here comes the sun.,...It will be alright

[Michael Mc C]

It is a sticky situation... I guess as far as depression goes none of us here will be able to say with certainty that this is in fact what has happened with your wife, although you make a very compelling argument for it. Sadly you're correct that if she is suffering from depression, SHE will need to reach out and do something about it.

However, it is my belief that you know her so well that you have already pinpointed some areas where she could use some encouragement.

I've mentioned before how it seemed counter-intuitive to me to help my wife (after the A was through) while she refused to be "here" for me. In the end, this is exactly what I have done. I understand what she is going through (I think) and the last thing she needs is to feel that she can't rely on me for help.

I want my wife to see that she can still depend on me, that I still love her and that I will help her through her struggles in any way I can. I prefer, of course, that she asks for the help but this is MY WIFE, she is too pig-headed at times to do that.

My recommendation to you is that you think about the areas in your wife's life that could be nurturing this depression (if that is what it is) and try to 'guide' her to safer shores.

As far as her job, can you help her find, or at least keep an eye out for something she would be happy to do? Can you do it in a way which doesn't look like you're telling her "this is a good job, you should take it" but instead letting her know about an opportunity she may be interested in and, very important, WHY she would be interested in it?

As far as finances, another one of your wife's worries, can you help her to feel a little more comfortable and confident in your current financial status? I know things aren't going great (same here). Even if losing the house is unavoidable, it's probably best not to dwell on it.

I do NOT want to lose my house. I bought it from my father (he was the first owner), my youngest sister was born here and I, as well as my kids, have grown up here. However, it is a building that keeps our stuff from getting wet in the rain (LOL). In the end, as important as it is to me, my family is far more important.

You and I have been speaking for quite some time but I have to admit that I'm not sure how you handle financial discussions with your wife. Try not to dwell on the negatives. There's nothing wrong with a little "regardless of what happens financially, I know we will make it."

From reading about your wife, I think that at this point she needs to feel secure about a lot of things - her own self-worth, her relationships, her career and her finances. You can't make her feel this security but you can help her to recognize it.

H, I'm still going back and forth with my sitch and with the recent honesty I have gotten from my W, I'm actually at a loss. I know what she wants and needs and I know it will take more time for her to realize that she can get these things with/from me. I can't force her or fix her. All I can do is live my life while 'helping' her to remember why we got married in the first place. I no longer have any desire to remind her how reckless she behaved and how much damage she has caused. She has opened up to me and once she did, I realized that I had been living in a competition with her. We are slowly becoming partners again. I hope and pray that your wife recognizes ALL of the good in you and that the same can begin to happen for you.