have I done things intentionally to hurt you or S. I hope you know that. And I hope that we can be civil towards each other when we are together. Of course it is difficult and a major transition being alone. And I do respect the fact that you continue to take care of S.


These are the same things he keeps bringing up. What he can't get past is my snooping into his email re OW and invading his privacy - he's mentioned this many times before. He keeps repeating that he didn't intentionally want to hurt me or S and that he hopes I don't think he's a bad person. He brought it up just this past Sunday, a few times previously and now again.

Does anyone see any positives in what he wrote? I'd really appreciate some feedback.

[BobbiJo]

Well, he said he wants time to reflect on your history, where he wants to go, who he wants to become. He doesn't want to hurt you or S. So hopefully if he gets into counseling he can learn how to be a better H and father. Wouldn't that be great?

And I understand the anger over your snooping. I found out my H hadn't ended the A when he said he did by finding a phone in our BED that I didn't know he had. I read all the 200 text messages in it confirming he was still planning to leave me (he isn't anymore). But when I confronted him, HE was the wounded party who couldn't trust ME b/c I violated his privacy? The people on here have confirmed for me it was wrong to snoop, but still I feel the H's who are screwing things up have enough wrong not to judge us for finding out the truth....

Anyway over all the message he gave you seemed okay to me. He seems to want to grow and change. And if you want a future with him he probably needs to do that, doesn't he??

[addie]

Thanks for the reply BobbiJo.

I keep wondering about H saying he needs time and space to reflect. What he's really doing is buying time to see if things will work out with OW and I feel very resentful when I think about that.

[BobbiJo]

I feel the same way sometimes, even though H says it is over with OW. But they say that in time the H's figure out that they will run into the same troubles w/OW as they have with us, b/c THEY are the problem. They have to fix themselves before they are of use to anyone else....

Try to have a peaceful night...

[sandi2]

Hi, I haven't read your entire stitch, just this post. I gather that H has OW and must be in MLC.

I'm from the other side of the fence. I almost walked away from my family. Thank God, I didn't.

Regarding the snooping.......I know this makes no sense at all to you, but your H does feel violated b/c of your snooping. I felt the same way when I discovered my H snooped. I was so furious with him and felt like I could never trust this man again. I would have trusted my life to this H of mine, but to find out he snooped and read my messages to the OM and then confronted me about them......I was outraged that he went through my dresser drawers and everything I had. He went over the phone bills to see if I had called the OM, etc. I felt like the wounded party although I was the one that had the EA!

Crazy, huh? But that is how they feel about it when they find out you snooped. I believe the reason the folks here tell you not to snoop is b/c it only ends up making things worse. You find out more than you need to know and it hurts very deeply. Then your H finds out you snooped and more problems for the M. So, all in all.....it does not pay to snoop. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be the same way. I'm just telling you as a former almost WAW that is how your spouse feels about it.

Hope in some small way that helps. It is all a part of the craziness of the MLC (if that is his case). Sorry you are having to go through this.

Best wishes to you.

Sandi

[addie]

Sandi, thanks for giving me your insight. It does help. I've actually read your thread because I found it interesting to get the perspective of the WAS. I've stopped the snooping but this is something H won't let go of. The snooping was only hurting me and it did make things worse. I know I have to give H time to heal as well.

[sandi2]

Just don't allow him to hold that over your head as his excuse not to heal. He has to let go of OW and then time to get over all of the mess. I know that from my own experience....it takes time, sweetie.

Sandi

[stella_k]

H emailed me this afternoon and I would love feedback from others.

Does anyone see any positives in what he wrote?

Addie, I think what he wrote is neither positive, nor negative. He's still in the fog and he writes just that. It sounds more like journalling ... He probably thought he was letting you know where he is right now.

Now what I see as a positive sign is the fact that he has written to you at all! And I don't think that he is buying time to be with OW. He is buying time to think things over, while dragging the OW along on the leash!

He keeps bringing up the same things because he is stuck with them circling in his mind until he is ready to move on to the next stage.

Just my 2 cents...